Lion had a long day yesterday. He hadn’t slept well and then he was stuck on the bus home from PT for two hours. His shoulder hurt and he was tired. He took a shower and then hunkered down under the covers and snoozed while I got dinner ready.
The term quid pro quo has been in the news a lot lately. It means that something of value is given for something else of value. Or in more colloquial terms, you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours. When the term is used, it almost always references a negative context. Essentially it means that if you want something this is the price you have to pay to get it.
Most things we humans do are transactional by nature. Reciprocation is almost always expected. The reason I bring this up is that Mrs. Lion and I have a very unbalanced ledger when it comes to sex. If you’ve been reading our blog for some time, you know that Mrs. Lion isn’t interested in sex for herself. That means nothing she does, or more importantly I do, turns her on. She’s told me that nothing anybody can do will turn her on. I know she’s unhappy about this. I’m unhappy too.
I, on the other hand, am sexually active. She has been extremely kind by indulging my sexual needs without the expectation of any satisfaction on her part. I’m very lucky in that respect. But there’s a problem. It may have taken years, but now I think the reason it’s difficult for me to even get close to orgasm is that I feel sex is mechanical. This may sound odd coming from a guy. Bear with me, let me explain.
Six years ago, when I proposed enforced male chastity, Mrs. Lion good-naturedly agreed to lock me into a chastity device. We made an agreement regarding teasing and frequency of being released from the chastity device. Over several years, Mrs. Lion not only abided by that agreement, she also embellished on it. Our days were filled with sexy emails in which she promised all sorts of nasty tortures that I would love. Her posts were filled with similar observations. Sex was much more than stimulating my penis. It was a wide range of teasing combined with BDSM fun.
I felt guilty that I was the only one having a good time. Mrs. Lion gamely let me try to get her off. I was able to give her nice orgasms. But she really didn’t enjoy them beyond the obvious physical manifestation. She wasn’t feeling any deep pleasure. Meanwhile, Mrs. Lion kept coming up with interesting ways to tease me and this diverted my attention from the lack of her interest into eager anticipation about what was going to happen to me.
I think that part of this process was the agreement to begin our female led relationship. There was another opportunity for essentially one-way expressions of sexual energy. I don’t think that Mrs. Lion ever expected to take it seriously. My spankings, I think, for her were another way to turn me on. She was right. However, our disciplinary relationship evolved into a serious one. My spankings stopped being fun and became real punishments for real infractions. Both of us found this valuable. However, the price was that it was taken off the sexual fun menu.
We had a pretty good run with the sexual part of the program. It started shrinking after my first surgery for a torn rotator cuff. I had no interest in sex while taking the powerful drugs to help reduce the pain of that surgery and recovery. After months of physical therapy and pain relieving drugs, I was back to my old self. However, whatever inertia we had developed moving us towards exciting sex play had died away.
We got some of this old mojo back. For a while, Mrs. Lion locked me up in a chastity device, invented her Box’O Fun, and learned to diligently enforce the few rules we had. I can’t be sure of it, but I got the feeling she was having a good time too. She got that wicked little smile when she caught me breaking a rule. She seemed to enjoy that I squirmed when the spanking was on its way. It was sexy fun.
My more recent spinal surgery required a much longer period of recovery. The chastity device is yet to come back out. That’s not the important part. At my prompting, Mrs. Lion has been focusing on turning our earlier lighthearted punishment scenarios into a true domestic discipline relationship. She’s done a good job and succeeded very well. Regardless of anything else going on in our lives, I have every confidence that I will be punished if I annoy her or break any of my rules. That’s what I wanted; and that’s what I got.
However, sex has turned into a very mechanical process. It’s almost as though jerking me off or edging me is one of the last chores Mrs. Lion has to do before she can fully immerse yourself into her iPad and then go to sleep. It makes me feel badly to be in this situation. I suspect that my inability to get very aroused is a result of feeling that I’m just a chore. It’s almost better when nothing happens. Tuesday night, Mrs. Lion was prepared to tie up my cock and balls prior to edging me. She had the rope ready on the bed. I fell asleep earlier, and when I woke up I felt a bit cold and stayed under the covers. She didn’t make any move to do anything sexual.
I understand that this makes sense to her. After all, anything sexual she does is only for my benefit. So if I’m not interested at the moment, why should she go to the trouble of trying to get me interested. The alternative is something that happens in a lot of other marriages. The wife simply turns off and her husband gets no sexual attention. I get it. I’m lucky she wants to do these things for me. I’m not so lucky that it makes me feel guilty and I’m very aware she’s trying to put in the minimum effort possible to satisfy me.
I’m not sure what happened since my last surgery. I don’t know why she stopped planning things for us to do. Somehow, sex has become a hand-job-on-request service. Of course, a hand job doesn’t necessarily guarantee ejaculation, but I can get my penis played with whenever I ask. That’s not what I want. If we were in a relationship where both of us wanted sexual release, we could have millions of ways to use that sexual tension for fun. In our current situation, my sexual interest is waning. It’s heartbreaking to me. The simple fact is that I love Mrs. Lion more than anything and I love her sexual attention. I don’t like the routine we fallen into.
It’s also predictable how things happen each night. Either I ask, or she just rolls over next to me and we snuggle. Then she plays with my cock and balls a little bit, when I get hard — and I always do — she sits up and starts masturbating me. I never get close to orgasm for at least the first week. After that, my internal need for ejaculation has built up so much, I manage to get to the edge after a lot of work on her part. I’m either physically having a problem, which I don’t think is happening, or I’m just not excited by what were doing.
Six years ago, inertia was our friend. We built up habits around sexual activity using enforced male chastity as the driver. This went on unabated for more than three years. It was interrupted by a torn rotator cuff. I didn’t realize it at the time, but this break seems to have caused us to lose that inertia. If we were both driven by a need for orgasm, we would have a biological incentive to get back to our old pattern. Since I’m the only one with this desire, and Mrs. Lion is in charge, we are guaranteed not to do anything.
It’s kind of unfortunate that Mrs. Lion is in charge and is the partner without the interest in sex. I’m not proposing that we change this power balance. That would be impossible. The truth is I have no idea what to do about this. Maybe the best thing is for me to just try to suppress my interest in getting off. I don’t know. I do know that the current situation isn’t working for either of us. We’ll have to figure out something. I’m always confident we can do that. This time I’m not so sure.
Yesterday I hinted that I’d tie Lion’s balls up in an attempt to get him excited enough to get to the edge. I’m not sure if it would have worked because it’s only been a few days since his orgasm, but he said he’s frisky. When I came out of the shower, I took the rope out. Lion was snoozing and I figured the next time he stirred I’d see what we could get started.
Once he was awake he told me I could join him under the covers. I told him he could join me on top of the covers. He said he was cold. I was mindlessly twirling the rope around my fingers. I swear Lion had the rope in his hand at some point. Just before bed, he said he didn’t know I had the rope out. Why hadn’t I told him? He would have come out from under the covers if I told him. Ah, yes. It’s my fault. He said I should be more direct. Okay. [Lion — I never saw the rope.]
I really think I’m burning out. I get home and see all the boxes left to unpack, what’s for dinner, do this, do that, etc. The way I see it is that Lion is home all day. I know he works. I know he goes to PT. I’m not asking for him to unpack things, but can he figure out dinner once in a while? Not necessarily making it, but just suggesting X. And when the dinner question is followed by “I’m starving” because he can’t easily find something for lunch, it’s especially annoying. I feel like I have to solve all the problems of the world. And I know that’s not fair of me. I don’t have to do it all. And I don’t do it all.
This has been a tough year. I’ve had to do a lot more because of Lion’s surgeries, doctor appointments and our move. I know Lion would help if he could. I have to figure out how to not let it get to me so much. Mostly, I need to get back to playing with Lion. We both do better when we play.
Tonight I’m going to take the rope out again. If Lion is cold we’ll turn up the heat. I need his balls tied up. He needs his balls tied up. We’re going to get things back to normal if it kills us.
[Lion — This has been the most difficult year of my life. I’ve never been physically limited the way I am now. Mrs. Lion has been wonderful taking up the slack. It’s true that she’s had to do an extraordinarily large number of things that I would normally do. I’m eternally grateful.]
For a long time I’ve enjoyed – well that’s not exactly the right word – anal play. I guess that in my case, stimulating my anus is a little erotic in terms of sexually stimulating me, and very erotic in the mental BDSM sense. Anyway, Mrs. Lion occasionally will do some anal play. In the past, she expressed interest in being able to fist me. That is, getting her whole hand up my ass. All of her attempts failed after the first three fingers. I just couldn’t handle the pain when she tried to get more penetration.
I thought the problem was my inability to relax enough to accept more of her hand. That turned out to be a correct assumption. To solve this problem, I suggested she begin to train me to accept increasingly larger dildos. By larger I mean thicker. Almost all of our dildos are about 8 inches of insertable length. That’s a good size and safe to use. Over time, she was able to get me to accept, without too much discomfort, a 2 inch diameter dildo. This should be wide enough to be about the same size as four of her fingers. Yet I still had extremely serious pain each time she tried.
One school of thought is that I should learn to accept the pain and let her keep going. I don’t disagree. However, this sort of anal training requires a lot of patience on both of our parts. It’s absolutely possible for her to get her entire hand in. However, it takes considerable preparation to get in there. When you see porn videos that show a man being fisted, insertion generally takes a couple of minutes at most. What you don’t see is the long preparation done before the video was shot.
The anus has considerable ability to expand. It’s a muscle that normally stays contracted. Training for penetration has nothing to do with stretching anything. It’s training to learn to relax the anal sphincters; there are two: the one we all see and on further inside. This takes time and patience. Over the years I’ve done quite a bit of research on the subject and only recently did I learn a surprisingly easy and reliable way to get trained sufficiently to be fisted. This training doesn’t use dildos at all.
According to people who have a lot of experience with this, a very good way to be trained to relax when needed is using butt plugs in a different way. Mrs. Lion likes to use butt plugs with me. They are very easy for her. She lubes up the plug puts a little more lube around the rim of my anus and inserts the plug. Then she can go do other things while the plug marinates inside me. The plugs construction is designed to let me retain it without any external devices to hold in. It has a conical shape ending in a shoulder which is a sharp right angle, followed by a stem much thinner than the widest part of the plug, and then at the end a wide base to prevent the plug from slipping inside.
Plugs come in a wide variety of sizes starting from relatively thin ones (about 1 inch in diameter) up to giants that measure four or more inches in diameter. The way Mrs. Lion uses butt plugs is a good way to express her dominance. She generally has me retain the plug for two hours or more. As time goes by, it becomes less and less comfortable. When I’m wiggling on the bed looking for a comfortable position, she usually removes the plug. This is a fine and fun form of anal play.
Training for activities like fisting and pegging require a different sort of training. In this case, the plug is used very much like a dildo. It is inserted all the way and then removed. Inserted again and again. This is very uncomfortable, at least in the beginning but it’s absolutely critical in terms of anal training. Rather than just training the anus to comfortably accept larger and larger objects, butt plug training teaches the anus to relax immediately upon the presence of something trying to enter.
This makes sense to me. The most uncomfortable part of anal play for me is the initial insertion. That initial pressure and expansion is always the most painful part. Once an object is in and if it’s left there, after a relatively short time it’s easy to retain. The uncomfortable part is the opening and closing of my sphincters. If you’ve done anal play, I’m sure you’ve noticed how removing a butt plug is very uncomfortable as the shoulder is puledl out and then almost immediately feels good as the rest of the plug slides out. Slow pegging with a butt plug forces experiencing that discomfort over and over. After time, I’m told that the discomfort becomes less and less. Your body learns to relax as soon as something is pressed against your anus.
Training this way is done very much the same as with dildos. Start with a relatively small diameter butt plug, and as discomfort is reduced, go one size up. If this is done on a regular basis, say three times a week, over time, your anus will be trained to relax and accept larger and larger objects. This doesn’t take a very long time I’m told. If the sessions are long enough, reasonably comfortable pegging with a plug can be achieved with only two sessions before a larger size will be needed.
Keep it slippery
Let’s talk about lube. Obviously, lots of lubrication is needed to avoid injury and massive pain. Over the years, we’ve tried lots and lots of lubes. The most slippery lubes tend to be silicone. However, since almost all toys are now made of silicone, this lube can’t be used with toys of the same material. It will soften and dissolve the toy. We’ve been using Boy Butter, a reasonably inexpensive lube designed explicitly for anal play. It’s easy to clean up and won’t break the bank if you use a lot.
Eros is a fairly new product that is highly recommended in the articles I read about fisting. It is a silicone hybrid. People say it is safe to use with silicone toys. Experienced fisting advocates rate this particular lube very highly. It is thick and long-lasting. It contains a slight amount of anesthetic that helps make it easier to accept objects. It is supposed to be extremely slippery. I have a jar (it’s expensive, by the way) and I hope Mrs. Lion will use it on her next anal session with me.
For me, anal training is something I love to hate. It’s uncomfortable and the furthest thing I can think of from activities that will make me hard. However, it’s also one of the most visceral ways to sexually submit. Thinking about being fisted is very exciting to me. I’m even excited about being trained. However, I’m sure I will be unhappy during the process.
Some women find anally penetrating their partners very sexy. I know one woman who makes this the first thing she does with any man. She keeps several pairs of rubber gloves in her purse for this purpose. She enjoys taking 45 minutes to an hour to train the man to take her hand. She’s always successful. Unfortunately, the one time she was able to try this with me, we were interrupted just as she put on her glove and began using one finger inside me, she had to leave.
Years ago I knew a couple who love anal fisting. They would do workshops on how to do it at national events. I attended more than one. Her husband was so well-trained that she could make the appropriate hand shape for insertion, lube her hand, and in seconds be halfway up to her elbow. This is probably the most extreme case I know. She really loved doing that to him and he loved it too. I don’t expect Mrs. Lion to be that enthusiastic. However, in the past, she has worked up some excitement about training me.
The subject of “training” really turns me on. In a way, it’s like being hypnotized. I somehow learn to do something without any conscious thought. I call it training, others consider it conditioning. In either case, it’s a very visceral experience to find yourself unconsciously conforming to rules imposed by others. Anal training is a very strong example of this sort of conditioning. To a small degree I’m already conditioned to accept some of the smaller objects we have. It’s easy for me to accept the Njoy metal butt plug. Mrs. Lion inserted it a few weeks ago and was quite surprised at how easily I took it. Maybe that plug is a good starting point for me. Repeated insertion and removal of that plug will be less alien to me. I’m pretty sure it won’t be much fun in the beginning. I’m also sure it won’t take long before it’s easy for me to manage it. Then Mrs. Lion can move on to the next larger object.
Like everything else we do, I guess we have to agree to try and then use a structured schedule to assure we actually follow through. Maybe this could be part of the recreational activity on punishment day. That would be Monday, Thursday, and Saturday. What do you think Mrs. Lion?