Part of me wants to spank Lion for stealing my ideas for posts and part of me is happy we’re on the same wavelength. The other day I was formulating a post about WIIFM and there it was as a Lion entry. The same post, Top Drop, stole my idea about the possibility of burning out as a top. Who knew he’d turn into a mind reader?
I will tell you that I am learning a lot about Lion. Perhaps more than he’s ever told me directly. I didn’t know he had ever discussed playing with his ex wife. It’s been difficult for me to keep track of his various partners over the years. He did come of age in the 60s and 70s when having a lot of sex was just what you did. I had the misfortune of coming of age in the AIDS years when people were afraid of dying. That’s why I never sowed my wild oats when I was younger.
Again, in today’s post, Lion proves he’s read my mind. He traces his journey in the lifestyle. I’ve been thinking about writing a post about my, for want of a better word, loneliness in the lifestyle. When Lion was experimenting he had a partner who was at the same stage. They found their way together. Of course I have Lion, but he’s just one voice. Granted he probably has more experience than ten people I could encounter, but when you’re learning about things isn’t it better to have more sources? In school when writing a paper we all griped about needing more than three sources. But now I see the purpose of them. How can I find out more information if I don’t have more sources?
I’ve gone with Lion to a meeting of his BDSM group. They were all his friends. I’m an introvert so it was not really the sort of place I could feel comfortable asking questions. Plus, since I’m a newbie I’m thinking all my questions are going to sound stupid. Why would Lion, with all his experience, have this rookie following him around? We also went to a sort of BDSM conference with workshops and demonstrations. Again, all his friends. And they were all really into this stuff. I mean, really into it. Walking around in handcuffs, pony boy outfits, leather corsets and long leather boots carrying a whip. I was out of my element. So how do I learn? How do I know if what I’m feeling is normal? How do I stop feeling lost? It’s not like laundry or cooking where I can just call my mother and ask what I’m doing wrong. Why aren’t my whites white? Why can’t I get my pork chops to taste like your pork chops? How long should I spank my husband? Nope. Not going to happen.
Agreeing to be Lion’s keyholder has churned up questions again. I guess I’ll always doubt that I am doing enough for him. That’s just my nature. After all, I’ve been doing this for more than ten years now and I still feel like a newbie. After he read this post Lion suggested some books. I’m looking forward to seeing if they answer my questions and/or bolster my confidence. I’ll let you know.