(Friday, June 27 2014) Last night we went to the theater so there was no time for any sexual activity. We were both tired and I was still feeling well teased (translation: horny) from the night before. Yesterday, Mrs. Lion wrote about teasing me and the mixed feelings it generates. I can understand that. I am also very happy she remembers that it is my choice to get this and she shouldn’t feel guilty. Or should she? No! Just teasing. My last post was about the emotional and sexual value of her teasing and denial. This is a profound discovery for me. Since in the short time (almost six months) I have been locked up 24/7, I have gone through periods of no sexual attention and others with a lot. As I wrote, the times when I was sexually ignored felt very lonely to me. This is a punishment opportunity for Mrs. Lion, I suppose, but one I hope she reserves for more serious offenses.
In this game there appear to be two distinct types of punishment: corrective and playful. Playful punishment in my mind is used for forgetting things, eating first, dropping food, etc. It ranges from shocks with my invisible leash to spankings (hard and soft). The punishments fit my need for discipline and are not emotionally painful; they just hurt physically. They really aren’t playful in the sense of teasing me, they do hurt; but they don’t make me sad. Corrective punishments are reserved for lessons I need to be taught. If Mrs. Lion wants me to understand that something I have done (or not done) should never be repeated, then the punishment needs to send a strong message completely outside my discipline fantasy. This can include significant extension of my wait for my next orgasm, no attention for a period of time, removal of privileges, etc. Now, extension of my lockup time is really more of a playful punishment and I expect (hope?) it is imposed frequently. But extension of a month would be corrective. In that case it is a matter of degree.
While Mrs. Lion wrote about teasing and the guilt it can provoke. I think she feels even more guilt about any punishment that I don’t appear to enjoy. That may sound contradictory, but it isn’t. She has learned that I love the idea of being spanked and I love remembering how she spanked me after she has finished and some of the burning has faded. She also knows I hate it while she is doing it (sometimes). But I have noticed that if she sees I am not having a good time (in a masochistic way) during the spanking, she reduces the force and stops soon after. I think that is because she is doing the spanking for me since it is something I want. She’s right, it is. But there’s more to it than that.
This is very much like my forced chastity. What makes it really work for me is that I have given up control. I’m learning how it feels to lose control over my sexual satisfaction and how to deal with it, and Mrs. Lion is learning that she should feel good about depriving me. The same is true with discipline. I need to learn that when I am punished it isn’t for my entertainment. It is to reinforce my understanding that if I don’t obey or do something I shouldn’t that there will be consequences I can’t control and won’t like.
Usually it is very arousing for me to be face down on the bed awaiting my spanking. That’s fine for me and Mrs. Lion (she comments if I’m not hard). It’s really good that when she spanks me, she builds up slowly to help my endorphins by starting slowly with her hand and then graduating to more painful toys. It’s perfect! In fact, if we were doing BDSM play, she would be rated as a topnotch spanker. Where things get more difficult is when it is clear I am starting to hate my spanking. My butt is burning and each swat with the paddle makes me want to run away. That’s why restraint (or sitting on my back) is required. If she is spanking me right, I will try to escape. At this point she is in control and I know I’m not going anywhere.
When I want to escape, it is the point where a conversation — one way with Mrs. Lion speaking — is useful. The point of the conversation is to reinforce her control. Telling me that a hard one is coming, or here are ten quick swats is a way of verbally asserting the control her paddle is reinforcing. Similarly, asking me if I want her to stop and then telling me, “No, you need more,” is another assertion of control. That’s the entire point of the chastity and discipline. I love that.
Mrs. Lion has done a wonderful job learning to spank me. She has conquered her feelings of guilt to a large degree and has entered into the spirit of our adventure. I don’t want her to feel this post is highlighting something she is doing wrong. It isn’t. This post reflects my newly crystallized understanding of my need for chastity and discipline. If Mrs. Lion doesn’t change anything, we will be fine. In my eyes she is perfect.