That was Lion’s question to me in his post this morning. I never know how to answer him when he asks that. I think it’s because there are a few hidden questions within that one question.
Does it turn me on to do things to him? No. He insists that it will eventually. We’ve known each other almost twelve years. I’ve been waiting the entire time to be turned on by playing with him or, now, by denying him. I get turned on by more mainstream, vanilla things. I think that’s one reason I associate all of this with him having an orgasm and I am unconcerned with my own.
Is it fun for me to do things to him? I wouldn’t call it fun. It’s a lot of work. Keeping track of rules and enforcing them. Deciding if I should spank him or tie his balls up or any of the other things he likes. Denying him when what I really want to do is give him an orgasm. It’s nerve-wracking because I’m afraid I’ll hurt him. And it’s a workout because I am frequently sweaty and sore by the time we’re done.
Is it a challenge? Yes! I constantly have to tell myself that I’m not actually hurting him even though he’s saying it hurts. I constantly have to tell myself he asked me to take control, and making him wait to orgasm is actually his idea. And it’s challenging that Lion keeps coming up with new things to try. I do come up with ideas of my own but it’s usually my own twist on something he’s asked for.
Is it satisfying? To some extent, yes. When he tells me my touch is better than his when I’m masturbating him; when he tells me his buns still hurt the day after a spanking; when he tells me he’s grateful for the things I do to him. It’s nice to feel successful even though I still feel like I have no idea what I’m doing.
Is it fun to make him come? It’s my favorite thing to do! It’s probably his favorite thing, too. We do agree on some things.
Is it fun to make him happy? Oh, yes. There’s nothing I like better than for him to enjoy himself. This is where the conflict comes in though. I’m causing him pain and he loves it. But I’m causing him pain. But he loves it. I still have a hard time wrapping my brain around it. I got some advice when I first started writing the blog. Someone told me to embrace my inner dominant. I’m not sure I have one. There was an old commercial for cough medicine in which the actor says, “I’m not a doctor, but I play one on TV.” I think of that often. I’m not a dominant, but I play one in the bedroom.
Am I having fun yet? The question is so much more complicated than it seems.