Roles and Rules

Lately, Mrs. Lion and I have discussed our individual approaches to forced male chastity. If you regularly read here, you will have seen much of our conversations. I’ve been giving a lot of thought to roles and rules. In my experience as a top, I know that much of what happens with a bottom is more the wishes of the bottom than the top’s. I think this is generally true in the BDSM world. The reason for this is pretty simple: the bottom expresses his or her desires to the top. The top reviews this and adds his or her own personal interests. This is negotiation. I have never played with a new partner without sufficient negotiation to have a very good idea what each of our expectations are. This flies in the face of the standard fantasies where the “dom” simply forces the “sub” to obey and endure whatever he wants to dish out.

Negotiation is not a script. It just allows each person to talk about what they like or would like and what they do or don’t expect. One reason that sessions in BDSM are called “scenes” is that there is the theatrical element of scripting involved at some level. Even in a lifestyle situation with a full time master and slave, negotiation is critical. I “owned” a slave for ten years. She unconditionally surrendered to me. If I told her to quit her job, she would. This is a role she cherished. However, the reality under this was our relationship. If she were a true slave, simply property, she would never get into my bed or go out to dinner with me. She would be another appliance. The reality was we lived together and both of us worked to please one another. What does this have to do with forced male chastity?

The answer is that many of us caged males make some very unreasonable requests of our keyholders. Mrs. Lion is my wife. I lover her with all my heart. She feels the same toward me. She is my keyholder because she knows being caged is something I want. Since she is doing it for me, she wants me to enjoy it as much as possible. In the meantime I want her to take charge and make decisions that govern my sexual activity. She wants to make those decisions in a way that meet my wishes/fantasy. You can see the problem. I want her to be in control. She is willing to take control but wants the control she exercises to meet my expectations. Effectively, that puts me in charge.

This paradox can cause a lot of problems. Both of us want things to work for one another, yet this desire creates anxiety and concern. Since I have a lot of experience in the BDSM world, I understand the challenge. It doesn’t make it easier to manage, but at least I am not going into depression because I don’t get my male chastity fantasy just the way I want it.

There is a solution: feedback. As a caged male, I have to understand that I can not spend 100% of my life as my keyholder’s bottom. Even in matters of chastity I must take an active role to assure that Mrs. Lion has a rewarding experience as my keyholder. I know that her happiness with our chastity activities depends on how she feels about the quality of topping she is giving me. The only way she can be sure that she is doing the “right” thing is to find out from me. See the challenge? I have to go out of my role as her caged male/bottom and provide her with feedback about our activities.

For example, on Thursday she worried that she gave me an orgasm too soon and that I really wanted her to make me wait more. Because she expressed that concern here, I was able to assure her that I am very happy with her decision. The only way she, or any other keyholder, can build confidence is to get regular, positive feedback. What if my response was that I was disappointed she didn’t make me wait a month? Well, she got some information: I want more lockup time. She also has a new option. She can make me get what I wished for, except since she is the top, she would make me wait two months instead of one This way she has taken and acted on feedback and at the same time asserted her control by giving me more than I bargained for.

For the record, I am not saying I want to be locked up a month or more. I am just demonstrating that a top/keyholder doesn’t lose authority by taking and acting on feedback. As a top, the key is to take the feedback, twist it just enough to make it “interesting” for the bottom and act on it.

Many caged males need to experience what they ask for before they learn that they are better off allowing their keyholders to make the decisions and not be bound by their fantasies. Being a keyholder, or a top for that matter, is very much a parent role. The authority model is the same and the expectations of the grown up “child” are pretty similar to the real child. The caged male is probably looking for a combination of loving authority and stern discipline. How far into day-to-day life this parent role extends is an individual matter. But with forced male chastity, the minimum is sexual control and control over the use of his penis.

Being a keyholder or a caged male are roles that take time to develop. Allow yourselves the time to fit into your role in a comfortable, fun way. After all, this is supposed to be fun for both keyholder and male; for the male, at least some of the time. 🙂

Caged male half of a happy couple practicing enforced male chastity and domestic discipline. Locked since 1/2014. Domestic discipline 3/2015. Lion's first mouth soaping was 7/17.

Posted in Advice for a new keyholder, Advice to caged males, Femdom, Keyholder, Lion's Journal, Living with chastity