Finding Things To Do

Being a keyholder is very much like being a BDSM top; to make the power exchange real, you need to exercise your control over your caged male (bottom). That isn’t as easy as it sounds. Even if your enforced chastity relationship is limited to just controlling your caged male’s sexual releases, you still have a lot of things to figure out.

At the core of enforced chastity is a power exchange. The caged male surrenders control of his sexual pleasure to his keyholder. For the keyholder it means that she now has to work out how often to let him have orgasms and what other sexual activities she will permit him to have. The caged male has surrendered this control because he wants to feel your power as his keyholder. So, it probably won’t work to just set orgasm dates and leave him locked up between them. Some people actually work this way, but most of us want more.

If, like Mrs. Lion and my power exchange, more kinks other than enforced chastity are involved, the need for planning becomes more difficult. At the core of this power exchange is a fantasy that you are trying to fulfill for your caged male. There are lots of variants, but I think it boils down to the fact that your male needs control of his penis taken away. Sounds simple. It’s not.

The problem with having control is the unexpressed need that the person being controlled wants to feel that control. I can’t feel controlled if Mrs. Lion simply orders me to do what I want to do anyway. She has to stop me from getting or doing things I want in order for me to feel her power. She has to make me do things I wouldn’t want to do on my own. What are those things?

The first and most obvious demonstration of power is to not let me orgasm. So, in an enforced chastity relationship, the keyholder requires the male to give up orgasms, even erections, except for when it is allowed. She has to make him wait longer, frequently much longer than he wants before he can get sexual satisfaction. How long to make him wait? Ahh! The first challenge. In my case, I have no idea. Mrs. Lion has been experimenting with various intervals. They have ranged from one day to the current 21-day wait. I’ve looked all over the Internet to see what others say. There is an informal consensus that three to four weeks is the best interval. It’s long enough to send a clear message about who’s in charge, but not so long as to be abusive. In our case, Mrs. Lion has come up with the idea of “bonus” orgasms. On one hand, I like that very much, but on the other hand, it effectively reduces the wait time and potentially dilutes the power message she is sending. Decisions, decisions.

At the bottom of many male fantasies is the idea that his keyholder will train him in some way. Some males see this as “correcting” bad habits: looking at other women, masturbating, being inattentive. They want to be trained to be “better”. It’s obvious to any keyholder that if she has to cage, spank, or otherwise discipline her male to make him do what he should do anyway, she will not be very interested in enforced chastity. In our case, I don’t think Mrs. Lion has ever felt I neglect her or excessively abuse myself. My fantasies never include such “infractions”.

As a top I had this same problem. I wouldn’t go out with a female who didn’t behave as a proper partner. I was never interested in beating good manners, consideration, etc. into her. But she wanted to feel my domination and control. The only solution to that was to invent things she needed to learn or do. These things could be removing her pubic hair, calling me “Sir”, being naked all the time at home, etc. The point of these rules was to allow her to feel that she surrendered control to me.

In my case, as a bottom/caged male, I want to feel the consequences of breaking a rule. Punishment and discipline are things I want. That has nothing to do with enforced chastity, but it is what I have wanted for a long time. This presents Mrs. Lion with a challenge. I work hard to obey the few rules she made for me. I don’t want to be willfully disobedient, but I do want to be punished. She has made it perfectly clear that she doesn’t want me to willfully break those rules. Maybe we need some others, or some orders/instructions that will require her to correct me. The idea is that I don’t want to challenge her authority by willfully disobeying, but I do want her to find reasons to discipline me. What’s a lioness to do?

In the enforced chastity universe this same thing comes up.What should you as a keyholder do between scheduled orgasms? Do you do as Mrs. Lion and provide non-orgasmic sexual stimulation on a regular basis? Do you give surprise orgasms? Do you find other things to do? What about discipline? Even in a pure enforced chastity relationship, there will be times when you, as keyholder, will be displeased. Will you add days to his wait time? Will you spank? Will you take away something he likes? Make him sit in a corner, wash his mouth out with soap? Decisions decisions!

Caged male half of a happy couple practicing enforced male chastity and domestic discipline. Locked since 1/2014. Domestic discipline 3/2015. Lion's first mouth soaping was 7/17.

Posted in Advice for a new keyholder, Discipline, Femdom, Keyholder, Keyholder101, Lion's Journal, Living with chastity