Over the last ten months, we have been growing into our enforced chastity. Mrs. Lion has made no secret of the fact that it isn’t her choice that she tops me. As she’s said as recently as yesterday, she is my keyholder because I want her to do that for me She never expressed a deep-seated need to make me wait for orgasms or to beat my butt. She never considered it hot to see me in a chastity device desperate to get release. She never wanted to be in charge.
I’m the one who wanted to be caged. I want her to spank me and to make me wait for an orgasm. I’m the one who wants to be tied to the bed. I am the one who wanted to be a bottom. Since she had no interest in any of this until I asked, there is no reason to expect her to know the first thing about topping. It would be stupid and self defeating idea for me to ask her to be my keyholder on Monday and on Tuesday have her turn into an experience dominatrix. What’s more, it is equally insane to expect me to express my long held desire to bottom on a full time basis and then expect me to become a perfectly submissive male. If you’ve been reading us for a while, you know that we have slowly, and sometimes painfully, begun learning and accepting our roles. It hasn’t been easy for either of us.
Topping, or being a keyholder, is not something people do instinctively — at least most people don’t. It has to be learned. There is a lot of stuff on the Internet about topping and bottoming, most of it written by people who have never done either. There is some good stuff, but it is quite rare. My background is real life topping and bottoming (not much of that). I’ve been a member of a very large leather organization for more than 25 years. I learned my trade (topping mostly) in dungeons and in workshops conducted by experts. I’ve led workshops on many important topping techniques. I learned by doing, not reading.
When we were first together, I took Mrs. Lion to some leather events. She was uncomfortable. I can’t blame her. It can be scary and overwhelming. It was made worse because I knew everyone and she was brand new. We stopped going. She wasn’t interested in public play or in learning in workshops. Fair enough.
Now, a decade later, we both realize that I need to bottom and the by ignoring that, we lost intimacy in our relationship. It became obvious to us both that something had to change. So, last year I revisited enforced chastity. I looked at devices and bought a couple of cheap ones. Eventually, I talked about enforced chastity with Mrs. Lion. She agreed to try it.
More importantly, we began talking about what would work and what wouldn’t. We remembered our last attempts at play. They were brief and not satisfactory. We agreed that if this were to be different, we would have to be much more committed. Enforced chastity is perfect for that. If she decided to drift off and stop playing, if I wanted to come I would have to remind her that I was at her mercy. My penis made sure we would keep going.
Another problem that any new keyholder faces is learning exactly what will work for her male. It isn’t that she is a puppet being topped from the bottom. It’s that topping anyone requires a lot of knowledge. You have to know how to use the techniques you want to apply. You must know what your bottom wants, doesn’t want, expects, and hates. Most importantly, as a top, you want to train your bottom to want you to take control. That process begins by doing what your bottom wants; letting him make “suggestions” and then following them. That builds trust.
It also helps you develop skills and knowledge. Over time the suggestions become less important. You understand what works and doesn’t work. You develop preferences in terms of activities. You are a baby top. Over more time you will become more and more independent. Your bottom will learn to simply accept what you choose to do. You both grow into your roles.
That’s what’s been happening with us. We are evolving in our roles. As you read this blog you can see this evolution. I realize that we may be moving slower than some and faster than others. That doesn’t matter. What does matter is that ten months later I am still locked in my device and Mrs. Lion is grabbing my leash and taking more control. That’s progress!