Top Killers

The night before last there was no activity. This hasn’t happened in a long time. As we read in her post yesterday, Mrs. Lion has some weekend plans for me. In her defense, I didn’t ask her not to play with me, but she knew that I had some bad news and was worried. Last night we went out to dinner and after a while, I took a short nap. Again, it is perfectly fine with me that nothing happened. At least that’s what I thought. After I had brushed my teeth and was settled in bed, Mrs. Lion came over, unlocked me and teased me. Unfortunately, it ended in a ruined orgasm that she didn’t intend.

Clearly, it’s no big deal we missed a scheduled tease. My feelings aren’t hurt. But something did change. For my part, I made no move or mention of sexual activity. I am giving Mrs. Lion topping space. I can’t help but wonder if this isn’t similar to when we stopped playing. I didn’t initiate, no sex, we lost intimacy along with the sex. I didn’t think that my withdrawal of mentioning teasing would also end the teasing. The only ever time Mrs. Lion missed one of her teasing days was when I was too sick to get any pleasure out of it.

I may be oversensitive. It’s just one miss. But it is also the one time I made a strong effort to give her space and not make any effort to promote that teasing. I’m pretty sure that she decided to skip tonight because she has plans for the weekend. This can be all in my head. If it is, I am suffering from a common bottom problem: insecurity brought on by dependence. The deeper the surrender, the more dependent I become. The more dependent, the more seriously affected by things that would have little importance under other circumstances.

It isn’t that Mrs. Lion owes me that teasing. She has a perfect right to decide not to do it. It’s that I interpret her change of pattern as something the is the harbinger of more neglect later. That’s the insecurity I feel as a bottom. When I first started playing, I was the bottom and I remember exactly the same feelings. Back then, with no experience, I had no idea what was going on and I acted out. I got angry easily and pouted a lot. Now, with all those years of experience under my belt, I recognize the feeling and don’t feel any need to act out.

It does remind me that when I was a top I remembered this feeling and followed some simple rules to help my bottom avoid this pitfall. The first is to realize that with loss of control, the importance of a promise becomes much more important. So, if for any reason I decided not to do something I promised, I always told my bottom that I remembered what I had said and changed my mind. After all, that was my right as a top. The bottom wasn’t always happy, of course, but at least she knew that I hadn’t forgotten her or my promise.

This sort of issue is truly a top killer. Bottoms aren’t the only ones who are hyper sensitive to the things the top does or doesn’t do. Tops are very rarely comfortable with the power they have. It’s incredibly easy to feel guilty about “hurting” the bottom’s feelings. Topping from the bottom is often using this guilt to manipulate the top.

Mrs. Lion shouldn’t feel a bit guilty about missing a tease night. She has an absolute right to add nights or miss them. I don’t resent that. I don’t ever want to be the cause of any guilty feelings for Mrs. Lion. I don’t want her to feel a sacred obligation to do something with me every other night. I do want her to recognize that small things sometimes become big deals in the mind of a lion learning to be submissive. It would help me to hear, “I know this is our regular play night, but I don’t want to do it tonight, my pet.”

That wouldn’t make me smile, but inside I would know that I am not forgotten. Am I being too sensitive? Do other caged males get these same feelings? Please let me know.

Caged male half of a happy couple practicing enforced male chastity and domestic discipline. Locked since 1/2014. Domestic discipline 3/2015. Lion's first mouth soaping was 7/17.

Posted in Lion's Journal, Living with chastity
One comment on “Top Killers
  1. hers says:

    They are very complicated feelings that a sub or a caged cock feels . I share these feelings and am impressed and appreciative of how well you express them – thanks .
    One of the talks that we (my goddess and myself) need to have is the importance that a sub places on promises . As you said – no smile will be forthcoming but at least you will know inside , when Mrs. Lion acknowledges the promise or implied promise. In fact isn’t it reinforcing the power exchange beautifully if she consciously decides – and tells you about it – to change her mind?!
    I struggle with these feelings too often.