No, not the way you think. I still don’t have any hankerings for orgasms. And I have suspended my scheduled orgasms for now. They just felt forced. I know it’s fun for Lion to give me orgasms, but I feel bad when it takes so long for me to be aroused. He seems to be working so hard.
Right now the frustration is with both Lion and myself. Mostly myself. Growing up I did have some expectations of happiness. We didn’t have much, but my parents made sure we had what we needed and had some of what we wanted. We didn’t have designer clothes or a fancy car. I always had my good clothes for school and my play clothes for home. The good shoes and the play shoes. One boring station wagon in the garage. But we did have a camper that we took on vacations every summer. My grandmother liked to get me things that I wanted, even if I didn’t really want them. When we were shopping I would say something was nice and she would buy it for me. Nothing extravagant. Maybe a jump rope or a ball. My mother would tell me I shouldn’t badger my grandmother into buying me things. I knew I didn’t badger her, but just to make sure I stopped admiring things.
When I got married the first time I thought my life would be similar. Well, he had his expectations and I had my expectations and neither of us got our expectations. So I learned that it was easier to not have any expectations. No hoping for the perfect (sometimes any) Christmas present. No hoping for the perfect vacation. My job was to make sure my kids got some of what they wanted, just like my parents had for me.
Enter Lion. He makes sure I get what I need and what I want even if I don’t really want it. To be fair, I am not clear on what I think is nice versus what I want. For example, the other day some tickets went on sale for a comedian I would like to see. By the time I started searching for tickets the good ones had all been gotten by the resellers. We could get tickets that were almost in the lobby or we could sell my truck to buy better ones. Not quite that expensive, but you get the idea. Lion complained about the “lobby” tickets being so far away and I didn’t want to pay the “truck” tickets so I said forget it. I can buy the DVD and see it better than the “lobby” tickets anyway. Lion, being Lion, decided I needed to go to the show. He bought the “lobby” tickets. And then complained again about how far away they are.
I know. I know. What does this have to do with male chastity? Aside from that little walk down memory lane being somewhat cathartic, it beings up Lion’s punishments. Yesterday he forgot to run an errand for me. It was somewhat important. I was out of one of my medications. Would I die if I didn’t have it? Nope. But I had given him a task. So he would receive punishment for not completing it. He said he would go out and complete the task. That’s silly. Why go all the way back to the store just for one thing? I told him it could wait. He said he would go. Finally I told him I would get it on the way home. Then he was quiet.
In my mind he had gone to get the medication. He wasn’t answering my email. No “OK”. No “KISS”. Nothing. I was annoyed. Had he been getting ready to go back out for the medicine while I was typing that last email? Was he now halfway to the store even though I told him not to go? So I decided that if he had disobeyed my instructions he should be punished for it. Maybe not this time because it wasn’t technically a rule before he disobeyed it, but it was now a rule. I was frustrated because he does this all the time. And then I realized that he does it because I am not clear between wanting something and really wanting something. So now I was frustrated with myself.
Long story short (too late), I need to give better instructions to Lion and he needs to follow them. I need to be more clear about what I want and he needs to stop doing things because he thinks I want them. Yet another in a long list of things we need to work on. Together.