Today I’ve been wondering who is training who. Yes, I locked Lion up. Yes, I agreed to make him wait for orgasms. Yes, I agreed to make rules and punish him if he breaks them. But who is really changing here?
Lion wants me to have the power. He wants me to keep him locked and unable to have any sexual satisfaction unless I give it to him. He wants me to tease him and deny him. He wants me to give him punishments and rewards. He’s been thinking about these things for years. He’s lusted after a sore bottom. True, he doesn’t really know how he’ll handle it when I start whomping on him when he forgets to do X. He may hate me for the few minutes it takes for me to whomp him. And the few hours it takes for the stinging to stop. But he wants it.
Here I am, minding my own business, and Lion asks if I will cage him and punish him. Why would I want him caged? Why would I want to punish him? Why would I want to be in charge? I hated punishing my kids. I didn’t much like being in charge at work. I was fine the way it was. Well, maybe not fine. We weren’t having any sex. Actually I was having all the sex I wanted. None. But Lion wasn’t having sex. He’s said in the past that he can stop being kinky if I don’t want to do it anymore. I think he knows that’s not true. He can’t just turn it off like that.
I would argue that even though he has had to get used to having Mr.locked away, I have done the most changing. And now we’re changing again. (Have I mentioned I hate change? It’s frustrating.) Now I am more in charge. He even wanted me to choose what we watched on tv last night. As long as it’s something we both like I don’t care what we watch. Nope. I had to choose. He realized he forgot to take his medicine again. He’s been preoccupied with his job search. I think it’s understandable to forget things. Nope. It had to go on the list so I can punish him for it.
Sometimes I think having more power is actually less powerful. I’m a slave to this rule or that rule or this expectation. I wonder how many people want to become president only to realize that the president doesn’t have nearly as much power as they thought. There are still rules you have to follow. I’m happy with my little life. I have no aspirations to be powerful.
I know a lot of these feelings are because domestic discipline is so new to us. Once we get going it will be less of a hassle. I hope.