Month: March 2015

Mrs. Lion said I need structure. She went so far as to write about it in her post yesterday. After reading her post, I told her that I really don’t need structure, that I am very good working in an unstructured environment. I had a strong emotional reaction to her post. I don’t want a list of chores each day. I don’t want to be told to do things I know I hate. I got worried. I felt that I needed to let her know that this would not be a good direction for me. Later, I let her know that maybe I could use the structure a little.

All of those objections were clearly my reaction to her taking further control. I was having second thoughts about what I had started. Mrs. Lion isn’t very secure in her role and she was ready to back down. This morning after she left for work I thought about our conversation and my strong feelings. It’s true, I hate the idea of a list of chores. But the reason I hate it isn’t because it’s the wrong thing for me. It’s because I will be on a tighter leash. Mrs. Lion will go beyond making me do what I want her to make me do. It is moving into the area of making me do what she wants me to do, and most importantly, I don’t want her to do. I am no longer driving the bus.

It’s taken over a year for this day to arrive. It’s not an easy day for me. I’m fiercely independent. I’m nobody’s idea of a submissive. I’m very used to being in charge. But something inside me has wanted to let go of control for a very long time. Now that it is about to happen in a way I didn’t script, I am frightened and struggling against the very thing I said I want. The problem is that I think I did scare Mrs. Lion away from taking the Big Step. She wants me to be happy and I indicated that her latest idea would make me unhappy. In some respects it might. But the simple fact is that I am trying to top from the bottom. I am attempting to design my own submission.

A more subtle example of my attempts to top from the bottom came up last night too.  It was punishment night. I had done two things that required correction. Mrs. Lion began spanking me. She was not holding back at all. Each swat hurt like hell. After only three swats, I tried to squirm away. She held her ground and made me get back in position. A few swats later, I was really trying to avoid the paddle. Finally, while trying to roll over, she gave me one more swat. There is no question that I wanted that spanking to end. But I shouldn’t have been able to stop it. If domestic discipline is to work, it has to go way past the point when I no longer want to accept it. Punishment is meant to educate, not provide entertainment.

See the similarity? I only want to be punished as much as I feel I can take. I don’t want assignments to do domestic chores because that represents control over me that will force me to do things I may not want to do. The entire point of FLR and domestic discipline is that I surrender control. Enforced chastity is exactly the same. Mrs. Lion has learned to disregard my need to come and to follow her own plan for my orgasms.

This FLR turning point came quickly. Clearly, Mrs. Lion has learned a lot. She doesn’t need my permission or approval to tell me what I have to do. She has the authority to spank me until she is sure I have learned something. While some consider enforced chastity a sort of game that plays with the fundamental need for sexual release, FLR and domestic discipline isn’t a game at all. I don’t think I have learned that  yet.  I think Mrs. Lion has indeed figured it out.

It’s ironic that spanking has turned out to be an effective way to punish me. After all, I’ve always liked to be spanked. But that kink only goes far enough to turn me on by spanking play. Domestic discipline isn’t fun for me. From the first swat, I am completely aware that this isn’t intended to be erotic at any time. It’s working. I don’t feel aroused on punishment night. I really don’t look forward to my beating. I find myself trying very hard to avoid repeating my bad behavior. I understand that I will need many more disciplinary spankings before the concept completely sinks in. I have to make some very big changes. I’m sure that Mrs. Lion will see to it that my topping-from-the-bottom days are over. In fact, I may have earned another spanking by trying.

In my post yesterday I didn’t mean to suggest Lion is incompetent. Of course he can find things to occupy his time. I was reacting to his post that said there was only so much old TV a person can watch. At one point, I was unemployed for close to two years and I know how boring it can get. I was looking for work and trying to figure out how to go back to school, and then eventually in school so I wasn’t exactly sitting around, but there was still a lot of down time. What I was trying to say is that I can assign him tasks that can be part of the female led relationship he wants. I just need to be careful I am not putting too much on his plate.

I know how it feels to be out of work. Imagine someone saying, “Since you’re home all day and not doing anything, could you at least clean up around here?” That is not exactly showing support. “Gee, thanks! I didn’t think I could feel any worse. Here I was thinking that I’ll never, ever find a job because who would want me. But I can certainly dust the bookshelves.” Nope. That wasn’t the intent of giving him chores.

He wants me to take charge. He wants rules. He wants me to tell him what to do. In a ham-handed way I was trying to do that. It wasn’t to belittle him. It wasn’t to make him feel worse for being out of work. If anything, it was to take his mind off of it. Here’s a rule. Feel my power. I’m not so good at it yet. There always seems to be an element to things that I don’t understand even if I think I’ve looked at it from all angles. It will take time.

On the plus side, I’m getting better at punishment swats. Lion’s buns were very red last night. I guess I do need to restrain him. Up to now I’ve been thinking that he likes to be restrained and this is supposed to be punishment. He shouldn’t enjoy any part of it. But if I’m hitting him harder, I need to stop him from moving. At least now when I spank him, I can get past the point that I would normally stop because he complains.

And I think I’m getting better at talking to him while I tease him. It still seems to me like bad porn, but I’m trying. That’s all I can do. Put one foot in front of the other, sometimes baby steps, and maybe someday I’ll get it. In the meantime I hope Lion is having some fun.

Punishment paddle
This is the bloodwood punishment paddle with a patch of very scratchy anti-skid tape glued on one side.

Last night was most eventful. Mrs. Lion has apparently moved things up a level or two. As she said in her post yesterday, she has no intention of slowing things down on the domestic discipline or enforced chastity fronts. Yesterday was punishment day (every Monday and Thursday). After dinner she had me roll over on my stomach and she used the vicious bloodwood paddle to remind me to remember napkins when I serve weekend breakfast in bed and to avoid spilling water on the counter when I refill our coffee maker. I managed to squirm away a couple of times, but she persisted and now, hours later, my butt still stings. There is no question that this spanking was corrective and not BDSM fun. It hurt like hell. I know, I know, it’s supposed to. But this is really new for me.

A few minutes after the spanking, Mrs. Lion brought out the Njoy butt plug, the smaller one, and with some difficulty shoved it up my ass. It’s been quite a while since I have had anything back there. It hurt going in, but once in, it was good for a couple of hours, then I needed it out. I think it will take some serious practice before anal play will be easier.

Once the plug was out and I had a chance to pee, Mrs. Lion released me from my chastity device and masturbated me to the edge a few times. She told me that she wanted some precum. She got me close enough that I supplied her a little bit. She thanked me for making it for her. I really wanted to come. She told me that it wasn’t time yet. Since I haven’t had a ruined orgasm, I am seriously in need now. It’s been nine days. I know that’s not a lot to the long-termers out there. But it feels like forever to me.

In her post, Mrs. Lion said that part of my problem now is that I need structure. She said that she would provide me with a list of chores and that would help me feel better. I don’t mind doing chores, but I never needed structure. I’m good at finding things to do all by myself. My stress comes from economic uncertainty and a feeling of failure. I know it is natural, but it doesn’t make it any easier. I have to admit that the punishment and the sexual fun helped my spirits considerably. Well, not the punishment itself; I was dreading that. But the fact that Mrs. Lion is monitoring me and correcting me as needed is a big boost for me.

I’m not on an emotional roller coaster. I still feel down about our difficulties. But at least last night I was really aroused and feeling the strong need to come just as Mrs. Lion stopped jerking me off. You’d think that after all this time I would be used to being teased. I don’t think my body lets me. Each time I feel like Charlie Brown running to kick the football that Lucy is holding, knowing full well she will pull it away at the last second. Maybe this time she won’t stop. Maybe she will keep going and let me ejaculate. Nope, not this time. There’s always Wednesday.

I suppose it would be easy for Lion and I to retreat from chastity and domestic discipline in the face of losing our jobs. We could spiral into depression and not want to move. But I don’t want to do that. First of all, I still have one of my jobs so I still need to get my butt out of the house in the morning. And why would we want to stop doing the one thing that has done us the most good? If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. We need to keep moving forward so at least one thing remains constant. If I suggested unlocking Lion until things get better he could take that to mean I’ve given up on him. I haven’t. I won’t.

What do you think? Leave a comment and start the conversation.

I’m sure it’s boring for him to be home all day. He’s used to some sort of structure. At this point I’m torn between letting him find things to do on his own and making him a list for each day. I feel bad that I’ve been leaving chores for him to do. Laundry was always done on the weekends but the past few weeks I’ve been leaving it for him to do. Sure it fills the hours for him, but at some point am I taking advantage of him? Or am I really just providing him with structure? If I say Monday is laundry day and Tuesday is clean the kitchen day and Wednesday is clean the bathrooms day, etc. is it part of a female led relationship or slavery?

I’m not as structured as Lion so I probably won’t give him set tasks on set days. I think I will continue to give him a task or two each day. Or maybe a list of things that need to be accomplished throughout the week. If he wants to do them all on Monday and take the rest of the week off then so be it. Not that he’s been taking time off. He works on the blog. He cooks almost every day. He’s been doing things around the house whether I ask him to or not. My point is that if I specifically ask him to do something then it becomes a punishable offense if it is not completed. Doing things without being asked might gain him a reward. My other point is that I can’t make him feel like I’m taking advantage of him. I have to find a balance.

No matter what, we are together and not stopping chastity or domestic discipline. He’s stuck with that just like he’s stuck with me. And I know we’re happy to be stuck with each other.