Trouble in Paradise

I may have written about this before. Generally I write my post at work and I can’t exactly bring our site up on a work computer, so I don’t have ready access to prior posts. Anyway, some years back a coworker was upset because his girlfriend of many years dumped him. He wanted to talk to her about the reasons. She said she was done and refused to talk to him. He was flabbergasted. He had no idea that anything was wrong. I sat down with him and explained that she had been thinking about this for some time. In her mind the decision was made and there should be no discussion. I then realized how often we do things like that. We think about something that involves another person and have an entire discussion in our heads without ever involving that person. Later, that discussion may spill out and leave the other person wondering what just happened.

I hate confrontation. At any given time I have a number of conversations going on in my mind. While that may make me sound like I have a mental condition, let me explain. Lion lost his job. What do we do about that? What bills can we pay? What bills do we absolutely have to pay? And so on. My kids live far away. I suspect there’s a problem, but I can’t get a straight answer out of anyone. It’s not like I can just drop by to investigate. Bringing them to live with us is not feasible. What do I do? And so on. I am unhappy with my first job. But it’s secure. My second job is less secure and my boss recently said she was unhappy with the amount of work I am accomplishing. Do I look for another first job so I can maybe only work one job? I can’t not work the second job especially while Lion is out of work. And so on.

Lion knows nothing about these conversations. He’s not in my brain. I’m not in his either. That’s why when he told me things haven’t been going well with us, I was confused. When he writes a post that seems to suggest that I am not making him happy he assures me that his posts don’t necessarily apply to me directly. He is often making general statements about chastity and female led relationships. So to all of a sudden (to me) say that things have been stagnant for a long time and that I haven’t done this or that, pulls the rug out from under me. And when I have to take a few minutes to wrap my head around what just happened, he thinks I’m not going to respond to him.

It’s true that I haven’t really embraced the female led relationship as much as I could have. Part of me thinks I haven’t gotten this chastity thing figured out yet so why are we trying something new. Lion tells me I’m doing fine with chastity and domestic discipline is just an extension of that. It’s also true that in my effort to be consistent with playing I’ve made it too much of a routine. On the way to work I was thinking about Lion’s recent wait. I decided to experiment with ruined orgasms. He hates them. I guess I was so focused on mastering them that I forgot to do anything else.

When I have a lot on my mind I tend to disappear into my iPad. I tell myself that those games help with my brain’s cognitive function. In reality, popping those bubbles or destroying that barricade gives me a mini vacation from life. Unfortunately it gives me a mini vacation from Lion too. And I forget that while I’ve been banging my head against the wall at work, he’s been doing housework and waiting for me to come home so he can have some companionship.

Lion suggests there is a vast difference between what I write on here and what I actually do at home. I did not realize that so I will be reviewing both of our posts to correct that. The last thing I want is for us to go back to the way things were before his caging.

What do you think?