More Baby Steps

I know I can whomp Lion’s butt hard. I’ve done it. That’s not really in question. The part that bothers me, still, is that I am doing it as punishment. Why am I punishing him? Why am I punishing him? What right do I have to punish him? Yes, I’m still stuck on that. If I wasn’t then I think the logical thing to have done when he got mad at me the other night would have been to get out the paddle and start whacking. Instead, I just felt hurt and I was sure everything was my fault.

First of all, Lion does not want me to whomp him out of anger. If I’m ever that mad it is better for both of us for me to just walk away and come back when I’m more rational. I forget what my sons did when they were little but I remember telling them that I should spank them but if I started I wasn’t sure I would be able to stop so they should just go to their room for a while. Second, at least in this case, it was my fault. The part about ignoring him. Not the part about him not communicating. Third, why can’t I spank him for punishment? Isn’t it similar to spanking him for play? He wants the play and he wants the punishment.

It took me a long time to be comfortable with tease and deny. I thought that it was cruel. Getting my mind wrapped around punishment is just as hard. Lion says I talk a good game in my posts. Well, yeah. I feel like I’m developing a split personality. The top wants to make Lion happy. She’s able to deny him and be mean. She’s able to punish him. She laughs when Lion says his butt hurts or he’s horny. “Regular” me also wants to make Lion happy but every once in a while realizes what the top is doing and slams on the brakes. She’s not mean. She wants to make Lion breakfast on the weekends. The only thing both agree on is that they’re pretty sure they fail at making Lion really happy.

My experiment of punishing Lion every night for a week is to prove to myself I can do it. I know I can. But I have to drill it into my head that this is what he wants and I can do it. Lion wonders why I have focused on spanking as punishment. Well, he suggested it. And I have to start somewhere. Once I am more comfortable with it I may branch out into lengthening his wait, or taking away play days, or maybe something I haven’t thought of yet. Baby steps. I’ll get there.

[Lion — Mrs. Lion wrote this post at the same time I wrote mine for tomorrow. They are very similar. I think Mrs. Lion needs to continue her practice punishment until she is comfortable making it hard for me to sit. I will regret saying this, but it’s the right thing. One thing she is wrong about is making me happy. Both Mrs. Lions make me very happy with or without this stuff. I am happier than I have ever been in my life.]

What do you think?