May 2015

I don’t think there are many human endeavors that come without cost. Enforced chastity is something that helps satisfy some deeply held male needs. It’s a real power exchange with the surrendered power the most fundamental force in a male’s life: his sexual pleasure. From Freud to Jung it’s well established that at the base, sex is one of the key drivers in our lives. It’s nature’s most powerful life force. Without it, we would be extinct. Human society limits sexual expression in complex patterns that includes marriage, consent, and propriety. All of this is imbued into our psyches almost from the moment we are born.

Now, we add enforced chastity. Those of us who desire it are strongly moved to surrender sexual control to a keyholder. In most cases, people give up after a short time. Either partner is just not emotionally prepared for what’s involved. That’s not a criticism of those people. Enforced chastity isn’t for everyone. Those of us that make it part of our lifestyle, I think are at risk for unexpected consequences.

Many men who have been practicing enforced chastity for over a year, some many years, report a significant loss of desire to ejaculate. Many don’t want to come at all. They do get occasional orgasms when their keyholders want them. This loss of interest is frequently described as, “transferring my sexual feelings to my keyholder.” Giving her orgasms, they say, nicely replaces their own. What started as keyholder control of the male’s sexual pleasure, ends up with the male completely subsumed by her sexual satisfaction. Guys who have been doing this for many years end up giving up their own orgasms entirely.

When we started enforced chastity, my wish was to have Mrs. Lion control when I can get hard and ejaculate. I see it as part of a larger D/S relationship. Unlike our previous play sessions, enforced chastity is 24/7. I’m pretty sure that most other guys started out with this idea as well. But something seems to happen to them. They lose interest in coming. Regardless of why they say this has happened, it is a loss of a major source of pleasure. The process seems to be very gradual. It starts with the desire for longer waits. Those waits become very pleasurable since desire grows each day. Providing orgasms to the keyholder keeps interest in sex alive and in the foreground. Ejaculation puts an end to the growing desire. It starts a refractory period that feels unpleasant. After some time, generally several days, the horniness returns and grows until the next ejaculation.

It isn’t hard to see that ejaculation, instead of being the climax to arousal, becomes the buzz kill that results in days of reduced pleasure. Logically, the longer the interval between ejaculations, the more arousal. After a while, ejaculation becomes superfluous; another service for the pleasure of the keyholder. For her part, the keyholder settles into an enjoyable pattern of orgasms and male obedience. She begins to see his penis as another toy for her sexual pleasure. I don’t think this is a conscious decision, any more than he decides not to ejaculate. It’s the logical consequence of the male arousal without ejaculation combined with her orgasm on demand. This isn’t some evil female plot. Both partners love one another and believe they are giving each other maximum pleasure.

It looks that way. He is on a constant arousal high only interrupted by the occasional ejaculation. She sees his great pleasure at pleasing her. It seems to be a win-win. He encourages her to give him longer and longer waits. She loves the sensual pleasures he is providing and believes that he must know what works best for him. Apparently abstinence with arousal is addictive. It is for me. Like most addictions, this one can have negative consequences. Do both partners really want him to be completely sexually dependent on her? Should he replace the satisfaction of ejaculation with near-orgasmic arousal? Should he crave sexual contact that doesn’t include his penis, or if it does, never to the point of ejaculation? That’s what appears to happen to a lot of us.

Speaking for myself, since Mrs. Lion doesn’t want orgasms, I can see my interest in my own ejaculation diminishing but I have no sexual replacement other than near-orgasmic teasing (edging). Lately, it’s very difficult for Mrs. Lion to arouse me until I have been waiting almost a week. I’m not happy about this. I don’t want to lose my desire to ejaculate. That would be falling off the edge of the earth to me. It’s early enough in our enforced chastity for me to understand what is happening. I think that if Mrs. Lion wanted orgasms, I wouldn’t have made this observation. The sweet haze of her sexual pleasure would have blinded me.

I think that this is a situation where keyholders have to save us from ourselves. No matter how natural or “right” you think this gradual loss of desire to ejaculate is, you probably agree that this could open the door to other changes you might not want. One of these is an increased emotional dependence on her. Again, maybe that is what you want. But I don’t. Regardless, I think keyholders should provide some sexual balance that doesn’t diminish their control, but will assure that the male is having pleasure himself for his own sake.

This is no easy task. Your reverse sexual addict doesn’t want things the way they were. This new model feels too good. At this point it doesn’t feel all that good to me. Here’s what I have been thinking about: There has to be sexual activity that centers around his pleasure exclusively. Just as he provides orgasms on demand for you, he needs you to focus on his sexual pleasure. It can be butt plugs and then extended teasing that doesn’t end with your orgasm. Stay dressed. Plug him, use a dildo (not a strap-on), and tease him. Persist regardless of how difficult it is to get his motor running. Vary when he gets to ejaculate. Don’t let the waits stretch on and on. Shorten them. Sure, sometimes he can wait a long time, but that long wait will be easy if he is used to waiting that long.

I think keyholder power should be aimed at his pleasure much more often than he may want. Based on what I have learned, optimal enforced chastity has a very horny male that craves ejaculation being controlled by his keyholder. As soon as he starts transferring his pleasure to the keyholder, control is being lost. Asking for longer waits is topping from the bottom as surely as asking for more orgasms. I know that this isn’t the popular line, but I think that one of the most important keyholder responsibilities is to assure her caged male’s sexual health.

Last night was maintenance spanking night. Lion reminded me after he read my post yesterday. That’s the risk in mentioning it in my post. Not that he wouldn’t have remembered on his own, and maybe he did, but my post was definitely a reminder too. If I don’t do his swats a little while after dinner I tend to forget about them. I like to do them before we start any activities because I don’t want the punishment or maintenance to be associated with the festivities. Last night I remembered around 10 pm. Then they were close to our play. And, as it turns out, Lion wasn’t up for play anyway.

Earlier in the day, the Lion weather report was horny. Somewhere between then and 10 pm, clouds rolled in. When he wasn’t getting excited he apologized. He doesn’t need to apologize. The festivities are mostly for him. I don’t have a lot invested. If I was horny myself or had gotten all dressed up in leather and lace to play with him, then there would be something to apologize for. But for now it’s mostly for his entertainment and a certain amount of amusement for me. After I stopped trying to play with him he said he didn’t know what happened. He’d been horny earlier in the day. Maybe it had just gotten too late. It’s possible that, as the clock ticked toward 10 pm he started to give up or realize that we were slipping back into the 10 o’clock it must be playtime pattern. As he brushed his teeth he decided what we were missing was snuggle time. He’d feel better, we’d both feel better, if we just snuggle more often.

As I was thinking about it this morning I realize I feel like I’ve been in a holding pattern for a while. I’m waiting for Lion to get a job. I’m waiting to see if we can afford to go camping. I’m waiting to pack things into the camper. I’m waiting for payday. I’ve been letting that holding pattern affect our play. What am I waiting for? I guess the magic number of ten o’clock. That’s the time the alarm goes off in my brain for us to play. If I can break that cycle again I may have cracked the code of Lion not being receptive to play. I need to catch him shortly after his Jeopardy nap when he’s refreshed. (His Jeopardy nap is when he’ll be quietly snoring and say the answers in his sleep, and they’re usually correct.) As long as I vary the time we play and rarely do it at 10 o’clock we should have fewer issues. I’ll just need to be more cognizant of the time.

Yesterday, in her post, Mrs. Lion said she would consider a point system that would work to allow me to earn orgasms. This is a very interesting idea to me. It seems simple enough: Mrs. Lion would award or subtract points for my behavior over a period of time. She could also give me challenges that allow me to accumulate points. When I get enough points, Mrs. Lion can give me an orgasm. She doesn’t have to. She can still make me wait, but it is an available option. If I get more than the required points, I can be eligible for a bonus orgasm at her discretion.

The devil in an idea like this is in the details. To make this work, the point accumulation must be within a certain period of time. Points accrued prior to the start of the current period would not count. So, we need that point-accumulating window. Obviously, only a bonus orgasm would be awarded during the accumulation period. In a sense, it sets a minimum wait. That’s the easy part. How do I earn or lose points? And how many for a given activity?

Up until now we have struggled with making rules and enforcing them. This point system can be more playful since it doesn’t really have to mesh with the FLR rules I have now. Up until now, Mrs. Lion hasn’t shown a lot of interest in sexual games. I have to admit that I haven’t either. Clearly, we need advice. We have one other handicap that most couples practicing enforced chastity don’t: Mrs. Lion has lost her libido. I can’t earn points for giving her orgasms. I would love to, but while she likes coming, she doesn’t want to.

Another issue is that Mrs. Lion doesn’t enjoy the power she has. I have hoped that something in FLM or enforced chastity would amuse her or turn her on. So far, no luck. That means adding a point system is more overhead for her. As she’s said, she does benefit from the improved communications and physical closeness. That’s why she wants us to continue indefinitely. To further complicate matters, Mrs. Lion really likes to give me orgasms.

Clearly we need help. The goal of any game we add isn’t so much to provide a way to schedule my orgasms, as it is a way to add some extra sport and fun. Also, it gives me a chance to affect when I get to come next. So, dice games and other random number stuff isn’t really interesting. Challenges and other activities I do to earn points would probably be the most fun for us both. We don’t want a set of rules that looks like the NFL rulebook. Whatever we do has to be simple for Mrs. Lion to manage. I can take care of the bookkeeping and track points, etc. I track offenses now for punishment days. Even if she wanted me to, I couldn’t come up with stuff that would allow me to earn points.

The obvious choice for earning points, giving my lioness orgasms, is out for now. There must be other stuff; but what?