Understanding Power Exchange

I’ve been writing about some of what I think are unintended consequences of enforced chastity. But what about the intended ones; the power exchange itself. Both enforced chastity and FLM/FLR are power exchanges. This is a topic I know something about. Over the last three decades or so I have practiced as a top and taught workshops aspects of D/S power exchanges. I think that most keyholders and dominant partners have never had the benefit of in-person workshops and seminars. Learning is done via trial and error as well as reading posts and articles on the web. The problem with both of these methods is that there is no independent review of the actions and information. I don’t think I have the right answers, but I would like to offer some suggestions that come from my years of doing this.

Hard Limits
This is one of the key outputs of negotiation. Many online “dom(mes)” claim that negotiation isn’t needed. A power exchange is unconditional surrender. I have one word for that: bullshit! All D/S is consensual. Both top and bottom agree on what the power exchange is about. A key element of this are limits. Newbies often claim they have no limits. Does that mean you can have their arms and legs amputated if the mood strikes? There are two kinds of limit: obvious and individual. Obvious limits are things like no mutilation, sex with animals and children, public exposure that causes loss of employment, etc. Even though they are obvious, it’s good practice to list them. It can provide some good laughs as you think of them. But stating these is a good way to get into the right frame of mind.

Individual limits are critical to successful power exchange. With enforced chastity the most important limits are frequently set by the top/keyholder. Guys entering enforced chastity are often blinded by the fantasies that have been turning them on for a long time. As a general rule, if sexual arousal accompanies a limits discussion, the turned-on party is probably not going to be very rational. One limit I think is quite important in enforced chastity is maximum wait time. Interestingly, this is one thing that most guys don’t want limited, at least at first.

There are good reasons not to let the male set this limit. The most important is that the most of us want to think that our keyholders can make us wait as long as they want. I call this a silent limit. Every keyholder should set one. The reason it is important to decide this early on is that once the game is underway, a keyholder can get carried away. Having a limit will help keep things in check.

Another set of limits that will change with time, is what areas of the male’s life are under the full authority of his top/keyholder. In this case, “everything” is not an acceptable answer. This can be a very long list, but it is extremely useful to create it. Mrs. Lion and I don’t have a written list. She doesn’t like that kind of structure, but we do have a very specific set of limits. In our case, Mrs. Lion has control of everything in my life that isn’t work related. She can (and does) require me to be naked at home, but doesn’t tell me what to wear. Instead of specific limits, we have “rules”. This is just another way of expressing span of control. Since we have been together more than a decade, we don’t have to be too specific. However, I have the right to object if I feel a personal limit is being crossed.

Soft Limits
If you haven’t seen this term before, it refers to things the bottom isn’t ready to do now, but may well learn to do later. In enforced chastity, long waits are sometimes a soft limit. The male needs time to get used to waiting before he will be able to manage longer waits. Different kinds of play can also be soft limits. For example, some bottoms don’t want to be caned. That’s a soft limit. Over time, the bottom can most likely be trained to accept that stimulation.

Unlike hard limits, the top is able to “test” these limits by pushing things a little at a time. If the bottom objects, back off but don’t give up. Anal play frequently involves soft limits. Butt plugs can be very painful in the beginning, so a bottom may not be able to accept even a small one. A creative top will overcome this soft limit by stimulating his penis while inserting a lubed finger, teaching him to associate pleasure with anal activity. Over time he will learn to take larger and larger objects. The same is true with other sensation play like spanking. Patience and gradual increase of stimulation will usually overcome the earlier objections.

In our case, there is an exception to soft limits; if I am being punished, Mrs. Lion uses as much force as she wants when she spanks me with a nasty paddle. Punishment is designed to condition me to avoid naughty behavior.

Conditioning
Speaking of conditioning, this is an area that can be a lot of fun for both top and bottom. It can also be the source of some serious unintended consequences. I think of conditioning as the modification of behavior that is automatic so that the bottom doesn’t even realize he is performing it. Conditioning is useful in some cases and fun in others. Mrs. Lion is conditioning me to always wait for her to eat first or to get her permission to begin. I’m learning but still have to think about it. Over time, that will change and become automatic. To condition someone, the desired behavior must be consistently reinforced. In my case, I get punished if I don’t perform it. Rewards can also be used for successful performance. The key is consistency. As to what to train your male to do; I’ll leave that to your imagination.

Unintended conditioning can occur as a side effect of enforced behavior, like orgasm control. A male can be conditioned not to expect orgasms. While this is not desired, it can occur when he is consistently denied for periods of time. This change can manifest itself as decreased interest in orgasm, less interest in arousal, or other loss of sexual desire. It’s impossible to predict what conditioning will result in unexpected consequences. For that reason, the top/keyholder has to be observant. Time magnifies conditioning. The longer the behavior is performed, the more automatic it will become. Since many of us are under long term orgasm control, conditioning is going to be very strong. Unintended consequences become more and more likely as time goes by.

Maintenance
Most power exchanges are short term. In the BDSM world, typical D/S activity extends over a few hours to a few days. It’s rare when a power exchange is full time. Enforced chastity and FLM are by definition, long-term, full-time activities. That means we are particularly susceptible to issues that can bite us in the ass over time. We are also susceptible to boredom. Generally, the male retains his interest. After all, his penis is locked up and he can’t have an orgasm without his top’s agreement. Tops, on the other hand, can begin to find their roles to be tedious and unrewarding. This isn’t unique to enforced chastity or FLM. In the BDSM world it’s called “top drop”. It’s a letdown after intense activity or sustained effort as a top. I suspect this is the leading cause of couples dropping their power exchanges.

Keeping things interesting over the long run is an exercise in creativity. Both partners should work to find ways to keep things exciting. In our relationship, I’m the one who usually thinks of new things. I spend time reading on the Internet and thinking about what might work. I present these ideas to my lioness. She usually disregards them, but sometimes I hit on one she wants to try. It doesn’t really matter if she rejects them all. The conversations around our enforced chastity and FLM help keep things fresh.

Commitment and Consistency
Anything that is long term requires a certain level of commitment. Enforced chastity usually involves wearing a chastity device 24/7. That make the male committed by default. He can’t change his chastity. You, as keyholder, on the other hand, can disregard his state and move to more important matters at any time. This unbalance, some say, is the essence of a true power exchange; the top is free to disregard the bottom, but the bottom can not escape his fate. This inescapability is one of the most exciting aspects of enforced chastity. It is also one of its most serious traps.

Induced Fetishes This can be a lot of fun for you as keyholder. Ironically, induced fetishes are frequently unintended consequences of repeated activities. Basically, he is conditioned to respond in a predictable way to a stimulus. Here’s an example of both an induced fetish and unintended consequence:

John is under orgasm control. He gets teased regularly and when she wishes, his keyholder lets him have an orgasm. She loves the feeling of John coming inside of her. So every time he is allowed to come, he does so inside her vagina.

If he is only allowed orgasm inside her vagina, after a time, that will be the only way he expects to come. It is unlikely he will ever be unable to come outside of her vagina; sex is too strong for that. But it will be difficult and possibly uncomfortable to orgasm outside of her. His keyholder’s vagina is now a fetish. Truthfully, most men have this fetish to one extent or another, but in John’s case, it will become much stronger.

Another induced fetish can be a body position required for orgasm. Most men are conditioned to orgasm most easily with their legs closed. This is the result of the simple reality for most intercourse positions, the male’s legs need to be closed. He will naturally masturbate this way too. You can train him to always have his legs wide apart for both teasing and orgasm. Just make it a rule. Over time it will become automatic. A variation of this is to have him keep his knees bent, feet on the bed and legs wide apart. Or, have his knees bent and up, much the way many women are positioned for missionary sex. This change in position will feel unnatural to him at first and will make him more vulnerable. It’s also nice because you can provide anal stimulation at the same time you stimulate his penis.

You get the idea. Teach him to associate things with sexual arousal and orgasm. That, after all, is what constitutes a fetish. You can use objects like your panties over his face. Use your imagination. This can be fun for you and maybe him as well.