Month: June 2015 (Page 15)

Our discussion about our new game seems to have picked up speed and, to my thinking, gone off the rails. I admit, I hadn’t given it a tremendous amount of thought, but I was trying to keep it simple. Lion reaches 50 points by doing these tasks and he gets an orgasm. Done. Yesterday I gave Lion some more ideas for earning points and he ran with it. Really. He was off like a shot. When I got home he had an elaborate chart made. A rolling period of time with points dropping off and points being added. I don’t quite have my head wrapped around it yet.

Last night, as we were talking, I wondered if, instead of having points drop off (or in addition too, what do I know?) we could have a goal that would guarantee him an orgasm. If 50 points gives me the option, then maybe 75 would be the guarantee. Just a little twist on things. I still have to give him a larger list of ways to earn points and maybe adjust the point values. And I don’t have a full list of what would lose him points. We’re really in the beginning stages and I don’t even understand how it’s supposed to work.

Lion has set about figuring out the cosine of the tangent so he can multiply by the square root of an orange. I think maybe I’ll let him figure the whole thing out since I’ve never been very good at figuring out the square root of an orange. When he’s done with his whole presentation of 8 x 10 colored glossy photographs with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back, then I’ll consider it and make any changes needed. Somehow we’ll figure it all out. It may not look like any game either of us imagined, but it will be something we can live with and that’s all that really matters.

I made the mistake of including orgasms for me as part of the potential points to be earned. Now he’ll be trying to get me to want sex even more than he already does. He wants to get points for each orgasm, rather than my just having orgasms. I think I’ll counter that proposal with a certain number of points for the first one and lesser points for subsequent. I don’t want to encourage him to go for all of his points in one session on me. Maybe 5 points for the initial orgasm, three for the next two and one for each after that. And maybe cap it at a 10 point limit.

I think this will definitely be an evolving game. I’m sure we won’t get it right the first time. We’ll forget to include something or that one idea didn’t quite work. I do know that it won’t be the simple little 50 point game I halfway imagined.

I’ve been writing about some of what I think are unintended consequences of enforced chastity. But what about the intended ones; the power exchange itself. Both enforced chastity and FLM/FLR are power exchanges. This is a topic I know something about. Over the last three decades or so I have practiced as a top and taught workshops aspects of D/S power exchanges. I think that most keyholders and dominant partners have never had the benefit of in-person workshops and seminars. Learning is done via trial and error as well as reading posts and articles on the web. The problem with both of these methods is that there is no independent review of the actions and information. I don’t think I have the right answers, but I would like to offer some suggestions that come from my years of doing this.

Hard Limits
This is one of the key outputs of negotiation. Many online “dom(mes)” claim that negotiation isn’t needed. A power exchange is unconditional surrender. I have one word for that: bullshit! All D/S is consensual. Both top and bottom agree on what the power exchange is about. A key element of this are limits. Newbies often claim they have no limits. Does that mean you can have their arms and legs amputated if the mood strikes? There are two kinds of limit: obvious and individual. Obvious limits are things like no mutilation, sex with animals and children, public exposure that causes loss of employment, etc. Even though they are obvious, it’s good practice to list them. It can provide some good laughs as you think of them. But stating these is a good way to get into the right frame of mind.

Individual limits are critical to successful power exchange. With enforced chastity the most important limits are frequently set by the top/keyholder. Guys entering enforced chastity are often blinded by the fantasies that have been turning them on for a long time. As a general rule, if sexual arousal accompanies a limits discussion, the turned-on party is probably not going to be very rational. One limit I think is quite important in enforced chastity is maximum wait time. Interestingly, this is one thing that most guys don’t want limited, at least at first.

There are good reasons not to let the male set this limit. The most important is that the most of us want to think that our keyholders can make us wait as long as they want. I call this a silent limit. Every keyholder should set one. The reason it is important to decide this early on is that once the game is underway, a keyholder can get carried away. Having a limit will help keep things in check.

Another set of limits that will change with time, is what areas of the male’s life are under the full authority of his top/keyholder. In this case, “everything” is not an acceptable answer. This can be a very long list, but it is extremely useful to create it. Mrs. Lion and I don’t have a written list. She doesn’t like that kind of structure, but we do have a very specific set of limits. In our case, Mrs. Lion has control of everything in my life that isn’t work related. She can (and does) require me to be naked at home, but doesn’t tell me what to wear. Instead of specific limits, we have “rules”. This is just another way of expressing span of control. Since we have been together more than a decade, we don’t have to be too specific. However, I have the right to object if I feel a personal limit is being crossed.

Soft Limits
If you haven’t seen this term before, it refers to things the bottom isn’t ready to do now, but may well learn to do later. In enforced chastity, long waits are sometimes a soft limit. The male needs time to get used to waiting before he will be able to manage longer waits. Different kinds of play can also be soft limits. For example, some bottoms don’t want to be caned. That’s a soft limit. Over time, the bottom can most likely be trained to accept that stimulation.

Unlike hard limits, the top is able to “test” these limits by pushing things a little at a time. If the bottom objects, back off but don’t give up. Anal play frequently involves soft limits. Butt plugs can be very painful in the beginning, so a bottom may not be able to accept even a small one. A creative top will overcome this soft limit by stimulating his penis while inserting a lubed finger, teaching him to associate pleasure with anal activity. Over time he will learn to take larger and larger objects. The same is true with other sensation play like spanking. Patience and gradual increase of stimulation will usually overcome the earlier objections.

In our case, there is an exception to soft limits; if I am being punished, Mrs. Lion uses as much force as she wants when she spanks me with a nasty paddle. Punishment is designed to condition me to avoid naughty behavior.

Speaking of conditioning, this is an area that can be a lot of fun for both top and bottom. It can also be the source of some serious unintended consequences. I think of conditioning as the modification of behavior that is automatic so that the bottom doesn’t even realize he is performing it. Conditioning is useful in some cases and fun in others. Mrs. Lion is conditioning me to always wait for her to eat first or to get her permission to begin. I’m learning but still have to think about it. Over time, that will change and become automatic. To condition someone, the desired behavior must be consistently reinforced. In my case, I get punished if I don’t perform it. Rewards can also be used for successful performance. The key is consistency. As to what to train your male to do; I’ll leave that to your imagination.

Unintended conditioning can occur as a side effect of enforced behavior, like orgasm control. A male can be conditioned not to expect orgasms. While this is not desired, it can occur when he is consistently denied for periods of time. This change can manifest itself as decreased interest in orgasm, less interest in arousal, or other loss of sexual desire. It’s impossible to predict what conditioning will result in unexpected consequences. For that reason, the top/keyholder has to be observant. Time magnifies conditioning. The longer the behavior is performed, the more automatic it will become. Since many of us are under long term orgasm control, conditioning is going to be very strong. Unintended consequences become more and more likely as time goes by.

Most power exchanges are short term. In the BDSM world, typical D/S activity extends over a few hours to a few days. It’s rare when a power exchange is full time. Enforced chastity and FLM are by definition, long-term, full-time activities. That means we are particularly susceptible to issues that can bite us in the ass over time. We are also susceptible to boredom. Generally, the male retains his interest. After all, his penis is locked up and he can’t have an orgasm without his top’s agreement. Tops, on the other hand, can begin to find their roles to be tedious and unrewarding. This isn’t unique to enforced chastity or FLM. In the BDSM world it’s called “top drop”. It’s a letdown after intense activity or sustained effort as a top. I suspect this is the leading cause of couples dropping their power exchanges.

Keeping things interesting over the long run is an exercise in creativity. Both partners should work to find ways to keep things exciting. In our relationship, I’m the one who usually thinks of new things. I spend time reading on the Internet and thinking about what might work. I present these ideas to my lioness. She usually disregards them, but sometimes I hit on one she wants to try. It doesn’t really matter if she rejects them all. The conversations around our enforced chastity and FLM help keep things fresh.

Commitment and Consistency
Anything that is long term requires a certain level of commitment. Enforced chastity usually involves wearing a chastity device 24/7. That make the male committed by default. He can’t change his chastity. You, as keyholder, on the other hand, can disregard his state and move to more important matters at any time. This unbalance, some say, is the essence of a true power exchange; the top is free to disregard the bottom, but the bottom can not escape his fate. This inescapability is one of the most exciting aspects of enforced chastity. It is also one of its most serious traps.

Induced Fetishes This can be a lot of fun for you as keyholder. Ironically, induced fetishes are frequently unintended consequences of repeated activities. Basically, he is conditioned to respond in a predictable way to a stimulus. Here’s an example of both an induced fetish and unintended consequence:

John is under orgasm control. He gets teased regularly and when she wishes, his keyholder lets him have an orgasm. She loves the feeling of John coming inside of her. So every time he is allowed to come, he does so inside her vagina.

If he is only allowed orgasm inside her vagina, after a time, that will be the only way he expects to come. It is unlikely he will ever be unable to come outside of her vagina; sex is too strong for that. But it will be difficult and possibly uncomfortable to orgasm outside of her. His keyholder’s vagina is now a fetish. Truthfully, most men have this fetish to one extent or another, but in John’s case, it will become much stronger.

Another induced fetish can be a body position required for orgasm. Most men are conditioned to orgasm most easily with their legs closed. This is the result of the simple reality for most intercourse positions, the male’s legs need to be closed. He will naturally masturbate this way too. You can train him to always have his legs wide apart for both teasing and orgasm. Just make it a rule. Over time it will become automatic. A variation of this is to have him keep his knees bent, feet on the bed and legs wide apart. Or, have his knees bent and up, much the way many women are positioned for missionary sex. This change in position will feel unnatural to him at first and will make him more vulnerable. It’s also nice because you can provide anal stimulation at the same time you stimulate his penis.

You get the idea. Teach him to associate things with sexual arousal and orgasm. That, after all, is what constitutes a fetish. You can use objects like your panties over his face. Use your imagination. This can be fun for you and maybe him as well.

Frequently Lion will say he’s lucky to have me. And I will say I’m lucky to have him. Then I joke that we probably both used up all our luck getting each other. Times like this make that joke feel like a reality. Lion hasn’t felt horny since his orgasm and not having a job is the culprit. He’s in an almost constant state of worry. One thing he never has to worry about is my feeling lucky to have him. I know we tend to get mushy and saccharin here sometimes, but it’s how we really feel. If nothing else, we have each other.

I’ve tried to do a balancing act between being in charge and being a “normal” wife. Some nights I have to take my cues and realize that he just isn’t in the mood to play. He’ll apologize because he feels like he’s letting me down. I’ll say it’s ok because, well, it really is ok, but also because I don’t want to push him. Other night he’s his bouncy, horny self looking for attention. And that’s ok too. Things are up in the air now. It stands to reason that sex would be too. There’s no reason we have to play. Even if we agreed to it. Stuff happens.

I’m not ready to call a halt to everything. No time out. I think that would make him feel worse. We’ll just continue playing it by ear. When he’s in the mood we’ll play. Whatever I can do to keep the normalcy in our kink I will do.

He really is lucky to have me.

[Lion — Yes I am!]

Mrs. Lion has decided to start a game using points to earn orgasms. I think this could be fun for her and interesting for me. In her post yesterday, she began formulating how the game works. Based on her post, this is what I understand: I will earn one point for each hour holding a butt plug. If I don’t squirm while being spanked, 1 point. If I reach a punishment day with none earned, 2 points. If I squirm -2 points. Failing to be horny on a given day -2 points. Goal for an orgasm, 50 points.

Based on this plan, I would have to hold a butt plug for 50 hours to earn an orgasm. I could reduce that by not squirming or not earning punishment. The maximum for that is 2 points per session. We have 2 sessions a week. Realistically, I might be eligible for an orgasm every two months under this setup. It seems to me we might want to tweak this a bit. Here is my suggestion:

  1. Each day of waiting = 2, 3 if over 10 days.
  2. Butt plug, small 1 per hour, medium 3 per hour, large 5 per hour. Mrs. Lion decides what each is worth. No partial points.

Same deal for punishments, etc. If we do that, I might get an orgasm in less than a month, but it would require other opportunities to earn points. That’s the problem with starting off with just a few things. If the total required is 50, then I should have a reasonable chance to hit that inside of the typical wait that Mrs. Lion wants to set. Extra chances to earn points could be fun (for her). Unfortunately, games like this do require enough opportunities to gain and lose points to realistically give me a chance for an orgasm. This makes it more complex, of course. If the goal is nearly unattainable, I doubt I will try to hit it.

Of course, the big question is, Why have a game at all? The answer isn’t simple. Long term enforced chastity can either turn into a routine where Mrs. Lion’s involvement is minimal (teasing and the eventual handjob), or it can become increasingly interactive where the carrot of an orgasm and the stick of more waiting can be used in an entertaining way for her and sometimes, me. Since I like D/S and Mrs. Lion has learned to be a good top, the more interactive version is what I want. In a more vanilla setting, I’m not sure what the keyholder’s role is beyond withholding orgasms for some arbitrary time.

When we first started enforced chastity, I didn’t really understand the point of so-called chastity games. My view was that this is a power exchange and the keyholder should hold all the sexual cards. That’s the big reason I don’t like using my coupons. It feels like I am taking over when I do. The big benefit of a game is that Mrs. Lion isn’t required to come up with reasons I can or can’t come. In a very topish way she gives me “chances” to earn release. In the strictly BDSM context, as a top I enjoyed games. I liked watching my bottom struggle to get the prize. Now as a bottom/caged male, I want to experience that struggle too.

I’m not sure where this will go for us. Knowing my lioness, we will end up with a point system that works for us. She is very creative and is an excellent puzzle solver. Once she sets her mind to it, she will also find ways to make me struggle for that elusive orgasm. I think that could be big fun.