Month: July 2015

On the way to our destination last weekend, the truck reminded us it was time for an oil change. By the ride home it was demanding it. So today we are sitting, waiting for the oil change. And suddenly, Lion decided, after finding out he didn’t get the marathon-interview job, that it’s time to panic. Well, not panic exactly. Just time to decide what our next step should be.

One thing I have to give my ex credit for is knowing when to circle the wagons. We lived through many financial problems. His first response was always to cut expenses drastically. No more extras. He called it low tide mode. We had to wait for the tide (money) to come back in.

At this point, the tide is not low. It is non-existent. Time for change. Unfortunately that change now has to happen quickly. We should have planned better.

Lion is better at financial decisions than I am, but when this ship goes down it’s taking both of us with it. I cannot put all the decisions on him. Nor can he put them all on me. However, since decisions are not my strong suit, and I find them exhausting, should I have to be the decision maker for our sex life? Sure I have delusions that I will one day wake up and be all-powerful. I’ll have no problems telling Lion what to do and how to do it. But that’s not reality. It’s not even my fantasy.

On the other hand, if I make the decisions for our sex life, will that give him the piece of mind needed to make financial decisions? Not alone, of course. But if he is assured that I have the marriage/sex taken care of, will it help him in other areas? Just a thought. Obviously we need to talk this through. It’s important that neither one of us feels like we’re doing everything.

I am definitely not a fan and of change, but it is inevitable. In the past year and a half we’ve both changed a lot. We’re not done yet.

Since I have been locked in enforced chastity, I’ve been ambivalent about my role. I’ve been thinking about why I wanted enforced chastity and later FLM*. My history is just the opposite. Most of my adult life I was a practicing top. I think the reason I was a top had much more to do with economics than my own sexual nature. By economics, I am talking about the law of supply and demand. In New York, where I spent most of my life, wannabe male submissives were everywhere. At BDSM events there were very few dominant women, and those who were there always had submissive male companions. In contrast, there were many submissive women looking for dominant men. Given a choice of role, it made the most sense for me to be a top.

A lot of people don’t feel that they have a choice in role. I’m lucky in that I am happy in either capacity. So, for three decades I was a fairly well known dominant. It was big fun and I was good at it. But my fantasies were always about things being done to me, not of me doing things to others. This isn’t unusual. I discussed it with other tops. Very few didn’t share my ambivalence. Technically, I am a switch. That means I can enjoy top or bottom. Most of the dominants of both sexes that I have known, can also switch. I think of it as Yin and Yang. Topping is Ying and bottoming is Yang. There is a need for a balance in most people.

Different people practice topping and bottoming at different levels of intensity. I would rate my topping at medium-high. I’m not sure at what level I bottom. Mrs. Lion could better answer that. Since my fantasies and happiest BDSM memories were with me as bottom, it’s fair to say that I am a bottom at heart. I realized that a few months before I met Mrs. Lion. So when I presented my need to play, I told her I only want to bottom. One reason, I told her, was that if I started topping she might not want to switch back. That had been my experience in the past. She rolled her eyes.

I have been thinking about enforced chastity since the early 1990’s. I mentioned it now and then throughout our marriage. But I never asked to be locked up. I had a problem with being considered submissive. Most of the men I met over the years who self-identified as submissives were unattached, rather-pathetic guys who called every female “Mistress”. I’m not that sort of man. In my mind, submissive men were in a very low caste. I didn’t want to join them. On the other hand, I saw submissive women as very valuable. They worked hard to please their dominants and gloried in their submission. I had a very obvious double standard.

I just couldn’t see myself as a pathetic male submissive. But I loved being tied down and made to accept all sorts of sensation play. So, I decided that was bottoming and being a bottom is an honorable role in BDSM. Semantics saved me. I remained firmly attached to this difference when I asked Mrs. Lion to lock me up. I was hanging up my topping spurs and accepting a full time role as Mrs. Lion’s bottom. For a long time there was a lot of topping from the bottom as Mrs. Lion grew into her role. She needed my “help” to learn how to properly tame this lion. It didn’t take her too long to realize that she didn’t need my help at all.

As time went by, I had to realize that I truly love her control. I’ve had to work through feelings of resentment when my desire to come was frustrated by her decision to make me wait. I no longer have those. Eventually, I came to grips with the fact that the “bottom” and “submissive” labels are synonyms. I am being submissive to Mrs. Lion. I even asked her to take more control by being in charge in our marriage and to use domestic discipline to train me. This is clearly submissive behavior.

I’m still not comfortable with the submissive label. I’m also not completely comfortable surrendering completely to Mrs. Lion. I recognize that I have to learn to accept her authority completely. I think this will happen as she learns to exert it. There is no question that I need training. Mrs. Lion has to work out how to train me. I can’t really help there. I’m hoping that she will get help from other dominant women with more experience.

I still think of myself as a switch, not a submissive. In terms of BDSM, that’s certainly what I am. But my life now casts me as a submissive male. I’m one of the lucky ones. I have a dominant partner. It will take her some time to fully tame me.

*FLM – Female Led Marriage

In the poker game of life, we’ve been getting dealt some pretty crappy hands lately. I’m tired of it. Our luck has to change soon. It just has to. Of course, we haven’t hit bottom yet, but we can sure see bottom from here.

Given all the financial nonsense, I’m not really in the mood for play. Lion says he’s horny and I’m glad to hear it, but I just don’t feel like doing anything about it. Right now, at least. I may later. What I want right now is a chicken sandwich from Burger King and a nice quiet, dark place to hide. My reality is a cup-o-noodles and a very bright break room. Lion talks about his chastity fantasies. My fantasies are much simpler, but somehow just as unattainable at the moment. Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer. I’m sure this will pass before I get home tonight. Right now the only decision I want to make is when to go enjoy that steaming cup-o-noodles.

As I said, by tonight I could have an entirely different outlook on things. I do have tomorrow off. Unless, for some ridiculous reason, I decide to work. That ridiculous reason, of course, is money. Am I going to earn enough tomorrow to fix anything? Not really. I think what we need is some (more) time together to lick our wounds. Even if we just lay in bed all day and watch television. Just being together helps. I guess that’s a good thing since, if we lose everything else, we’ll still have each other. And Lion is my most important possession.

OK. I’m off to savor the chicken flavor of my cup-o-noodles in the cheerful break room. I feel a little better already. Good talk.

Tuesday night Mrs. Lion gave me a great orgasm. I only had a two day wait, but was massively horny. I have no idea why my hormones were so active but I am very grateful for the relief. My sweet lioness’ style of enforced chastity is purely her own and suits us perfectly. For the record, both of us are very upset about the Midwestern dentist who murdered a beloved lion in South Africa. Where is the death penalty when we need it? I certainly hope he never hunts or drills teeth again.

I thought that my interest in sex was tied to my worries about money. Last weekend and Tuesday proves that isn’t true. I’m more worried than ever, but my sex drive has new life. I suppose I shouldn’t be too surprised. The imperative to reproduce has to trump everything else for the species to survive. But still, I am surprised and half expect my interest in sex to disappear as suddenly as it reappeared.

The vast majority of my sexual activity is provided by Mrs. Lion’s hands. This is probably due to her currently eclipsed libido. She has been more concerned about that lately. It isn’t because she misses sex. She’s made it clear that she doesn’t. She now understands how much I love to give her pleasure and for that reason she is considering what she can do to get her mojo back. This both pleases and worries me. She has avoided seeing a doctor because money is so tight. So, at least for the time being, help is unavailable. The last thing I want is for her to feel that she is making me unhappy. She isn’t.

Our situation is unusual in the world of enforced chastity. Most keyholders love the increased sexual pleasure that locking their males provide. It isn’t unusual for a keyholder to have twenty or more orgasms for every one her male gets. This is in sharp contrast to vanilla relationships where the woman is lucky to get as many orgasms as she gives. I used to think that the idea of converting male sexual energy into providing orgasms for his keyholder was largely fantasy. In fact, it is a typical male fantasy, but it’s one that usually comes true.

Girls are conditioned to downplay their sexual needs. This is partly to reduce the chances for unwanted pregnancy. It’s also cultural. You know, “good girls” don’t do it. Women’s lib didn’t entirely erase this conditioning. Even in marriage, many women report finding it difficult to give in to their carnal desires. When her husband introduces the idea of enforced chastity, the spotlight turns on her sexual satisfaction. This isn’t always comfortable for her. Males starting out in enforced chastity are usually so blinded by the excitement of being locked up, that they don’t see the struggle it is causing his keyholder.

We males tend to think that our partners share our enthusiasm for sex. They often don’t. Since a big part of the enforced chastity fantasy is transferring the male’s sexual needs to his partner’s satisfaction, the pressure on his keyholder to “perform” can be terrible. As Mrs. Lion is fond of saying, “baby steps” are the way to approach this transfer of sexual activity. It takes time, sometimes a long time, for a woman to make the transition from sexually passive to the active, sexually-hungry woman the caged male desires.

As we are still discovering, enforced chastity is a process. It only starts with the chastity device. Once the decision is made to begin, it takes a long time for the changes to complete. In our case, the sexual training has been just for me; but there is time, lots of time.

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