To Know Or Not To Know

I’ve made frequent reference to other guys who take great pride in how long they wait for their orgasms and how different I am. It’s true that I get no pleasure thinking about  how long I have held out. But I don’t like it when I get an orgasm because I tell Mrs. Lion I really want one. For me, at least, what I truly want is the power exchange. So, if I get to come because Mrs. Lion knows I am really horny, it feels a bit like topping from the bottom. On the other hand, extending my wait doesn’t feel to me like more control over my sexuality. I think that’s where I am different from some of the other guys. More desperation doesn’t equate with feeling more submissive. I know this feels like a problem for Mrs. Lion: give him an orgasm and he feels that he is topping; don’t give him one for a long time and he still doesn’t feel submissive. It sounds like a lose/lose.

Mrs. Lion wrote about reconsidering letting me know when I might come again. At first, I really didn’t like the idea. Not knowing does add some spice to the game, but then I gave it more thought. If the earliest date I can orgasm is announced in advance, I can’t claim that I am topping from the bottom when I finally do get that orgasm. My expectation is set for the scheduled date. If Mrs. Lion decides to give me a bonus orgasm, it won’t feel like topping from the bottom because I am convinced my next orgasm is engraved in stone. If Mrs. Lion decides to extend the scheduled date as part of a punishment, I will feel it strongly because I have been looking forward to the announced date.

There is a key phrase in my thinking about a schedule: “not before”. That means there is no guarantee that on the appointed date I will actually get to come, just that I have no hope before that date. That keeps the uncertainty under Mrs. Lion’s control. I realize that if she sets a schedule, Mrs. Lion is more likely to make my waits longer. It just seems to work that way. I’m not happy about that. Right now, I’m not too happy about waiting for many days or weeks. I’m also not too happy about anything. Financially, things are coming to a head. I only have one more unemployment check, and it will be for about half of the previous payment. We have no savings. I have a series of job interviews for a company in a couple of days. I’m worried that they will think I am too old. I’m pretty sure this is why I haven’t had much luck yet. So that reality definitely colors all of my thoughts and feelings.

When it comes to my orgasms, I’m beginning to think that wanting them can be more fun than having them. Well, maybe not. But when the time comes for my orgasm I know I really enjoy a big buildup and uncertainty right to the point of no return whether or not this is It. I’ve noticed that after a long wait, my orgasm actually hurts. Others have reported this too. If the wait is too short, the orgasm is very nice but less, well, climatic. All this varies considerably each time. The more buildup, the more exciting. Or, in the case of a long wait, potentially more painful. It doesn’t hurt every time I ejaculate after a long wait (over 10 days), but about 25% of the time it does. If I get another orgasm the next day, it feels really good. I rationalize this by thinking that my body lost it’s sexual tone and after a chance to ejaculate uncomfortably, is restored. I have no idea if this is true. I only know that I never have a painful orgasm if I come every few days (3 days to about a week). I know that other guys have written about this as well. This in no way should affect how Mrs. Lion schedules my ejaculations; just sayin’ this is what seems to happen with me.

While on the subject of feeling Mrs. Lion’s control, it is both exciting and frustrating when she says no to me. This, I know is very difficult for her. In a way it’s like a play spanking; I get aroused thinking about getting one, and aroused remembering it, but hate it while it is being administered. To be clear, I get no feelings of arousal or anticipation for punishment. I just hate those spankings and try my best to avoid them. On those occasions Mrs. Lion spanks me right after I do something wrong, I feel her power acutely. Even if the spanking is for a silly rule, like not dropping food or ice cubes, the immediate response sends my brain the unmistakable message that she is in complete control. If she goes back to announcing orgasm dates and I do something that warrants it, letting me know then and there that the date has moved sends a very powerful message to me. Without an announced date, telling me I have to wait longer has no real effect since I had no anticipation of any specific chance to come. I guess I am asking for a return to scheduled orgasm days. They provide a continuous reminder that I don’t get a vote on when I can come.