This weekend was very eventful for us. We celebrated our tenth wedding anniversary and the thirteenth anniversary of finding each other. Even though we couldn’t afford it, we went to a wonderful restaurant that we love. The owner remembered us and treated us like royalty. Today it’s back to job hunting and figuring out how to hold things together. I toyed with the idea of putting a PayPal “Contribute” button on the blog to see if we could raise enough money to help pay for our server. I have too much pride to do that. I am also convinced that people expect web content to be free and wouldn’t contribute anyway. We aren’t close enough to true bottom for me to take that step. I don’t want another way to feel like a failure.
I’ve been thinking a lot about FLM in our marriage and in marriages others write about. Unlike enforced chastity that has clear metrics to determine if it’s working, FLM is subtle, even invisible in many cases. Yes, we have our punishment days and rules; but they represent a tiny fraction of the contents of our day-to-day lives. With orgasm control and enforced chastity, we know we are practicing it. I wear a chastity device and I have erections and orgasms only when Mrs. Lion explicitly allows it. On the right column of this blog you can see my latest wait and orgasm date. My enforced chastity is clearly defined and can be measured in terms of waits and orgasms.
FLM, on the other hand, has no easy index. Do we count the number of explicit behavioral rules I have and then keep score on infractions and punishments? What would it mean if we do? Does ten behavioral rules and two spankings a month show we have successful FLM? I don’t think so. If we were doing D/S play, we could use a metric like that to support our claim of a female-dominant relationship. But a Female Led Marriage is a way of life, not a set of activities. So we need to dig deeper to know if it is working.
It seems to me that tallying who makes the most decisions doesn’t measure a power exchange at all. In our case, I am a better manager and I tend to make most of the family financial decisions. As FLM evolves, Mrs. Lion could take on more and more domestic management. Seeing that evolution would be evidence of FLM. But that sort of change is very long term and slow. To rush it would add a great deal of stress to Mrs. Lion and potentially let things fall through the cracks.
I propose an easier, safer course of action. As Mrs. Lion has often said, I tend to just go off and do or get what I want. I’m not irresponsible about these things, but my pattern is to act unilaterally. Mrs. Lion, on the other hand, never does or buys what she wants and she won’t discuss or ask for things; my exact opposite. She has trained herself to have low or no expectations. I hate that. One of the reasons I want a FLM is that perhaps Mrs. Lion will begin having expectations and assume I will fulfill them. Perhaps she will just go and do or get what she wants. I’m not concerned she will turn into a compulsive shopaholic. That’s never going to happen. But if she starts letting me know what she wants it will show FLM is taking root. I also hope she will continue telling me what she expects of me and enforces her requirements. For my part, I have to learn to ask for things and not just get or do them. The most difficult part of this process is discipline. Every time Mrs. Lion catches me just doing something on my own, I need correction. She likes spanking as a way of making her point. It works with me. Like enforced chastity, FLM sets Mrs. Lion as the leader and enforcer. I will learn through personal resolve and punishment for slips.
Mrs. Lion has no external force to keep her on track. Her changes have to come from within. No on will spank her if she doesn’t express a want. It will affect her. She will be unhappy. In this respect, both FLM and enforced chastity are difficult personal challenges for the keyholder/disciplining wife. One way to help lighten the load is to record and celebrate progress. In our case, progress is recorded by how many times I ask her for things I would have just done on my own, how many times she catches me doing something I shouldn’t and punishes me. Each and every one of these events makes the roots of FLM grow deeper. Every time she expresses something she wants or expects, we are moving closer.
For my part, I will share my side of this. I will let you know about changes I notice. I hope Mrs. Lion will do the same. We can’t keep a scorecard, but we can note our progress and backsliding. You can help. Please comment when you detect an unspoken slip. Encouragement and feedback are very very welcome. I hope you will take the time to let us know how we are doing.