Rethinking FLM

Yesterday I wrote about measuring a Female Led Marriage (FLM). Essentially, I was trying to offer ways to know if the transition to FLM is proceeding. That post bothers me for a few reasons: The first reason is that I, the disciplined male, am offering metrics for something that is supposed to take power from me; sort of the cart leading the horse. Also, are we trying to fix something that isn’t broken? After she read my post, Mrs. Lion said that it would be hard for her to make all the changes required. She went on to say she would do it. Then, in her post yesterday she talked about some of the stresses she faces.

It seems to me that I am asking her to bring a domestic discipline fantasy to life. I envisioned how life would be if she were completely in charge. Then, I asked her to make it happen. This isn’t right. I also thought about other FLM relationships I know about. None of them grew up this way. In each case the woman was the functional head of household long before any explicit FLM was discussed. I think that happy relationships organically reach a power balance that works for both people. In many cases, one member or the other does the majority of the decision making. When FLM is explored by a couple where the wife has the leadership role, the implicit power becomes formalized. With the change, her partner gives her the ability to discipline him. Her role is explicit. Even in those cases, adding discipline is difficult for many. For others it’s really unnecessary since the male fully accepts his wife’s role.

In our case, I have had most of the decision-making power. It’s worked for us. I have long wanted to surrender power. Enforced chastity has been a very successful power exchange for us. We like our roles and we are happy with the positive effect it has on our marriage. It doesn’t match my fantasy, but the reality is actually better. I’ve also wanted to be disciplined; not in the play session sense, but as part of behavioral modification. I don’t know why, but it’s something I’ve wanted for a very long time. With our enforced chastity success, I figured we could add FLM and two important improvements would follow: The first is that Mrs. Lion would take on some decision making. She would also learn to express her wants. She would learn to have expectations for things she would like. The second is that I would surrender power and accept discipline when I fail to obey or break a rule. That would satisfy my longstanding need and allow me to be conditioned to behave in ways that please Mrs. Lion.

Both of these objectives seem very positive to me. But is that FLM?  I am not sure. I think that FLM is an end state. It’s what a marriage looks like after the wife has assumed authority and her husband is fully trained. Of course, there is no explicit information about what that end state is. In contrast, enforced chastity’s end state is crystal clear: I wear a chastity device full time. Mrs. Lion provides any sexual stimulation I receive. Her word is law and she can withhold orgasm, play, or teasing at will. We’ve reached that end state and it works for us.

What about FLM? I think we aren’t going to be successful at this, at least in the classic sense. Unless we are much more specific about our expectations, we will feel that we are failing. Since it was my idea in the first place, I would like to suggest how we will know we are succeeding. I hope Mrs. Lion will add her feedback — after all she’s the boss — and we can agree on our brand of FLM.

1. We will continue to divide financial and household responsibilities. Mrs. Lion isn’t expected to take them all on.
2. Lion will ask permission before spending discretionary money, going out, or starting anything around the house.
3. Mrs. Lion is responsible for Lion’s behavior and controls what he does.
4. Mrs. Lion will make behavioral rules to support the above.
5. Mrs. Lion will provide and Lion will accept discipline in any form that Mrs. Lion wishes to administer it.
6. Mrs. Lion will make daily decisions (or approve) things like what to have for dinner, where to go, bedtime, what to watch on TV.
7. She will provide explicit expectations for Lion’s behavior and more importantly for things she wants.
8. As she gets more experience, she will work to be strict about those things she wants from Lion and liberally apply discipline.
9. FLM isn’t expected to cover all aspects of life, just those that work in Mrs. Lion’s opinion.
10. Lion will express his gratitude for Mrs. Lion’s efforts every day.

This may not be FLM in your mind. I think the above is a good start on defining what will work. I expect that later today Mrs. Lion will adjust the rules and, of course, I will accept her changes. The outcome of all this is that I will be a trained, but not tame lion.