In a recent conversation (Thursday morning emails), I reminded Mrs. Lion that it was punishment day and that I owed her for the incomplete spanking on Monday. She replied that she had been thinking that she owed me some swats. Both of us, of course, are correct. We both chuckled about how different are point of views are. The exchange also reminded me how punishment fits into my overall mental health. Many people have written that punishment makes them feel that they have “paid” for their infraction; absolution by pain. Well, I don’t feel guilty about eating a strawberry from my drink before Mrs. Lion had eaten. At boarding school this sort of gaffe would have earned me a dirty look from the table head.
What I do feel is a jolt of excitement. It isn’t anticipation for the spanking. Oh no. I hate that. It’s a feeling of gratitude that Mrs. Lion cares enough to notice when I break a rule. When she pointed out my error, I felt that little jolt. I wasn’t entirely sure why I reacted that way, but on reflection I realize that I was happy she cared enough to enforce her rule. I see her being strict with me as a sign of her love. I understand that others love the feeling of submission that punishment provides. It isn’t like that for me.
Surprisingly, it isn’t the punishment I crave. It’s the structure. The fact that my lioness makes and enforces rules gives me a strong sense of being loved. This isn’t surprising given my past. As a child, I was a latchkey kid. My parents were never very interested in me. They both worked and preferred spending their spare time with other adults, not me. This led to a feeling of abandonment. They sent me to sleep-away camp starting when I was 8. At 13 I was off to boarding school. I’m not saying that this formed my current personality. I was always turned on by power exchange, even as a small boy. But it does, at least partly, explain why domestic discipline works for me.
Domestic discipline is often employed to help correct serious character flaws like cheating or drinking. It is also popular with people who want power exchange but don’t want to be “kinky”. These people generally are male dominant/female submissive couples who rationalize the practice with religion. They maintain the pretense that neither partner enjoys the practice, but must do it in the name of their beliefs. I suspect that even in these cases, domestic discipline is essentially sexual for both partners. Spanking the bare bottom certainly has a sexual component and is the preferred domestic discipline method of correction.
Back to Mrs. Lion and I. It’s undeniable that I get a sexual thrill when told I broke a rule and will be punished. It’s the same feeling I have had since I was a little boy. It’s obviously how I am wired. The spanking itself isn’t sexual to me. If it were, Mrs. Lion would have been rewarding me for bad behavior and she would need to search for other ways to punish me. The turn on is her power over me. The emotional satisfaction comes from the realization that she watches me and cares enough to correct me. It also comes from feeling her willingness to set rules and boundaries for me. That explains why hearing her tell me, “Good job”, or “Good boy” gives me that little zing too.
I know that Mrs. Lion sometimes feels that she is being “mean” to me, or that she is demeaning me when she says “good job”. By nature, she is a very forgiving, accepting woman. Being strict, much less mean, is very unnatural for her. She is beginning to see that when she is strict, I am happier and more interested in sex. What she considers demeaning or humiliating actually feels good to me. Still, we both know it will take a long time for her to feel good about being this way. It will also take time for her to learn how to watch for infractions and enforce them as soon after they occur as she can. When she dials all this up, I may learn that sitting down will be uncomfortable most of the time. A lion can only hope.