In her post yesterday, Mrs. Lion speculated that there must be times I am sorry for what I wished for. She imagines that when I am being teased and extremely close to orgasm that I regret not being able to seal the deal. I’m not sure that I do. The feelings are much more complex than that. For example, when I am allowed an orgasm, I am very happy that Mrs. Lion let me come. It feels wonderful. When she teases me and I know that it isn’t my time, my body wants those few extra strokes that will take me over the top, but my mind doesn’t. On Thursday night when Mrs. Lion held on while I bucked, I stopped myself when I hit the edge. I didn’t want to come then. I have to admit that when I did that, I was confused by my stopping. It took me over a day to finally realize that I had to stop myself. It wasn’t the time Mrs. Lion set. It’s one thing when she goes a bit too far and I have a ruined orgasm, but something completely different when I was in control and could come if I kept bucking. It’s true that she didn’t tell me not to come, but she did say that it wasn’t my day. I would have preferred her saying that I was not to let myself come.
We’ve discussed the idea that I should be able to stop myself from coming even if she continues stimulating me. Well, I discussed it. She was never a fan of that concept. She’s right. I don’t think I could do it and if I managed to learn, the control would pass from her to me. It makes sense that if she lets me buck and there is the possibility that I might get myself off, that she tell me her intention. Of course, she could tell me that if I keep bucking I can go all the way. She still has the option of letting go when I hit the edge. That would be an interesting variation on edging sessions.
She also talked about punishment and maintenance spankings. She is absolutely correct that I hate them. In another way, when she forgets, I do feel unhappy that she did. It is about the power exchange. It’s also about the spankings being a sign of her love. She does the spanking and the teasing because she knows it contributes to my happiness. Yes, I am aware that there is a contradiction here. It’s the same one that applies to edging: I really want that orgasm but getting it too soon can detract from my sense of Mrs. Lion’s control. She’s right that it isn’t the length of my wait that gives me the sense of her control. It is the fact that I know my pleasure is her decision and hers alone. The same is true with discipline. When I understand that discipline is inescapable and will be as severe as she wishes, I feel that thrill of her control. As she learned on Monday, there are times I just want it to stop; but I need it not to stop until she is done. Will I ever be able to stay in place regardless of how much it hurts? I don’t know. Of course, while it is extra work, she has the means to keep me face down until she is done. While I am not sure it’s true, I suspect that living through tied-down very painful spankings is training to hold still without the bondage.
By definition, there will always be times I am unhappy with the result of our power exchange. It’s when Mrs. Lion says I am being a toddler. Of course after waiting many days I want to come. Naturally, I hate feeling my bottom burning like fire. I am sure I will be very unhappy when I am spanked so much that sitting becomes painful. But as anyone who has been a bottom knows, the painful aftereffect of a spanking like that feels good because it is tangible evidence of a successful power exchange. I guess feeling the frustration of wanting to come but being stopped just before getting to the promised land is also graphic proof that I am not in control. There are times I am sorry I wished for all this, but they don’t last long.