Month: September 2015

I have a very horny Lion. It was difficult for me not to give him an orgasm last night. He wanted to come. I wanted him to come. It should have been a no-brainer, right? In a “normal” relationship it would have been. But in a chastity relationship things are muddier. Yes, it’s a female led relationship too. So the female should always have the final say. Yes and no.

Remember, I have the angel and the devil sitting on my shoulders. The angel says, “Take pity on him. He deserves an orgasm and you want him to have it.” The devil says, “He asked for it. He wanted you to deny him. Don’t ever give him an orgasm again.” In the past, the angel has won the argument more often than not. I know Lion isn’t disappointed when he gets an orgasm, but I still wonder, if he’s geared up for a long wait and I cut it short, does it bother him that he didn’t wait? You know, if you’re struggling to do something and you know you can do it, it’s just taking longer, and then someone comes along and “helps” you. Don’t you sometimes feel like crying foul? You could have done it. You’re sure you could have. But now you’ll never know. You’re glad it’s done and happy for the help, but dammit you know you could have done it. Or maybe Lion doesn’t care. Maybe he’s prepared for the longer wait if I decide to make him wait, but if I don’t then he does his little happy dance and has an orgasm. Done deal.

This is nothing new. I’ve gone through this before. And then I entered a period of time when I could wait, whether he wanted to or not. And now I guess I’m back in the cycle of wanting to make him come when I want him to come and I don’t care what the calendar says. I still have enough willpower to make him wait a few days. Maybe even four or five. I just have my moments of weakness when it comes to, well, coming. His coming in particular.

Some nights it’s not bad. Maybe he’s not as horny. I just edge him and we’re fine. Other nights, it seems like a stiff breeze across his stiff weenie will take him over the top. That’s when I want to give in. That’s when he wishes I would give in. That’s also when the angel and the devil appear. Who will win tonight?

Mrs. Lion’s post yesterday really got me thinking. She proposed taking over our finances and putting me on an allowance. She also noted that she could punish me by temporarily reducing my allowance. When we exchanged email a bit later, she clarified that she wants to be more aware of the finances, not take them over. But this conversation exposed an issue that has bothered me for some time.

We maintain separate checking accounts. The main reason for doing this is to insulate each other from any action that might be taken against one of us. It may be paranoia, but we both felt it made sense. This plan has a serious drawback. If Mrs. Lion gets low on money she almost never lets me know, much less asks me to give her some from my account. She will go without or let the fuel in her truck run very low until her next pay check. When I was working, this made no sense. I may not have thousands in my checking account but I almost always had enough to share.

One of the barriers I hope that our FLM and enforced chastity will break down is this reluctance to tell me that she needs something, money included. There is a big difference in our earnings and I am much more likely to have money at any given moment. It’s money that is hers as well as mine. So, when she suggested that she might want to take over the finances, it might be a way to get her to use our combined pool of cash for her needs instead of just her paycheck. In fact, she doesn’t want to handle all the bills; she just wants to be more aware of what comes in and goes out. That’s fine. One of the bad things about separate accounts is that I can’t get Mrs. Lion a debit card on my account. They will only issue one to me. Even if she could have one, I know she is unwilling to use anything that she considers mine unless it is an extreme emergency. So even if we have a joint account, chances are good she wouldn’t spend a dime that wasn’t absolutely necessary.

Another suggestion she made was that I should have an allowance. That idea, at first blush, was extremely unappealing to me. I am used to spending money as I see fit. Since I have more earning power (when I work), I have just used money for things I want. That’s unfair. Why should I have disposable income and my lioness feel poor? This has bothered me as long as we have been together. She doesn’t ask for things for herself and works hard to have no expectations. I haven’t been able to help her change that. Also, docking my allowance for bad behavior is certainly an effective punishment.

It may be that she will always be this way. But my side of the equation has been much too unbalanced. If she decides to control my personal money, we might move toward a more equal approach to spending. I don’t want to give the impression that I just go out and buy anything I want. If the purchase is large, we talk it over and make a decision. I can’t remember when Mrs. Lion ever said no. That is something I hope FLM will change.

So, if I go on an allowance I can spend for anything I want, but is expected to cover some basic personal expenses, Mrs. Lion has direct financial control over my discretionary spending. If she requires me to get permission to buy anything that my allowance doesn’t cover, she will have to consider what I get. The one thing I can’t change is her unwillingness to take money from “my” account for her needs as well as feeling free to get things for herself. Perhaps we can agree that she will discuss anything she might want for herself. I can encourage her to go ahead and get it.

We need more financial communication. I need control over discretionary spending and Mrs. Lion needs to consider the money I earn as available to her at all times. I think it is interesting that in a mundane area like family expenses, FLM properly applied, can help our communication as well as our finances.

We found Lion’s phone in a fairly obvious place after looking in obvious and absolutely non-obvious places. Finding it meant Lion did not have any punishment for last night. It did seem like he wanted me to punish him, though. He said he put me through a lot looking for it. I know he wants me to crack down, but I told him he would be punished only if we couldn’t find it. I wasn’t going to change my mind no matter how many bags of garbage we sorted through.

We also discussed our finances last night. For a while I’ve wanted to be more involved. Lion took that to mean I want to pay all the bills now. Well, that’s not what I meant at all. I just want to see what comes in and goes out. Since we have separate checking accounts, he rarely knows what I’m paying and I rarely know what he’s paying. He did accuse me of not contributing a lot to the household finances. I reminded him that I’ve been paying some of the bigger bills and buying food during his unemployment. I know he’s still looking at a stack of past due bills, but I thought that was an unfair characterization of my contributions. He agreed. Tensions are obviously still high in the Lion’s den when it comes to money.

On the other hand, if I did take over the finances, I could give him an allowance. He couldn’t go off and buy whatever he wanted if he didn’t have the money. Bigger ticket items would have to be discussed. We’ve started doing that already, but I could rule with an iron fist if I had control of the finances. Did you hear that? Lion just gulped. Uh oh. In yet another be-careful-what-you-ask-for move, Lion may have gone a little too far this time. He might have to fill out a form in triplicate if he exceeds his allowance. The request would go to the committee of Me, Myself, and I. We’re a tough group when we want to be. Poor Lion.

For now, I’ll just keep an eye on things and pay attention to the comings and goings of our money. I’m not sure how he’d react to an allowance. It’s definitely an idea he’d have to get used to. It would also take time to establish how much of an allowance he’d need. Of course, it would be just one more area I’d have control over him. Did he piss me off? I think that might have cost him $20. Docking his pay for bad behavior would certainly get his attention.

As he says, it’s just an idea.

Sometimes I get confused with the distinctions between enforced chastity, domestic discipline, and FLM. All three refer to a power exchange. Enforced chastity points to sexual submission. In the strictest sense, it only covers control of male arousal and orgasm. No other control is implied. However, in many cases the power exchange goes further. It can extend to providing sexual pleasure for the keyholder. The male’s eventual release can depend on how well and how often he provides his partner with orgasms. In other cases release depends on obedience and behavior. I think we can agree that in enforced chastity, many couples make eventual release dependent on other things the male is expected to do to earn his orgasm. So I will suggest that even if there are behavioral rules beyond just withholding orgasm, enforced chastity still applies as long as the punishments and rewards are done using the delay or advance of the male’s orgasm.

Of course it’s rarely this simple. From the beginning when Mrs. Lion and I started enforced chastity, it included surrender of my sexual pleasure as well as rules that are enforced with spanking or other forms of punishment. I think in our case we were practicing a combination of enforced chastity and domestic discipline. Is this important? Not at first, but now that we have expanded our power exchange we may need to more carefully consider these definitions. We decided, well actually I requested, that we expand to a Female Led Marriage as a way of expanding my surrender. We took this to mean that Mrs. Lion would make many of the decisions I made alone or we made as a couple. I think this is a fair description of FLM. I don’t think there is any implied discipline in FLM, just control of the marriage.

That leaves domestic discipline. My take on it is that in addition to being in charge, the disciplining spouse (in my case Mrs. Lion) uses punishment to assert power. The nature of the punishments varies widely, but all are not “funishments”; they are real, unpleasant retribution for displeasing the disciplining spouse. This sounds like a variant of FLM. The fact is that the widest use of domestic discipline is in the context of a male-led marriage. Some religious groups consider old fashioned male run households with domestic discipline for erring wives a requirement. Domestic discipline originated as a way for these groups to refer to punishing wives to keep them in line. Of course, in our case, domestic discipline refers to keeping males in line. The religious groups don’t need a term for a male-led marriage; it’s the only kind they accept. Female led marriages are unusual enough to require us a way to distinguish them from the norm.

I think, as usual on the Internet, defining labels causes a lot of trouble. People tend to get very emotional over their definitions. I’m not trying to change anyone’s impression of what these things are. In our case, we agreed to FLM with domestic discipline If we go by the male-led use of the term, I think a Female Led Marriage is a required precondition for domestic discipline. The reason I went through all this is because it’s clear that our version of FLM is not typical. At least at present I still make financial decisions and Mrs. Lion relies on me to make a lot of day-to-day decisions as well. This is comfortable for us both. Should she make an effort to take this over? In a classic FLM, the wife would make the vast majority of the decisions. Well, we’re not classic. So what! However, then we have to define the boundaries of what we are doing.

At present, Mrs. Lion has some rules that I must obey. I have to wait for her to eat before I can. I am not supposed to interrupt her, and if there are others they don’t come to mind now. She is reluctant to punish me if I just annoy her. Occasionally she does, but only after thinking about it a long time and writing a post mentioning it. I understand that she is concerned about over reacting or letting her anger run away with her. I don’t think that is a real problem. I think it would be better for both of us if she overdoes the punishing for a while. I think she needs to get comfortable that she is entitled to get her own way and that if I upset her for any reason, it should be pointed out to me in a painful way. I think it is the only way we will both learn. I also think I should be asking for permission more. The only way I will learn that is for her to redden my butt when I act independently…at least for a while.

I realize that I don’t have any serious behavioral problems. I am a responsible adult with no addictions or dangerous bad habits. That’s not the point. I do things that bother my lioness. She is way too slow to let me know when I do one of them. I’ve thought about this for a while. I believe that by being much more strict and prescriptive Mrs. Lion will further increase our closeness. Every overlooked issue puts distance between us. I realize that I will not be happy when I get those painful punishments. I also understand that this is a behavioral change for Mrs. Lion that won’t be easy or comfortable at first. I just think that to get centered we need to over correct in the direction of strict discipline even for small things in order to find the center that will make us both happier.

Top