I Blew It

I dropped the ball last night. It wasn’t intentional. I don’t even know what happened. Lion says I was buried in my iPad. I was playing, but I was as responsive as I usually am. In one of our email exchanges I said we’d play. On the way home I was thinking about the days getting shorter and winter setting in, and how nice it is to snuggle with Lion in the yucky weather. When I got home he said his shoulder hurt but he was okay for non-shoulder activities. Based on his wincing from time to time, I guess I got it into my head that he was hurting more than he was letting on. I was conflicted about playing.

I had his key out and I even brought the vibrator out. We watched football and then some other shows. The entire time I was wrestling with his being hurt and whether we should play. He kept saying he was fine. The problem is that he really wanted to play. And I was waffling. And I waffled so much that he thought I am losing interest in him. I am not losing interest. I am indecisive. And I am inconsistent. I should have told Lion about the voices in my head arguing about whether to play or not. He would have ended the debate quickly. Or, I should not have said we’d play. I guess I didn’t realize how much he relies on that.

He always apologizes to me when I try to play with him and he’s not in the mood. I just roll with it. Stuff happens. Sometimes things work out, sometimes they don’t. If not tonight, then tomorrow. No big deal. But it is a big deal to Lion. He gets his hopes up. That’s not to say that I can’t walk through the door with a raging headache and tell him the plans have changed. He would understand that. But I have to tell him the plans have changed. Yes, if I walked through the door and said I had a headache, he would probably assume the plans had changed. Last night I did not have a headache. There was no outward appearance that things had changed. I needed to specifically tell him what was going on. He can’t read my mind anymore than I can read his. That’s probably a good thing for both of us. But it means I have to be concise.

The last thing I want to do is disappoint Lion. He means everything to me. Tonight we’ll play. I don’t care what I feel like. If Lion is feeling okay, we’re playing. I can’t let him down two nights in a row.

What do you think?