I had to let Lion in on a little secret. I know there’s theatrics involved in playing. That’s why he thinks I like doing it. From time to time he says he’s sure I like spanking him because I do it so well. He’s sure I’m starting to like being in charge because I’m getting better at it. I must feel power from having him locked up. And occasionally he asks me, point blank, if I like something.
To me, there’s a difference between being in the middle of a “scene” and playing a part, and being in the middle of a general conversation and answering a question. The truth is that I do like making his butt red because it makes him happy. The truth is also that I can take it or leave it. So when he asks me if I like spanking him it depends on the moment. Am I trying to turn him on? Then yes. Are we eating dinner? Then not so much. But here’s the thing, it turns out that when Lion asks me those questions out of the blue, he may be feeling like he’s taking advantage of me and forcing me to do things I don’t want to do. In that moment, he needs me to tell him I love doing it. He needs reassurance. So my not-playing-right-now honesty is not what he’s looking for.
At first he got a funny look on his face when I asked him if this was the one time it would be okay to lie to him. Then he said it would. I have permission to lie to my Lion. Well, it’s not really lying. I do love doing those things to make him happy. I just wouldn’t do them on my own. He’s not forcing me or taking advantage of me. I don’t want to be evasive and say that I love him so, by extension, I love doing those things. So from now on I will tell him what he needs to hear.
I do promise, however, that if I ever stop wanting to do them, I will tell him. I will not actually, really lie to him. That may sound like splitting hairs, but I want Lion to be happy and if I can do that without making myself unhappy then I will. If I ever start to feel unhappy about it then there’s a problem and we need to discuss it. Does this mean I am cured of feeling like I’m not doing enough for him? Absolutely not. I will still have doubts. That’s just who I am. But I don’t want Lion to have doubts.