Interest

Yesterday I was going to write a post in support of Lion’s post. Then I thought, no, people will see how difficult it is for someone to admit to being depressed. They will see how difficult it is for a man to admit to crying. They’ll think he’s as brave as I do. Surely no one will cut him down for “only” being depressed because of our situation. Once again, I was wrong.

I can’t figure out how admitting to being depressed does anything to take away from another person being depressed. If anything, Thumper’s posts gave Lion the strength he needed to talk about it. It didn’t diminish Thumper’s struggle. When Robin Williams committed suicide, how many people were able to get the help they needed because of the realization that they were not alone? Did that detract from Robin Williams’ depression? Absolutely not. I’ll continue to think that Lion and Thumper are strong people for sharing their feelings. It’s important to remember that everyone is struggling with something and there should be no stigma attached regardless of how real you believe their struggle to be.

Okay. I’m off my soapbox. Now onto Lion’s post from this morning. To me, it falls into the “I can’t win” category. Have we been playing every night? For a while, yes. I missed a few nights along the way, but I picked things back up. Some months back he said I just unlock him and start right in. I didn’t have any lead up. So I started with a lead up. I don’t just yank on him right off the bat. I spoke about having him bring me the key the other night, hoping it added some fanfare. Apparently Lion needs a floor show.

I do understand the lack of follow through with the anal play. I’m terrible with that. Very inconsistent. I try not to over promise anymore. I almost made a big deal about his birthday orgasm, then I realized that I’ll be cooking all day, and he’ll have a big meal, and I have no idea how either of us will feel. Full stomachs have a way of quashing elaborate sex plans. I’ll keep my plans to myself until I see what we’re ready for.

After I read his post last night, I said I wasn’t sure where to go from there. Any activity at that point might seem like he had influenced me. I wasn’t even sure if he wanted to play. But if I didn’t play with him that would be wrong too. He told me to get interested again. Strange. I thought I was interested. I thought we’ve been playing. Every night. As promised. I thought I was not just yanking on him. I thought I was changing things up a little each night. It’s true that I play on my iPad while I watch TV. Lion does too, to a lesser extent. When I think it’s time to play, I take out the key and we play. I decide. Yes, I have taken into account that 10 is too late and that 9 is a better time, but we play any time after we’re settled in. I’ve made sure we don’t always play at 9 because that would be the same as playing at 10 every night and Lion didn’t like that because it felt scheduled.

Ironically, when Lion accuses (strong word, go with it for a minute, Lion) me of being disinterested, I then become disinterested because I think I’ve been doing what he wants and where do I go from there? The logical thing is to start promising that I will do better. But was I doing worse leading up to that point? Not worse. Just not as much fanfare. I wasn’t selling it. So now do I continue the way things are, when I thought I was interested, or do I sell it to seem more interested? Or do we quit? That was Lion’s suggestion last night. All or nothing. [Lion – I don’t think it is something Mrs. Lion is failing. It has to do with my own insecurity. I’m not sure she needs to change anything. Maybe we just need to talk about enforced chastity and FLM more. It feels to me like it is less integrated into our lives than it used to be. Of course, that could be my low self image talking.]

Well, I can’t do all. I am inconsistent. I won’t suddenly change into an overbearing, find-all-the-mistakes, dominatrix. And I don’t want to do nothing. I want Lion to have what he wants even if I can’t give him all he wants. There has to be a compromise. If I know us, we’ll find it.