Our posts lately have been less on “action” and more on emotions. I hope I’m not disappointing our readers who look to us for a daily sexual charge. Mrs. Lion and I are coming to realize that lifestyle changes like incorporating enforced chastity and FLM are much more complex than they seem. They also magnify issues that have been around long before we decided to do this stuff.
Take promises. Mrs. Lion is very careful about telling me what will happen next. This comes from a long history of her sometimes forgetting what she said she would do and me reacting badly. Many of her posts allude to this. When this happens, she feels badly for disappointing me and her self image takes a hit because she believes she failed. Invariably, when this sort of thing happens she doesn’t talk about it, and what started as a small omission becomes a silent wall between us.
A lot of this is my fault. I take promises, especially sexual ones, very seriously. When they aren’t fulfilled and nothing is mentioned I have a childish feeling of disappointment like I was forgotten and that I will never get what I want. Those feelings come from my childhood and a very deep fear of rejection. Mrs. Lion knows this and tries very hard not to disappoint me. Sometimes she does. It’s inevitable. Two people with busy lives and the pressures of coping with work, not enough sleep, and money conspire to make it very hard to always fulfill promises.
I’ve thought a lot about this. I think there is a relatively simple solution. It’s simple but it does fly in the face of our deeply embedded patterns. When I thought about that underlying fear of abandonment, I realized that my trigger isn’t that I don’t get what I was promised. It’s that the promise itself seems to have been forgotten.
For example, if Mrs. Lion says that next weekend I will be tied in the sling and we will play, I am very happy. When the weekend rolls around and the play doesn’t come and Mrs. Lion doesn’t even mention that was her original plan, that triggers all the negative feelings. Of course she sees that I am down and when she remembers that she didn’t follow through on her promise, she feels like she failed me.
We both end up unhappy. The actual problem that caused the problem wasn’t that we didn’t play. It was that there was a promise to play that wasn’t just unfulfilled, but apparently forgotten. My reaction was to being so unimportant that the promise just disappeared. Mrs. Lion’s was to feel she failed me because she didn’t do what she promised. As a result, Mrs. Lion is very careful to only promise what she knows she can do. And I expect her to forget the promises she does make.
I think the way to fix this is for us to talk more. Mrs. Lion should make lots of “predictions” of what will be happening to me. She shouldn’t worry about making them all happen. Instead, she should talk about them. For example, “This weekend I’m tying you into the sling for alesson.” She might say that on Wednesday. On Friday, she could say, “Are you ready for your weekend pegging?” This serves more to remind her of her prediction. It also raises my anticipation. Let’s say we spent Saturday running errands and came home tired. She could say, “Your pegging lesson is still on my calendar.” That would let me know she remembers. On Sunday, the stars aren’t in alignment and the sling goes unused. During the day she might say, “We may not get to the sling today. But I haven’t forgotten and your butt will be mine soon enough.”
We didn’t do the promised play. I might be a tad disappointed, but I also know I wasn’t forgotten and that I will get to that sling. Obviously, Mrs. Lion shouldn’t make promises she knows she can’t keep, but as long as the conversation goes on, I won’t feel forgotten. Also, it’s really hot for me (and her too, I think) when she has dominant talks with me. Reminding me of my caged status, my inability to get hard, my need to be a good, obedient boy, all reinforce the power exchange in a very positive way. Talking is almost as good as doing. Let’s say that on my birthday we are too stuffed for the scheduled play and orgasm. A nice conversation about what will happen to me the next day since we had to delay the orgasm, is a treat all by itself. I love it. I think she will too. She won’t feel like a failure. She will feel her power and see I am loving it. Sometimes delaying that orgasm a few days just to make sure I want it enough is also a good, low energy way to keep things very hot. It’s a way to arouse me, frustrate me, and reinforce her role.
OK, this looks good on paper, but what if it is hard for her to remember what she had told me. Here’s a top trick from my professional play book: make a note of what you said and when you said it would happen. Subtly refer to that list so you can make reminders, cancellations, postponements, and action when you want to. The trick isn’t to do everything you say you will when you said it will happen. It’s to remember what you promised and provide messaging on a very regular basis about your plans and changes in them. Mrs. Lion is a fantastic cock tease. This is the mental equivalent.