Every once in a while (ok, it’s more like all the time) I have a moral crisis when I think about things Lion wants me to do to him. I’m not saying that kinky people have no morals. I’m saying I was raised to be nice to people and being mean to Lion bothers me sometimes more than others. I know he wants me to whomp his butt. I know he wants me to punish him. I know he wants me to deny him orgasms. I know he wants me to be in charge and tell him what to do. (No, the last one isn’t really about being nice.) I would rather give him orgasms and snuggle with him. Ironically, when I stopped giving him orgasms before we started chastity, I was really being mean to him. Go figure.
This morning Lion thanked me for his orgasm last night. He said he had a lot of fun. I want him to have fun. How much fun can he have when I’m whomping on his butt? How much fun can he have when he has to wait for me to eat first and I’m not paying any attention to him sitting there staring at me so he makes sure he doesn’t eat first without permission? For reasons that are completely foreign to me, Lion can have fun doing those things. He wants me to be in charge. He wants me to punish him. He wants me to frustrate him and deny orgasms. While I’m having my “WTF am I doing?” thoughts, he’s hoping I don’t forget the maintenance swats tonight. While I’m thinking this is nuts, he’s hoping I edge him into a Lion puddle tonight. I don’t get it.
But I don’t have to get it. I just have to put on my top hat and do it. Because this is what makes him happy. This is what floats his boat. This is what he considers fun. I have to remember that. I have to realize that, when I’m whomping him or being in charge, I’m not who I am. It’s a character. It’s a persona. I’m not really mean. When the dog does something wrong we blame it on the imaginary cat or on another imaginary dog we’ve named Buttercup because our good dog couldn’t possibly have done that bad thing. My alter ego is Mrs. Lion. She does all the bad things to Lion. I need to keep reminding myself of that.