Alter Ego

Every once in a while (ok, it’s more like all the time) I have a moral crisis when I think about things Lion wants me to do to him. I’m not saying that kinky people have no morals. I’m saying I was raised to be nice to people and being mean to Lion bothers me sometimes more than others. I know he wants me to whomp his butt. I know he wants me to punish him. I know he wants me to deny him orgasms. I know he wants me to be in charge and tell him what to do. (No, the last one isn’t really about being nice.) I would rather give him orgasms and snuggle with him. Ironically, when I stopped giving him orgasms before we started chastity, I was really being mean to him. Go figure.

This morning Lion thanked me for his orgasm last night. He said he had a lot of fun. I want him to have fun. How much fun can he have when I’m whomping on his butt? How much fun can he have when he has to wait for me to eat first and I’m not paying any attention to him sitting there staring at me so he makes sure he doesn’t eat first without permission? For reasons that are completely foreign to me, Lion can have fun doing those things. He wants me to be in charge. He wants me to punish him. He wants me to frustrate him and deny orgasms. While I’m having my “WTF am I doing?” thoughts, he’s hoping I don’t forget the maintenance swats tonight. While I’m thinking this is nuts, he’s hoping I edge him into a Lion puddle tonight. I don’t get it.

But I don’t have to get it. I just have to put on my top hat and do it. Because this is what makes him happy. This is what floats his boat. This is what he considers fun. I have to remember that. I have to realize that, when I’m whomping him or being in charge, I’m not who I am. It’s a character. It’s a persona. I’m not really mean. When the dog does something wrong we blame it on the imaginary cat or on another imaginary dog we’ve named Buttercup because our good dog couldn’t possibly have done that bad thing. My alter ego is Mrs. Lion. She does all the bad things to Lion. I need to keep reminding myself of that.

4 comments on “Alter Ego
  1. Seeking says:

    All I can say is, “Wow, it seems the naked truth emerges.” I thought the idea was that the Lioness would enjoy the role and the benefits rather than just tolerating the fantasy.

  2. A reader says:

    this post makes me sad for you lioness. Even if your libido is suffering at the moment, you shouldn’t have do do things that you don’t like. It’s one thing to try to please him, it’s another to have to swallow your own feeling of morality for his pleasure. I don’t think what he’s asking for is immoral, but pushing these expectations on you when he knows they bother you is immoral.

    Please don’t lose yourself in theprocess of pleasing him. My wife isn’t kinky and I have accepted that. I wish we could play more, but we only go to her limits. That’s the way it should be. By pushing you into,things that make you feel immoral lion is really disrespecting you and that not cool.

    Good luck.

    • Mrs Lion says:

      Lion doesn’t make me feel immoral. I am by no means a prim and proper person. I never meant it in the same vain of his asking me to commit murder. He’s asking me to do something that’s difficult for me to do. As far as not liking to do it is concerned, I don’t like to clean, should I stop doing that too? My point was that there are some days I sit back and wonder what I’m doing. I do that at work too. I think most people have thoughts like that. It’s good to be introspective from time to time.

      Thank you for your concern, but there’s absolutely no need to feel sad for me. Lion is the love of my life. I’m happy.

  3. mrbill says:

    Very enlightening post. I know my wife finds it very difficult to “hurt” me when I am just wishing she would whip my ass and torture my parts. As a mother and nurse it is totally contrary for her to intentionally cause pain to someone. She does it for me because she knows I enjoy it and she wants to please me.
    So as Seeking says, she tolerates the fantasy. I think that many of us submissives wish that our dommes would enjoy it too.
    I do think that your concept of playing the role is a great way of overcoming some of those self imposed barriers. “This is not me doing this, it’s Mrs. ___.”
    Once again, great post and thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this.

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