Yesterday, my post gave me a chance to whine a bit about the lack of two-way conversation between the Lions and our readers. In response I got some wonderful comments. I know that not everyone follows comments. So, I’d like to share some excerpts that I found particularly instructive.
Jake wrote a very interesting and helpful comment. One thing he said really hit home:
“When I complain that the people in my life are seemingly ignoring me, my wife tells me, “Jake, it’s probably worse than you thought; it has nothing to do with you,” and nine times out of ten she is right. People are usually just in their own world.”
Point taken, Jake. Mark offered this observation:
“…sometimes one would write up a particularly great post, but it would receive no replies at all. Sometimes it was great, but in an area that no one was actively pursuing at the moment; sometimes, it was so good that there was nothing left to say. Regardless, this phenomenon became known as the “Usenet nod”, named for the image of peoples’ heads nodding in agreement behind their (then CRT) monitors, but not actually typing anything.”
Mark, then what I should do is imagine our readers nodding their heads in agreement. Actually, that did cross my mind when I started writing the post yesterday, but it’s hard for me to accept. In favor of your point, the average visitor to this blog spends at least five minutes here. That number is actually low. When I look at the logs (no, they don’t reveal anything about who is visiting, just what pages are being read) I see that most of our readers spend a lot more time with us. I know that supports your point, Mark, but I love hearing from our readers even when they tell me I am full of shit.
DWP gave us some good feelings:
“I read your blog almost every day. I really like that both of you write – it is interesting and enlightening to hear both of your perspectives. I feel like I am similar to you, but although we have dabbled, my wife finally decided that she just is not interested in any of the “kink” that is found in FLR, chastity, or DD. Thus, I enjoy both of your blogs, both for “fantasy” aspect and for the enjoyment of seeing the communications and interplay between two people who obviously love and care for each other very much.”
I like that reading our blog can supply some fantasy fodder. Both Mrs. Lion and I are very happy that our love does show through the enforced chastity and FLM talk. The “slice of life” aspect of our posts was never contrived to draw people into our lives. The fact is that neither of us seem able to not include stuff about the trials and joys of our relationship. We are aware that we do this and for a while, we both worried that we were drifting way off topic and annoying our readers. Every so often we get feedback that tells us people like that we live our lives in our posts. We’ve both come to like sharing with you. We also keep learning new things about each other from our posts. I think that the reason I get upset when I don’t hear from our readers is that I think of you as a friend; someone I can share with.
Yesterday we got some great comments. Both of us loved reading them and hope for many more. By the way, if you wonder why one of us doesn’t always respond to comments is because if we did, half of the comments would be from us. Your voice is the one we want to hear in the comments. Thank you for being our friend.
Generally, my perspective on comments is this: If I find something you (or anyone) has written to be worthy of commentary, it’s because I’m interested in you/your writing/your experience and wish to invite a conversation. Unanswered comments and/or defensiveness/un-open responses will prevent me from bothering in the future. Relationships are built through conversation in this kind of forum. Where better to start a conversation on a blog than via comments?
Also, with your blog specifically… Yes, you “talk” about topics that may be of general interest, BUT this blog is a communication tool between you and your missus. While reading those communications can be interesting, the inherent structure here is private in nature. You and your wife are talking to each other a lot in this space; therefore, as a reader/listener, I am inclined to treat your writings as overheard snippets – eavesdropping, if you will – as opposed to open community dialogue.
My two cents.
Thanks for your very interesting perspective. We never considered that what we write here is an essentially private conversation. Our intention is to show both sides of our evolving power exchange. My hope, at least, is that people who find what we write interesting and maybe useful would contribute their thoughts as well. Mrs. Lion and I exchange numerous emails each day covering all sorts of domestic issues. We want to share what we post here. When she posts, I consider myself as one more interested reader. It’s true that what she writes about often happens to me and her post is the first I hear of it. But that doesn’t mean what she wrote was intended for my eyes. I suspect many times she would prefer I not read it.
We truly don’t mean to be exclusionary. We write here because we want to share. We both feel that by sharing what we are doing, rather than generalizing, is more honest. Maybe we would be more inclusive if we don’t respond to each others posts. You bring up a point I have never considered before. We want to be inclusive and accessible. What can we do to improve?
If your goal here is to show both sides, I think, to a degree, you are doing that. Moreso though, you are demonstrating a specific type of two-way communication and how a blog can be used as a medium; other couples may look on the back-and-forth and say, “Ohh…” And men who are seeking a non-coercive outlet for expressing their needs/wants/desires likely are very interested in the How and What of the content here.
Opening a dialogue with audience members is not always easy. Asking questions is not a guarantee you’ll get responses. Responding to comments with thoughtfulness and genuine interest, without being defensive, is going to foster a “safe” environment for your audience. Keeping an awareness of open vs closed language is often all it takes.
I don’t have any specific advice, but I will say that this is the most ‘inviting’ response I’ve gotten from you since I’ve been reading here. Sometimes it’s just a matter of shifting perspective. 🙂
I’ve been doing some soul searching about just why I found it so sad that we weren’t getting many comments. It’s irrational really. After all, this is a blog and not a forum. Theoretically, comments aren’t necessary at all. Yet, I see other blogs with tons of interesting comments and I wonder why we don’t provoke that sort of response. Since we know empirically how many people visit and how much time they spend here, we know people read what we write. I may be jealous of the interactivity others provoke.
You’re right that it may just be the way we say things. It may also be that in the context of what we discuss, we aren’t provoking strong objections or appearing to invite comments that agree and share other experiences. Since your original comment, I did some more reading. It seems to me that you are right in that we do seem to have a “closed” system in that we state and solve our own problems. We do that, of course, because we can’t put our lives on hold pending some injected wisdom. But that doesn’t mean we don’t want ideas and suggestions about how to improve what we are exploring. It may be my writing style that puts some people off.
I totally agree that the tone of responses either invites or repels comments. I truly don’t want to be defensive. I love to learn from others. I am still trying to process exactly how to use “open” language. If you have time, can you give a couple of examples?
Thanks for taking the time to respond.
Open and closed language… Think: the written equivalent of body language. Are your virtual arms open and relaxed, your metaphorical facial expression inviting, your “eyes” alert and curious? Or are your feet braced apart, arms crossed, head tilted back, eyebrows raised?
Saying, “I never thought of it from that perspective” is different than saying, “No, that’s not it.” Perhaps you don’t agree-with/embrace an idea that’s been presented, but one response is ‘open’ while the other completely closes out the conversant.
Does that make sense?
Sharing experiences via response commentary can likewise be ‘open’ dialogue. Let’s say you wrote a post about a club experience, and I commented with a question along the lines of “Have you ever tried the spanking benches at Club Sexy Blah Blah?”
Saying, “I once visited that club, and it was not what I expected,” then proceeding to briefly explain your perceptions, using examples or ‘because’ statements or sharing a few details as to your preferences, etc… That’s open. Simply saying “I didn’t like that place” and leaving it at that, closes all doors to exploratory discussion.
Does that make the open/closed concept any more clear…?
And to address the question of writing style: You and Mrs Lion have very different styles. You are also more involved in the blog (my opinion, based on the observations that you write longer posts, you are the only one who responds to outside comments (that I’ve seen), you follow and engage in conversation on other blogs, etc) than Mrs Lion, and that skew makes me reluctant to converse much here. Which is not your issue; it’s mine. It *is* something I take into consideration though, and other readers may as well, even if only subconsciously. 🙂
I’ll keep my eyes open for “closed” writing. I like to learn what others have to say. In terms of Mrs. Lion’s commitment to the blog and its effect on comments, I think she is very committed to what we are doing. She has a different writing style. The vast majority of comments are in response to her posts. She doesn’t respond to many of these because she doesn’t have a lot of time and because many addressed to her are more statements than questions.She reads some other blogs, but isn’t the commenting sort of person. She’s like a lot of our readers. 🙂