Things have been generally out of wack lately. My eye infection (a corneal ulcer) is going to scar. Since the ulcer is very large, there is a reasonable chance that the scar will eventually cause astigmatism as it distorts my cornea. The cheerless ophthalmologist who saw me yesterday said that one of her patients didnít have a problem for nearly three years and then needed a corneal transplant. A lion always needs something to look forward to. Not!
I havenít been very interested in anything sexual for most of the week. Part of this is the stress of trying to see with one eye dilated all the time. I donít really know whatís going on sexually. I just donít feel very interested. Last night Mrs. Lion changed my mind. The combination of her mouth and the Magic Wand† brought me to an amazing orgasm; all this despite starting the evening not interested in sex at all.
In her post yesterday, Mrs. Lion said that she worries I think we wonít play anymore if we allow life to intrude too often. Sheís right. Iím not necessarily worried that she will just stay buried in her iPad and not come up for air or lion play. Iím also worried I will stop wanting it. Thatís what happened in the past. It wasnít just Mrs. Lion showing no interest. It was also me not even trying until I was desperate. Even then I was very uncomfortable asking for relief.
Sheís right that I think of this as my kink that she indulges out of love for me. That lack of skin in the game could make it painless for her to just let it die out. My current lack of interest also makes it painless to allow that to happen. This isnít a new feeling on my part. Itís hard for me to be comfortable as long as there isnít anything in all this for her. I feel guilty and I worry about her wanting to continue. I donít expect her to get turned on by the power she has over me. Thatís certainly not going to happen. I canít expect her to love that she can make me do things. She clearly doesnít care about having power. So here we are after almost two years with my kink depending on the kindness of my lioness. Thatís not a bad thing. Itís been working well. But it doesnít give me a great feeling of security.
The best way I can explain my feelings about this is that I am the designer of everything we do. It isnít that Mrs. Lion hasnít come up with stuff on her own. She certainly has. Itís that because her investment is based on doing what I asked, she doesnít have a plan for me. I may have this completely wrong, but in my mind, the only way she can be invested in enforced chastity and domestic discipline is to have goals that she can achieve. When she reaches them, hopefully she will feel the satisfaction of a job well done.
Does this make any sense at all? Is it just my natural pessimism and angst over my vision speaking? I looked back over my past posts and this isnít the first time Iíve expressed this concern. More communication is surely necessary. Action is also required as well. I would feel much better if plans were made and announced and then executed. I donít want to pressure Mrs. Lion. Plans donít have to be very big. In fact, a one week plan of any kind would light me up again. Maybe something anal that doesnít require me to feel aroused? Maybe one that postpones my orgasm until it is achieved? That idea appeals to me. Baby steps, Mrs. Lion. They will help me a lot.