Losing Touch

Things have been generally out of wack lately. My eye infection (a corneal ulcer) is going to scar. Since the ulcer is very large, there is a reasonable chance that the scar will eventually cause astigmatism as it distorts my cornea. The cheerless ophthalmologist who saw me yesterday said that one of her patients didn’t have a problem for nearly three years and then needed a corneal transplant. A lion always needs something to look forward to. Not!

I haven’t been very interested in anything sexual for most of the week. Part of this is the stress of trying to see with one eye dilated all the time. I don’t really know what’s going on sexually. I just don’t feel very interested. Last night Mrs. Lion changed my mind. The combination of her mouth and the Magic Wand  brought me to an amazing orgasm; all this despite starting the evening not interested in sex at all.

In her post yesterday, Mrs. Lion said that she worries I think we won’t play anymore if we allow life to intrude too often. She’s right. I’m not necessarily worried that she will just stay buried in her iPad and not come up for air or lion play. I’m also worried I will stop wanting it. That’s what happened in the past. It wasn’t just Mrs. Lion showing no interest. It was also me not even trying until I was desperate. Even then I was very uncomfortable asking for relief.

She’s right that I think of this as my kink that she indulges out of love for me. That lack of skin in the game could make it painless for her to just let it die out. My current lack of interest also makes it painless to allow that to happen. This isn’t a new feeling on my part. It’s hard for me to be comfortable as long as there isn’t anything in all this for her. I feel guilty and I worry about her wanting to continue. I don’t expect her to get turned on by the power she has over me. That’s certainly not going to happen. I can’t expect her to love that she can make me do things. She clearly doesn’t care about having power. So here we are after almost two years with my kink depending on the kindness of my lioness. That’s not a bad thing. It’s been working well. But it doesn’t give me a great feeling of security.

The best way I can explain my feelings about this is that I am the designer of everything we do. It isn’t that Mrs. Lion hasn’t come up with stuff on her own. She certainly has. It’s that because her investment is based on doing what I asked, she doesn’t have a plan for me. I may have this completely wrong, but in my mind, the only way she can be invested in enforced chastity and domestic discipline is to have goals that she can achieve. When she reaches them, hopefully she will feel the satisfaction of a job well done.

Does this make any sense at all? Is it just my natural pessimism and angst over my vision speaking? I looked back over my past posts and this isn’t the first time I’ve expressed this concern. More communication is surely necessary. Action is also required as well. I would feel much better if plans were made and announced and then executed. I don’t want to pressure Mrs. Lion. Plans don’t have to be very big. In fact, a one week plan of any kind would light me up again. Maybe something anal that doesn’t require me to feel aroused? Maybe one that postpones my orgasm until it is achieved? That idea appeals to me. Baby steps, Mrs. Lion. They will help me a lot.

What do you think?