I’ve spent the better part of last night and this morning trying to figure out the problem Lion thinks I have with being in charge. He wants rules. He wants punishments. He wants play time and edging. He wants plans. He wants me to be in charge. He wants me to have skin in the game. He wants. And I do my best to give him what he wants. But what about what I want?
Well, Lion will tell you he wants me to take what I want. He wants me to open my mouth when I want something. He wants me to tell him what I want, when I want it. And it’s difficult for me to do that. But the one thing I know I want is a happy Lion. I try hard to keep him happy. I play with him and edge him. And I fail on a lot of levels because I don’t follow through on plans and promises. But after thinking about this “skin in the game” idea for a while, I don’t have a want. I have a don’t want.
I can deal with Lion when he’s horny and when he’s frustrated sexually. What I find it difficult to deal with is an uninterested Lion. When Lion isn’t interested because he’s hit his plateau in the middle of a longer wait, I can usually turn that around. I have very persuasive hands and mouth. When he’s not interested because he’s worried about something or he’s in a bad mood, it’s more difficult. So what is my don’t want? I don’t want to fight Lion to get him turned on. Last night he said he wasn’t horny. Was that because he’s worried I’m losing interest or because he’s worried about his eye or because it’s however many days into his wait? I don’t know. [Lion – Just ask me. It was due to a combination of exhaustion because my eye problem wears me out and worry I may not recover. She did ask me if I could be turned on and I said, “Maybe.” Honest answer] I feel like I’m in a catch 22. We’re playing because he wants to play even though he doesn’t want to play right now. I have to convince him that I want to play so he’ll want to play. Who wants to play? I thought he did. (I had a number of conversations like this at work yesterday which prompted two of us to yell out, “Who’s on first?” a few times over the course of the afternoon.) Nothing will make me less interested in playing than thinking he’s disinterested because he thinks I don’t want to play. [Lion – I never not want to play because she is disinterested. There is always a reason relating to me. I might feel guilty that I am an additional burden, but if that bothers me too much I will ask and I accept the answer I get.]
So what’s the takeaway here? I need to work on my consistency in planning and playing. Lion needs to work on relaxing and enjoying the things we do rather than worrying about why we do them. [I am very grateful for all the effort Mrs. Lion puts in to make me happy]