Both Mrs. Lion and I are tired too much of the time. We are both sleeping poorly. I’m not sure why, but it does make things a little harder. I’ve noticed that the vast majority of writing about enforced chastity and FLM (Female Led Marriage – I hate when acronyms are used without reference) is either about the submissive partner regardless of whether the post is written by the guy or his dominant partner.
This focus is a bit concerning to me. There is a ton of “how-to” information but little how-to-be out there. For most keyholders and disciplining wives, the authoritive role isn’t something taught since childhood. In most cases, the male suggests initiating the power exchange. There’s nothing wrong with that. But it does leave the dominant partner without a community of similar women and very little information on how to assume this role.
In many cases, most of the information on how to be a keyholder or disciplining wife comes from the male asking for this control. His view is likely to be colored by his fantasies about what he requested. Chances are very good he has no real life experience to draw upon. Some people hit Google and try to research enforced chastity or FLM/. There is a lot of stuff out there. How much of it represents useful information for the dominant partner? I’m not in the best position to judge, but based on my reading, there isn’t a lot out there.
Successful keyholders and disciplining wives, if they write at all, tend to discuss current events in their homes. The narratives are very interesting and fun to read, but do they address the fundamental questions a woman new to all this wants to ask? I’ve seen one or two efforts to set up “courses” for new keyholders and dominant women. What I’ve seen so far doesn’t really address what I’m talking about.
In the BDSM world, there are a lot of very good books that offer sensible advice for new tops and bottoms. The Topping Book by Janet Hardy is a light, informative guide to being a top. It isn’t directly relevant to the lifestyle power exchanges I’m talking about, but it is a time-tested resource that might be helpful.
There are a few “books” by various “mistresses” claiming to instruct keyholders on how to run an enforced-chastity relationship. I haven’t read them all of course. The ones I have tend to be very prescriptive about the “right” way to do things. Compare these to the Topping Book and you will see why I am not fond of them.
I don’t think a new keyholder or disciplining wife needs a how-to. Her partner is more than able to get her started on that. What I think she needs is help on how to think about this power exchange; how to process not what her partner wants, but what he needs. I know that Mrs. Lion gets frustrated by this difference. She generally starts by giving me what I say I want. In the beginning, when I discovered it is not as much fun as I thought it would be, she used to stop doing it. After all, according to her, she is doing all this stuff because I want it.
That makes sense in the context of enforced chastity as something to make me happy. The problem for her was that when she stopped doing something I didn’t like, I was unhappy about that too. This seems completely irrational. Perhaps it is. But if she had the benefit of better information coming from other women in a similar situation, she might have gotten a different perspective. I’ve come to realize that what works best for me is when I feel that I have no control at all.
For example, on Sunday Mrs. Lion put two, very painful, small clothespins on the head of my penis. That hurt terribly. I begged her to remove them. Eventually she did. She might conclude that this activity is something I would rather not experience very often. I’m not a masochist; at least I don’t think I am. But when I thought about it, I realized that this is something that makes me painfully aware I am not in control. It’s something that I think I should “learn” to take for her. So, I asked her to continue and help me get used to have two and then more there as long as she wishes. Is this something she “should” do? From my perspective it is. Since it is “play” I don’t think that a request like this impinges on her authority.
But, how do we know? More importantly, who can Mrs. Lion ask if she has questions about our power exchange? I know there are people out there who would be willing to help, but I am pretty sure Mrs. Lion would feel uncomfortable trusting them. I don’t know if she would be comfortable confiding with anyone online. She is a very private lioness. She may need to discover her path on her own. I’m fine with that. I just wish it were easier to develop a real community around our interests. Wouldn’t it be fun to have a weekend with parties and workshops?