Last night I told Lion it was time for his punishment for making a mess and eating breakfast before I did. I told him I was going to give him eight hard swats and he had to stay still. If he didn’t, I would have to start over. He wrote a post about expectations and consequences. I was telling him what to expect and the consequences for not meeting those expectations. He said that wasn’t what he meant. He was talking about the grand scheme of things. He wants to know when to do X and if he should do Y and how to do Z. I have no idea. But wouldn’t it be a good idea if I start out with baby steps? Telling him about the punishment was a pretty good first step, I thought. Normally I don’t punish him on the same day unless he happens to screw up on an actual punishment day. And then I never tell him how many swats or what will happen if he doesn’t stay still.
I guess I’m confused about my own expectations and consequences. What am I supposed to be making him do? If he doesn’t start the dishwasher, then I do when I think about it. If I don’t start the laundry, then he does when he thinks about it. I prefer to share the work. I know he can’t really clean the house because it stirs up dust and dander, and then he’ll be a sneezing, itching pile of goo. So that’s my job. He tends to cook more often. Is that his job? When he complains about cooking too many nights in a row, I cook. He didn’t like making breakfast on the weekends to give me a break from it so I took that job back. I just don’t know what types of things I’m supposed to assign him. Maybe I’m just making too much of it. Maybe I just need to tell him I don’t really care if he hates making breakfast on the weekends. I do too. Suck it up and make breakfast on the weekends. But that’s not me. I’m more of a grumbling-under-my-breath-that-I-hate-making-breakfast-as-much-as-he-does-but-I’ll-do-it-anyway-because-that’s-what-I-do kind of person. And, no, that’s not necessarily healthy, but that’s how I roll.
Now Lion wants maintenance swats to be as hard as punishment swats. What’s the point of punishment swats then? Maintenance swats were supposed to get me used to hitting him. Punishment swats were for a specific thing. Making them both the same, to me, diminishes the punishment swats. If he gets hit just as hard for not doing anything as he does for doing something, why should he try to avoid punishment? If I’m going to get a speeding ticket for going the limit and I’ll get one for going 10 mph over the limit, I’d rather go 10 mph over the limit. There’s no incentive to go the limit.
I don’t know. It just seems like the rules change too often for me to keep track.
Are you in charge or not? If you are, then tough luck for Lion. He can’t keep moving the goal posts on you. It’s not fair to you as a keyholder OR as a wife. It’s lovely that you keep trying to make him happy, but as an outsider, it sure looks miserable.
I don’t move the goalposts. I come up with ideas and we discuss them.
Obviously we only get a two dimensional view into your dynamic so it’s impossible to know from here. However, from the outside looking in you absolutely do. How many posts has Lioness made about you changing your mind? You say you get off on the power exchange but it sure looks like it’s only only when it’s on your terms. Look, I’m not trying to bash you or argue. I suspect you have no idea how your language comes across. Your wife seems to post a lot of “I don’t know what he wants” kind of posts so that leads me to believe it’s the same with her. Obviously you guys could be resolving all this in person and just not reflecting the resolution in your writing. I hope that’s the case for both of your sakes. I’m simply sharing my impression on how it appears to the outside.
Thanks for your comments. I can see where you might reach the conclusions you wrote about. If you go back to the beginning, almost two years ago, you will find the same basic back and forth. As a couple, we are close and very happy with each other. Mrs. Lion understands my experimental nature, but nevertheless frequently takes my comments to mean she isn’t doing “it” right. This prompts a post where she expresses confusion at my apparent lack of satisfaction with our lifestyle. This couldn’t be further from the truth.
One of the downsides of writing posts is that my lioness reads them and internalizes what I write. At least she does it for a little while, usually long enough to respond here. We always work things out that day. After all, she’s in charge.
People who like to imagine a power exchange is a dictatorship with no input from the bottom, simply don’t understand how things work in real life. Mrs. Lion worries she isn’t giving me what I want. I assure her every day that she is doing a great job and I encourage her to worry less about what I want and more about what she wants from me.
Being who I am, there is little chance I will stop coming up with ideas.I repeatedly remind her that they are ideas for her to consider, then accept or reject. I remind her that I am very happy with the status quo. My forays into new territory do not imply dissatisfaction, just my sense of adventure. I make sure I tell her this at least once every day.
I suspect that the better title for her post is not “I’m Confused” but “What The Hell Is Lion Into Now?”
Sounds like someone is topping….
I think what I need to do is learn to reflect before reacting. When Lion wants something new, I should give myself at least three days to digest it. And every time he asks me about it before I’m ready, he earns himself a punishment.