Here we are halfway through the weekend. Two football games yesterday and a shopping trip. Mrs. Lion put the shock collar on my night table. I took the hint and put it on. While in the warehouse store she tried to give me a playful zap. Nothing. Apparently it wasn’t turned on or in the process of dressing it was inadvertently turned off. So, I retired to the men’s room and corrected the situation. About an hour later when we were stopping so I could get an Orange Julius, Zap! Yup, it was working. Mrs. Lion laughed. I asked what I had done wrong. She said there was no rule she couldn’t zap me for no reason. Of course she was right.
I look forward to weekends. I like the option of sleeping late and the chance we will get to play. Yesterday we were too busy. Today should be a different story. I hope it is. While driving today we discussed my post yesterday and the entire concept of fitting sex, or in our case, enforced chastity, etc. into an impossibly busy life. We reached no real solution. The fact is that as the years go by, more and more stuff needs to be done. Between job, kids, illnesses and just plain aging, every waking hour is consumed. Sex and other intimate play aren’t given up; not exactly. Those things just don’t happen because there is no more energy or time.
I’ve been thinking about this. It’s unfair to say that the problem is prioritizing intimacy higher on the list. Usually, there is no list, just lots of demands. I think that’s the problem. We grow up believing that sexual activities should be spontaneous. “Moments” should happen and sex follows. This was true for us in the beginning. Our relationship was less evolved and infatuation pushed intimacy to the the top of that nonexistent list. We let other things slide so we could be close.
We didn’t grow apart or feel less attraction. The gravity of the things we weren’t doing pulled us down and away from the intimacy we both love. It happens slowly over years. We learned to rationalize this loss by listing all the urgent things we had to do first. Then we acknowledged that our batteries had run down and there was no energy for sex and love. The feelings remained and there was anger, unexpressed, at the loss. New rationalizations, the if only’s, reinforced the validity of lost intimacy.
It seems that this happens to a lot of us. In our case, enforced chastity was the dynamite that blew us back into prioritizing intimacy. The inherent urgency of dealing with sexual surrender realigned priorities. But even that eventually starts to sink as the gravity of “other stuff” increases. Mrs. Lion and I have been actively resisting this. It’s hardest on her. She’s lost a lot of the energy she had before. It’s probably medical and a way will be found to get that energy back. In the meantime we need to figure out how to keep going sexually. She’s ready to push herself even though hurting and exhausted to make me happy. That doesn’t make me happy at all.
I don’t want to slowly sink into becoming roommates. She doesn’t either. So we will work together to find ways to make things easier for her and allow us both to enjoy the intimacy we are not ready to give up. I think we have made a lot of progress by realizing what drags us down. Together we will keep intimacy where it belongs in our marriage.