It’s Not Always Easy

[Note: I wrote this post on Thursday at the same time, apparently, Mrs. Lion wrote hers for Thursday afternoon. This is not a reaction to what she wrote. It certainly sounds that way. This happens frequently. We both write without looking at each other’s next post but somehow they talk about very similar things. Weird.]

I don’t expect to enjoy everything that happens to me. Punishments are very painful and I hate them. Even some of the play we do hurts a lot and when it starts I cringe. That’s not what I am talking about. Those things are part of what makes life interesting for me. Before and after I suffer, I find all that a turn on. What gets to me now and then is the sense that my need for these kinks not only separates me from most people, but also puts pressure on Mrs. Lion that she doesn’t really want or need.

It’s not like I met her at a leather event and that she had a longstanding fantasy about controlling a man’s sex life and becoming head of household. I know it’s only her love for me that provides motivation for her assumption of control. Whenever I think about this, I get conflicting feelings: I’m profoundly grateful that she is willing  to go to such extremes to make me happy; and I feel massively guilty for putting her in the position to do all these things that she has no real desire to do.

These are my feelings. She never gives me any reason to feel this guilt. But I do. Most of the time I try to gratefully accept her attention and leadership. But then days come along when the reality creeps in and I find myself wondering how I could be so selfish.

I’ve asked her how she feels about what she is doing. Invariably she answers, “It’s OK.” This is her go-to neutral answer to most questions that most likely would draw a negative response if she was willing to risk provoking a negative feeling in the questioner. Knowing that, I too often press her to get a better idea of what’s really going on. Generally, those efforts don’t get much more information. The thing I hate the most is that when I mention these concerns, she feels badly that she doesn’t feel the way I expect. That’s the last thing I want. Then I feel even guiltier. This is a vicious circle. One that I created.

The fact is that for whatever reason, Mrs. Lion is making my dreams come true. Not only that, she is independently growing into the role I want. She isn’t just doing things I ask her to do. She is becoming creative and is truly taking charge. She is very successful as a keyholder and disciplining wife. I’m grateful she has chosen to do this for me. I really shouldn’t look a gift lioness in the mouth.

It is beyond wrong for me to expect her to love her role. I hope that over time she will learn to like it. I know she likes the effect being my keyholder has had on our marriage. That improvement motivates both of us. So, if sometimes I feel down, it’s not because I am sorry that I’ve lost a lot of freedom; it’s because I’ve given Mrs. Lion so much extra work.