My last few posts have been introspective. It’s not that I need to rationalize enforced chastity or our FLR. It’s more that I want some insight into how these essentially sexual practices have such a profound effect on our marriage. As you probably know, I’m not the type to just accept the good news and go with the flow. I want to understand the why as well as the what.
A long time ago I read that all love ends in sadness; either by death or divorce. This is indisputably true. Some could take this as a reason to avoid love. After all, isn’t it better to miss out on love than to suffer the indescribable pain of loss? I cast my vote on the side of love. My life is infinitely better because my dear lioness shares it with me. The odds are good that I will die first. So it will be she who suffers the pain of loss. I will be gone.
I feel selfish because the love we share will eventually cause her horrible pain. I’ll just slip into blissful darkness. She will have to manage a new life alone. Of course, there is nothing we can do about this. Because it is inevitable there is little reason to dwell on it. But thinking about the end does offer me some instruction about my present.
When I was a teenager, my father died suddenly. He left behind a long list of things he wanted to experience but hadn’t because he needed to take care of other, more immediate things. I resolved never to let that happen to me. I would experience things as they came up. That way, at the end of my life there would be little left undone.
That philosophy has served me well. It has moved me in wrong directions at times. But eventually I find my way back to the life I want. This can make me appear impulsive. To an outsider I appear to plunge into new things with all four paws. But as Mrs. Lion knows, that’s not the case at all. When something comes up that catches my interest, I find out everything I can about it. My research is quiet. I don’t usually share these forays into new knowledge. At some point I will either decide that I don’t want to pursue it or I will resolve to give it a try.
That’s what happened with enforced chastity. I spent well over a decade learning and writing about it. It always seemed hot, but I couldn’t see myself losing sexual control. Finally, that little voice inside my head said, “You’ll regret it if you don’t try it.”
I usually listen to that little voice. The few times I didn’t, I’ve regretted. More about some of them another time. So, I asked Mrs. Lion to lock me up. Neither of us expected this to last very long. We both figured my independent personality would grow tired of surrender and the cage would come off. To my complete surprise that didn’t happen.
There have been plenty of times I question my own sanity for wearing this thing. I get grumpy about my inability to get off if I want. At least once a week I wonder if Mrs. Lion really cares if we do this or not. That worry is the worst. I hate the idea of having her go through something she doesn’t want just to make me happy. I know she watches TV shows that I like and she doesn’t. She sometimes goes to restaurants that I love that do nothing for her. I am deeply grateful for those sacrifices. But I couldn’t stand putting her through our power exchange just because it is something I like.
Checking things off my bucket list carries a certain amount of guilt. These are things I want to do. Are they things that Mrs. Lion doesn’t want to do? One reason I want her in charge (FLR) is that I hope she will make sure her wants are front and center. I would much rather miss out on something than roll over her wishes.
That concern is what moved me to ask for our FLR. It wasn’t out of a need to give up control in general. It is out of a much more significant need: to be sure that my sweet lioness is being heard and is having her wishes granted.
I recognize that this is a rather extreme way to accomplish this. But in our case I think it gives us the best chance of achieving the balance that will make us both happiest.