After reading my post yesterday, Mrs. Lion said, “We can try that.”
That statement leaves a lot open to interpretation. My post covered a wide range of activities, none of which I particularly enjoy. So, the indefinite “that” she mentioned can be nearly any concealable BDSM activity. I’ve never had to go out of the house wearing a butt plug or clothespins on my balls. Of course, neither of these might be what she was considering. I don’t think we have any diapers (thank goodness!) on board the camper, so that is probably out.
Of course, she may have had nothing specifically in mind. She may just approved of the idea with no plan on how or when she would try it. That leaves me speculating on how I will be suffering at some undetermined point in the future. She likes surprising me. One one level I like that too. On another, I inwardly (usually) groan in anticipation of what’s coming.
Wednesday night’s particularly painful spanking left an impression on me. Aside from stinging for hours, I find myself trying much harder to avoid spilling or interrupting. This, of course, is the purpose of punishment; to increase my awareness of rules and improve my obedience.
That’s not surprising. It’s expected. What surprised me was that I have been getting less attentive and obedient even though there were occasional punishments. After Wednesday, the light bulb went on. The reasons I had been slipping are that punishment was far from inevitable. More often than not, my offenses were either unnoticed or promised punishment was skipped. That, combined with the low intensity of the punishments, when administered, sent me the subconscious message that the rules weren’t really important. I’m surprised I reacted this way. I had no conscious knowledge that I was letting things slide. But I was.
I like to think that I’m enough of an adult to consistently obey and follow my rules without the threat of painful punishment. I must be in some areas. Otherwise I couldn’t hold a responsible position. So, the reason I need consistent, painful punishment is probably not that I am incapable of behaving without supervision. I suspect it has to do with a deeper emotional need.
I believe that I need consistent, strict management in order to fill a deep need for security. That can be completely wrong, but nothing else I can think of seems to fit. Despite how I feel at the time, I want and need Mrs. Lion to have a very firm hand when dealing with me. Some part of me sees consistent, strict enforcement of my obedience as a form of love that nurtures me.
It may be that my need for FLR isn’t that I want my partner to take over the difficult life decisions. I was happy making those. In my case, it seems to me my need for a very firm hand that I interpret as love.