My post yesterday talked about how domestic discipline and enforced chastity open communication channels that support a better relationship. Anonymous commented that he wondered why a relationship would need a power exchange in order to have this flow. More specifically, he noted that in his reading accounts from disciplining wives, they used punishment as a pressure release; a way to express their anger or frustration.
We don’t do that at all. Mrs. Lion never punishes when she is angry. Punishment is meted out after the heat of the moment is long gone. It isn’t a form of therapy for her. We’ve discussed that very point on more than one occasion. I am punished because I broke a rule, behaved badly, or failed to obey her. I am punished as close to the infraction as is practical, but never while she is angry about what I did.
In a way I wish she would sometimes use her paddle as a way of expressing her frustration or anger. I believe that if she occasionally did that, she would “feel” her authority on a visceral level. Of course, I recognize that if she did that, the punishment would be more about her and much less about me.
I believe that punishment is not therapy for the disciplining wife. It is education for her husband. For whatever reason buried deep inside my psyche, the physical discipline not only helps me become more conscious of my actions, but also provides me with a deep sense of being loved. Mrs. Lion has repeatedly told me that punishing me is not emotionally satisfying for her. It is done strictly for my benefit.
Anonymous mentioned that it wasn’t clear when I “had enough” when spanked. Mrs. Lion had written that she paddles me until she thinks I’ve had enough, and then goes a bit further. Maybe this needs a little clarification. In my experience, while a spanking is painful right from the first swat, the effect is cumulative. At some point, I just want it to stop. I am getting angry and I want to get away. At this point I “understand” on a very primal level that if I have any control at all, the swats will stop.
This is the time when, if she continues, I understand that this spanking is completely out of my control. I want it to stop and at times, I have rolled over or demanded she stop. This is also the time when, if she continues, I know that I will do whatever I can to avoid this happening again. Prior to that moment, I can rationalize the spanking as something I want her to do. It may hurt a lot, but it’s what I want. When she passes that point, I begin to get the message that this is something I absolutely don’t want. The more she continues past that point, the more I resolve to avoid provoking this again.
Prior to experiencing this, it was my belief that a butt-stinging spanking was all I needed to correct me and help change my behavior. The butt-stinging spankings make an impression, but if I am completely honest, also feel to me that they are what I wanted and in a way something I like.
It’s hard to articulate this, but at the butt-stinging stage I know that this is a realization of my discipline fantasy. It’s true that my butt hurts and I want the spanking to stop, but I also feel an element of control. In the past, Mrs. Lion would stop when I felt I had enough; or she would stop after a couple of extra swats.
Now she can read me better. She knows when I really want her to stop and when I am ready to stop her. Of course, I don’t stop her, but it is that point when the real punishment begins. Up until then, the activity is almost BDSM. It’s a fantasy realization combined with a reminder to correct something. When she goes past the point I am angry and desperate to stop her, then it sends a very different message to me. I realize that once she is done, I have to avoid provoking it again. That is true punishment, not fantasy realization.
Why would I want this? At the time I’ve earned it, I absolutely don’t want it. But when some time has passed, I realize that I am working harder to behave. I feel a deep sense of love. That is because I am wired that way. I don’t feel that I am cowed or tamed. I just feel that I am learning how to perfect my surrender. To me, at least, obedience without active demonstration of discipline, is not as satisfying. That’s just me. It may be true of no one else.
Mrs. Lion in herrole, understands this. Hopefully, she is now permanently . It is very meaningful to me in a positive way, that when she gets her paddle, I will have no control over what happens and that I will go past the point I want to stop her.
If this seems odd to some, I can understand it. But it feels completely natural to me. If Mrs. Lion is very strict but fair, I am a happy camper. I think she is realizing that. At least, I hope she is.
The other point that Anonymous made is that he doesn’t see why a couple can’t have the improved communication without the power exchange. I believe there is no good reason why a couple can’t. It’s just that so many of us don’t manage to do it without some artifice to assist us. Some go to therapy. Some never learn and divorce. We practice domestic discipline and enforced chastity.
The true test of whether a power exchange is genuinely useful to a couple is time. Since we are well into our third year of it, there is no doubt in either of our minds that it works for us. I’m sure what we do won’t work for the vast majority of couples. But some, like us, find deeper love and harmony.