By:
In: Female led relationship with discipline, Lion's Journal

After reading my post yesterday, Mrs. Lion said, “We can try that.”

That statement leaves a lot open to interpretation. My post covered a wide range of activities, none of which I particularly enjoy. So, the indefinite “that” she mentioned can be nearly any concealable BDSM activity. I’ve never had to go out of the house wearing a butt plug or clothespins on my balls. Of course, neither of these might be what she was considering. I don’t think we have any diapers (thank goodness!) on board the camper, so that is probably out.

Of course, she may have had nothing specifically in mind. She may just approved of the idea with no plan on how or when she would try it. That leaves me speculating on how I will be suffering at some undetermined point in the future. She likes surprising me. One one level I like that too. On another, I inwardly (usually) groan in anticipation of what’s coming.

Wednesday night’s particularly painful spanking left an impression on me. Aside from stinging for hours, I find myself trying much harder to avoid spilling or interrupting. This, of course, is the purpose of punishment; to increase my awareness of rules and improve my obedience.

That’s not surprising. It’s expected. What surprised me was that I have been getting less attentive and obedient even though there were occasional punishments. After Wednesday, the light bulb went on. The reasons I had been slipping are that punishment was far from inevitable. More often than not, my offenses were either unnoticed or promised punishment was skipped. That, combined with the low intensity of the punishments, when administered, sent me the subconscious message that the rules weren’t really important. I’m surprised I reacted this way. I had no conscious knowledge that I was letting things slide. But I was.

I like to think that I’m enough of an adult to consistently obey and follow my rules without the threat of painful punishment. I must be in some areas. Otherwise I couldn’t hold a responsible position. So, the reason I need consistent, painful punishment is probably not that I am incapable of behaving without supervision. I suspect it has to do with a deeper emotional need.

I believe that I need consistent, strict management in order to fill a deep need for security. That can be completely wrong, but nothing else I can think of seems to fit. Despite how I feel at the time, I want and need Mrs. Lion to have a very firm hand when dealing with me. Some part of me sees consistent, strict enforcement of my obedience as a form of love that nurtures me.

It may be that my need for FLR isn’t that I want my partner to take over the difficult life decisions. I was happy making those. In my case, it seems to me my need for a very firm hand that I interpret as love.

By:
In: 2.0

We had issues on our journey yesterday. To save time and distance, we cross the Columbia on a ferry. We had no problem getting on the ferry. Getting off the ferry, as guided by the deckhand, the top corner of the camper hit a support. Crunch! It took a few hours to figure out how to get the camper off without doing more damage, and then to duct tape the parts back together enough to keep it from getting soaked in the impending rain. We were five hours from home and two hours from the campgrounds. We decided to continue on since the camper seems to be weatherproof for now.

Needless to say, we got in late. It was raining, but we still had daylight. After dinner, Lion fell asleep watching TV. It’s just as well. I was tired too and didn’t feel much like playing. However, when I was ready for bed, Lion was ready for action. While we travelled, he kept mentioning that he was horny. It has been X days since his last orgasm after all. Why wouldn’t he be horny? Sadly, last night was not his night. We snuggled and he moaned whenever my touch felt good, but I didn’t encourage him. We’ll see what tonight brings.

This morning we went out to find cell service so we could report our accident. On the way back to the camper, Lion needed to send a work email. I pulled over as soon as I could so we’d still have cell service. Lion asked what the date is for Monday. I fumbled to find my phone. He said there was a calendar on the truck’s info system and seemed annoyed I was wasting his time looking on my phone for the calendar. There are two problems with this. One, I knew the calendar was there, but my go to is the phone. Two, if he remembered it was there, why didn’t he just look for it himself? He was sitting as far away from it as I was. So what? What’s the big deal?

This isn’t the first time it’s happened. Not the calendar thing, but his being annoyed because I didn’t do something a certain way. Actually, he does it a lot while I’m driving. I’m not in the right lane. I should have turned at that corner back there. Just pass this guy already. And so on. In those cases, I ask him who’s driving and then tell him that any time he’d like to drive he can just let me know. Now I’m thinking these remarks require a more concrete (or should I say wooden, as in paddle) response. From now on, Lion will receive swats for making these comments.

Yes, Lion. 2.0 appears to be back in full force.

By:
In: CBT

Yesterday, I wrote about taking play, sex, and punishment away from bedtime and perhaps, the bed. That started my imagination going. This is a dangerous thing for me to do. It’s like food shopping when you are hungry; you’re bound to buy more than you need. I’m horny and my imagination may be writing checks my ass can’t cash. Oh well. Here goes.

If we take play out of the bedroom, then why not take it out of the house/camper entirely? Before we go out, Mrs. Lion could tell me to drop my pants, bend over, and spread my cheeks. She could insert a butt plug. Then, have me pull up my pants and off we go on whatever was planned. It would add an interesting twist to our activities. I’m sure we could take some of the usual CBT activities out of the house as well. We would know what is happening, but the rest of the world would be unaware.

The possibilities are only limited by Mrs. Lion’s imagination. The element of surprise is fun for both of us. I know she loves the look on my face when she springs something on me. Too often, she lets me talk her out of her creative-if-uncomfortable-for-me ideas. I’m hoping she won’t let me do that anymore. Each time she prevails despite my objections, we add to our power exchange.

I remember the times she had me go out wearing a diaper. We took some long shopping trips where I got very soggy. It was uncomfortable, but it sent the right message. If we do that again, and the trip might be too long for one diaper, there is no reason we can’t carry a change.

My point isn’t really about wearing diapers. It’s about ignoring objections based on my unhappiness with the activity, and being creative about managing the objections that might be valid. For example, me complaining the trip will be too long for a single diaper. The answer is not to let me go without one, but to bring changes if needed.

It seems to me that activities like this are about finding ways we can do them and not about me coming up with reasons we can’t. Too many times I have convinced Mrs. Lion to not do something she wanted to try. Growth for me is to learn to accept, even embrace things that I know will be uncomfortable or potentially embarrassing. It’s part of my role.

By:
In: CBT

Last night, as we were falling asleep, Lion mumbled something about trouble.  I thought he said he was trouble. He says that from time to time he thinks he asks me to do too much for him. What he actually said was that he’s in trouble. He is?

He did get punishment swats last night on a non-punishment night. Hard ones. Lion needs to learn not to interrupt. This morning he asked if I hit as hard as I could. Um, nope. Sorry. I can hit harder. Part of it was the paddle I used. That blood wood paddle with the sandpaper on one side is mean.

A little while after his punishment, I pulled out my bag of tricks. While I rubbed his balls and got his juices flowing, I asked him what I should use from the bag. Not surprisingly, he didn’t like any idea. No problem. I can choose.

I tortured him with the tiny clothespins for a few minutes. Pink ones because a big, strong man needs to show his softer side sometimes. I asked him where he thought the most sensitive area was. Clearly he didn’t want that little monster anywhere near his cock. Too bad. But I only put it on for a few seconds. It was definitely long enough for Lion.

Then I pulled out the Velcro. Uh oh. I’ve decided it’s not as much fun when he’s already hard. Those little teeth don’t seem to bite in quite as well. Lion may disagree. It still hurt a lot.

So Lion may have a point. Maybe he is in trouble. Now that we’ve started playing more and pain has returned to the game, he’s starting to get exactly what he asked for once again.

[Lion — It’s more than that.  Whether she is doing it consciously or not, she’s dialed up the intensity. The play session included more pain than she’s provided in years. The spanking was much more painful. She hit spots over and over that sh knows gives me the most pain. I woke up this morning still stinging back there. While I hated much of it at the time, especially the tiny clothespin on the head of my penis (NSFW image), somehow it all feels right; even the spanking. 2.0 is back and I welcome her. I know I will regret encouraging her, but it is the right thing for me to do. It will make things better for us.]