I Get What I Want
Lion has been talking lately about conditioning. He wants me to get him to a point that some task becomes a habit for him. For example, if I want him to do the laundry, I need to remind him the laundry needs to be done. I need to get him to accept that as his job so that every weekend he sorts the laundry, puts the loads in the washer, changes them to the dryer, and puts the clothes away. All without thinking about it. Just like breathing.
I’m having a problem with this. I’d have to find something that I want him to do. It’s not that Lion is perfect, but we share the chores. It’s true that we each tend to do the same chores over and over (Lion cleans the toilets. I feed the animals. Etc.), but there’s nothing I need him to do specifically. He doesn’t have a problem with leaving his shoes in the living room or missing the hamper. He doesn’t need to be reminded to take the garbage out. That’s why most of our rules are silly. I don’t want to change Lion.
The other problem I have with his saying he wants me to condition him, is that it seems obvious to me that he’s been conditioning me for years. Doesn’t he want me to be comfortable with punishment? Doesn’t he want me to do mean things to him without a second thought? Doesn’t he want me to feel that I have control of him? Yup. He wants me to “internalize” it. He wants it to become second nature. In all the discussion about his not wanting to top from the bottom, I don’t see how he can’t. Until I am fully conditioned to want to do the things he wants done, I’m roughly following his lead. He may not be actively directing the show, but Lion is the reason the show must go on.
Now, I’m not saying I want to stop. This is a consensual arrangement. I’m merely trying to explain that I’m being conditioned too. And that, ultimately, he is topping from the bottom to some extent a good portion of the time. I do see that Lion has good intentions. He wants me to have power so that I will be stronger in other areas of my life. He wants me to stick up for myself at work. He wants me to feel like I can do anything. I’m more of a go-with-the-flow kind of person. That annoys Lion. He thinks I don’t get what I want that way. He’s wrong. I got him that way.
I’ll have to figure out what I want to change about Lion. There has to be something he does that bothers me. It will probably be something silly like spilling food on himself. I’ll just have to keep my eyes open.