If our marriage is a true female lead relationship with domestic discipline, are there times when my rules should be suspended? This was a question one of our readers posed earlier this week. Initially, my response was that there were certainly times I wouldn’t be held accountable for all of the rules I normally follow. Our reader replied that there could be a situation that isn’t true. For example, a guy decides to get drunk, head out on his motorcycle and gets into an accident. He’s hurt and in the hospital. Should his wife overlook the incident?
There is a giant problem with this example. If this couple had no labels on their relationship, would this question even be asked? Common sense says that during the immediate crisis there isn’t any consideration of fault of blame. The focus is on helping the injured person heal. Sure, it can be infuriating that his drinking brought it on himself. But so what? He’s bleeding and needs all the support he can get.
My point is that domestic discipline isn’t the home version of the criminal justice system. It’s a form of communication used to manage issues within the relationship. I could see that this hypothetical biker could end up seriously spanked if he just got drunk and unruly. But he got hurt.
When I thought about it, I realized that the so-called sexual game that’s part of DD is what most guys think it is all about. You have to call time out in a game. You can’t do that in life. Our power exchange isn’t a game. It’s an agreement that helps define the power balance in our relationship. It doesn’t define us. I’m sure it doesn’t define other couples who practice it.
My so-called rules define behaviors that Mrs. Lion wants changed. She enforces the rules with corporal punishment. The rules aren’t laws that we are both obligated to follow under all conditions. I don’t feel that anything has changed between my lioness and I because I’ve had surgery. By that I mean that it never occurred to me that rules did or didn’t apply while in the hospital. I never gave it a thought.
One of the key elements of my surrender is that I give Mrs. Lion authority and power. I expect her to exercise this power in a way that will best serve us both. I know, it’s really hot reading about an unforgiving mistress who beats her poor, bedridden husband. It’s sexy to consider such arbitrary power. But it doesn’t work in real life.
So, if I am sick and decide to get stubborn and dig in my paws, should Mrs. Lion drag me where she wants with me kicking and screaming? Of course not. In the real world, the most powerful way to exert power is by persuasion. Mrs. Lion explains why I need to do what she wants. I may not agree, but I do know that she is in charge. I may not go gracefully, but then domestic discipline isn’t a ballet. What counts is that I do what she believes best. If I still dig in and decide to do something else, then she has to decide how important it is that I do what she wants at that instant. If it is, then she can use all the less gentle means at her disposal to help me change my mind. Otherwise, she will let me do what I want and then have a quiet discussion about it later.
What truly counts is that she remembers that she is in charge. She doesn’t have to beat me to understand her role. She may have to give me a gentle reminder that she is the boss. In fact, that’s the best thing she can do for both of us. She is telling us both that our power exchange isn’t a battle of wills. It’s an agreement that can include discipline.
When I was in the hospital, we both had more important things to consider. I was in pain and very unhappy about being alone and away from her. She was worried about my health. FLR and DD are techniques that support a relationship dynamic we practice. We both put a lot of trust in each other. Her power doesn’t reside in her paddle. It’s in my belief in her.