I Admit That I Want Humiliation

I’ve always gotten aroused thinking of not-too-terrible humiliation. The thought of being spanked was my earliest incarnation of that kink. I get spanked. It’s not terribly humiliating, just painful. I suggested we move into more obviously humiliating territory. That suggestion was the straw that broke the lioness’ kinky back. I’m not at all sure why, but she’s back on track, I think.

She had a medical test yesterday that required anesthesia. She spent the day snoozing and relaxing. That’s exactly right for her. I made dinner. She loves pulled pork and macaroni and cheese. So that’s what we had, along with a Caesar salad. She’s able to drive now and is going back to work. We won’t have the test results for a few days. I’ll worry until they come back negative. She means more to me than anything. I want her healthy and feisty.

Spanking should be humiliating. It’s a childish punishment where my bottom is bare and paddled until it is sore and I am truly sorry for my sins. At least that’s the way I thought of it. Somehow I escape feeling humiliated when I’m punished. I definitely feel that I am paying for my sins. No question there. Mrs. Lion, particularly 2.0, gives a very good spanking. I’m not entirely sure why I feel the pain and taste the soap, but don’t feel humiliated. I should, but somehow I don’t.

That doesn’t mean my lioness is doing anything wrong. I’m sure she isn’t. I should be embarrassed, but I’m not. It could be that I’m somehow making myself feel in control. I know I’m not. It’s been a long time since I could stop a spanking when I felt too much pain. I can’t do that any more and I know it.

Maybe, in the case of spanking and even mouth soaping, I feel a sense of ownership. They, like most things we do, were my idea and request. I think I have to let go and understand that while I may be the original author, the control is completely in Mrs. Lion’s hands.

On the other hand, I am definitely embarrassed when she paints my nails and when I parade around the house in a wet diaper. The painted nails along with some reading are what got me to the subject of panties and bras. Both are way outside my macho comfort zone. Come to think of it, maybe that’s the issue with spanking. I don’t feel like a little boy being punished. I feel like a man who is paying the price for an infraction. As long as I can retain that macho, grown-man feeling, punishments will never humiliate me. I’ll take them like a man, er lion.

Perhaps there is something we can do to encourage me to feel the same humiliation I feel with my toenails painted when I am spanked or mouth soaped. Maybe, on some level, Mrs. Lion has been protecting me from embarrassment. I don’t think she does it on purpose, but she loves me a lot and I think she tries to administer the pain without humiliating me in the process. I don’t really know if that’s true. I’ve never really seen adult spanking outside a play party. And, at those I avoided females spanking males. I much preferred to watch men spanking women. That’s also what I did at those parties; I spanked women.

I don’t think that Mrs. Lion dislikes humiliating me. She takes great pleasure at my reaction to getting my toenails painted. She says things to me that make me blush. “Your nails are so pretty,” and similar girly things. She seems to like my reactions. I wonder if that same atmosphere would change my reaction to the standard punishments I receive? I also wonder if extending the girly stuff would further humble me.

Apparently, I’m wired to want to be humiliated. It’s hard for me not to judge myself for feeling this way. Publicly admitting these feelings here doesn’t embarrass me. It just feels right that I keep telling the story of how enforced chastity and domestic discipline is becoming part of my life. Clearly, my subconscious is being freed to release some of my deepest, darkest needs.