Month: January 2018 (Page 3)

Cave woman
This is the male fantasy of a dominant woman. The reality is that to even start to meet his desire, she has a long, hard road to do it.

I’ve often heard that women are far less visual than men when it comes to sexual arousal. Popular opinion claims women don’t respond strongly to visual stimulus and we males do. In some interesting studies (” What Do Women Want?”New York Times) this isn’t true. Objective, physical measurements – vaginal blood flow and penile growth – showed that women responded physically to sexual images as much as men. However, the women’s subjective reporting frequently disagreed with their bodies. They reported little or no arousal while their vaginas strongly disagreed.

I was less interested in what turned them on than the disagreement between mind and vagina. Reporting lack of interest in sexual images may be cultural. Women are supposed to be unaroused by visual stimuli. Similarly, they are expected to allow men to take the lead and avoid hurting men (“The Female Price of Male Pleasure”,” The Week“), even it if hurts them.

This conditioned gap between male and female sexual perceptions and behaviors creates challenges to a woman who is asked to take charge sexually. She is asked to consider her own pleasure, or at least not consider his. He wants her to hurt him physically. He wants her to make him do things he doesn’t like.

That’s what it appears to be on the surface. The male submissive fantasies specify pain and denial. Obedience to a dominant woman is extremely arousing to a man who wants to be submissive. Even a very strong woman could easily have problems with this.

I won’t go into the obvious societal role models being a dominant woman violates. That much is obvious. Less obvious are the strong emotional values that were revealed in the disconnect between physical arousal and mental reactions to sexual situations (ibid: “NY Times”). Women are conditioned to accept pain as a part of sex (ibid: “The Week”). They find it difficult to accept that they can inflict pain as part of sex.

This discomfort with giving the male pain extends to other sexual activities as well, like locking a penis in a chastity device. If she knows he wants this discomfort, she may be willing to do it. But she will be uncomfortable if she feels he would be unhappy with his bondage under some conditions. I think this is one reason Mrs. Lion reacts negatively when I propose traveling in a chastity device. It’s just too much.

Inflicting pain is another difficult change. It took a long time for Mrs. Lion to get comfortable giving me painful spankings. She’s very good at that now. However, she still has limits. That’s a good thing, though her limits are currently below mine. I’m very sure that eventually she will test my boundaries and make me learn to take more. It just takes time to internalize that the pain, while real, is what I want and not wrong.

Another area of challenge is learning what is safe. I spent many years teaching BDSM safety. In all the time I was responsible for training and dungeon monitoring, I only had one case where the top, a woman, went too far for safety. Tops need to learn what activities are safe, but they are generally unwilling to even approach the point when an activity, like spanking, would inflict real damage.

Becoming a dominant woman is far more complex than role reversal. It requires her to get in touch with her own sexual boundaries. The second, more difficult challenge is to overcome the taboo of inflicting pain.

We males need to understand that if our partners are willing to make the changes needed to dominate us, that they will need time and understanding to do this.

I have to admit I sometimes overreact to Lion’s posts. He’ll say ABC and I don’t mind B or C but A sets me off. This morning’s post about the cage is a good example. I read it and my brain realized what he was saying. At least part of it did. The logical (I guess) part of my brain knew he meant that he didn’t want to be in charge of when he wears the cage. The other part (I don’t know how to classify it) started running with “he’s saying if he wears the cage again it will be his way or no way.”

There are relatively new rides in amusement parks now that use a screen and motion to make you feel like you’re flying or on an actual roller coaster when, in fact, you’re strapped into a seat that goes no higher than 10 feet off the ground. I don’t care what you tell yourself, your brain will think you’re heading up that steep incline, slowing and then suddenly sailing straight down the other side. The logical side says, “No way. We’re just dangling here in midair.” The other side says, “I know what the eyes and inner ears are reporting. We are moving! Danger! Danger!”

My brain did the same thing with the post. Logic said, “Good point, Lion.” The other side said, “Nope. He’s trying to be in charge. Danger! Danger!” And then the part that’s sure I’m doing everything wrong panicked. Once that happens it takes a little while before the logical side can regain control. Sometimes it requires Lion to snap me out of it. When he asked what I thought of the post I said I didn’t think I agreed with his terms. I don’t want him to be locked in the cage 24/7/365 even on business trips. And why can’t he be locked away when I say he should be locked away and wild when I say he should be wild? He said that was exactly his point. He doesn’t want to be the one in charge of when he’s locked up. Oh. Yeah. I do remember reading that part. Welcome back, logic. I’ve missed you.

Wearing a chastity device is clearly my thing. Mrs. Lion has said that if I want to wear it, she would put it back on me. I got the feeling that if I then decide I am tired of it, she would unlock me. She doesn’t see that it has any particular value in our power exchange.

I agree. Its ostensible purpose is to prevent me from getting sexual satisfaction unless she provides it. I’m well past the point of masturbating on my own. I’ve been unlocked more than six months and I haven’t felt tempted to get myself off. I do get hard now and then. I like that. But I have no serious interest in unauthorized ejaculation.

I can’t explain this. Even when I was severely horny, when I was teased, but not allowed to come for 28 days, I wasn’t tempted. Almost four years of continuous lockup seems to have conditioned me to get sexual satisfaction exclusively from my lioness. I’m not sure how she feels about this. I wonder if my conditioning pleases her. She’s never said.

I’m trained and that’s it. I would have a hard time changing. This brings up a critical male chastity premise: A male will get sexual satisfaction without his partner unless physically restrained. I’m sure there are guys who actually need to be locked up to avoid “mistakes”. I wonder how their partners feel about this.

The essence of our power exchange is my surrender. Yes, I accept punishment for failing to obey one of Mrs. Lion’s rules. I don’t try to break a rule. I feel strongly that the essence of our agreement is my willing submission. Punishment is used to focus my attention on changes I need to make. It isn’t meant to be an activity to correct willful disobedience.

My fantasies have me resisting authority and then strongly disciplined for my disobedience. In my mind this is very hot. However, in real life it hasn’t turned out that way. I find myself working hard to obey, even when I truly hate what I have to do.

In any case, wearing a chastity device has no place in our power exchange. If Mrs. Lion wants to punish me by withholding sexual attention, the device isn’t necessary to keep me from taking things into my own hands. I won’t do that. She knows I won’t. It would be a serious betrayal if I did.

I think I want to be locked up. But if I control whether or not I’m caged, it feels a little silly to me. The only real value the device could have would come if once locked up, I lose the ability to be unlocked. Even though wearing a cage is unimportant to Mrs. Lion, she would have to strictly enforce my lockup for it to satisfy my fantasy.

If Mrs. Lion locks me up, I want the chastity to be strict. Since I have a comfortable nylon device, I could remain locked even when I travel. I want that. My thought is that since being caged is something I might want (I’m still not sure I don’t want to stay wild), once locked up, I lose any chance to be wild when unsupervised. If I get an emergency key, I want it to be as inaccessible as possible.

It’s a tricky situation. I would only be caged because I ask for it. This is no different than when we first started and Mrs. Lion locked me up. The tricky part is that since she has no real investment in whether or not I wear a device, she would have to decide to make it important. Only when being caged is as important to her as the rest of our power exchange, would it reach me as something I might have wanted, but now she owns.

Well, that’s how I think about all this. Just as I wrote over four years ago, once Mrs. Lion agrees to lock me up, I lose any ability to control the device’s use. The keys are hidden from me. The lockup can’t be symbolic with the key sitting on Mrs. Lion’s nightstand. For me, at least, it needs to be real. That’s why I don’t want an emergency key. I want to feel that I have absolutely no way to release myself.

That’s my view. The reason I get excited about being caged is that It prevents any way for me to access my penis. Any ability to get the key destroys that. For me, at least, as long as I have any ability to unlock myself, the feeling of bondage isn’t the same.

paddle
It may seem like BDSM, but we’ve learned it really works!

Change is a sneaky critter. It often bites you when your attention is elsewhere. My focus on our FLR with discipline has been on how things happen. I’ve looked at the intensity, or lack of it, of my punishments. I’ve thought about the implications of not wearing a chastity device. I’ve considered how submissive I do or don’t feel. The one thing I haven’t looked at is the objective results of our power exchange.

We are starting our fifth year in this adventure. There’s been a lot of progress. In the early years, it was about what we wanted and how we could do it. You can read back posts to learn about our trials and tribulations. Most of them were about technique. I admit that I missed the most significant aspect of our power exchange: it’s working.

I have a few rules. I’m not to spill food on my shirt. I have to wait for Mrs. Lion to eat before I do. I’m not to interrupt. I’m to be naked at home, and I may never masturbate. The food-spilling rule was designed to give us numerous chances to observe an infraction and then punish it. It worked very well that way. I was punished almost every week. I’m not the neatest eater.

That’s changed. I didn’t consciously set out to avoid getting food on my shirt. I never wanted to do that. It just seemed to happen. Weeks can go by without a spill. Similarly, again without conscious effort, I wait for Mrs. Lion to eat first or give me permission to start. I rarely miss. Weeks can go by without a punishment. It isn’t because Mrs. Lion isn’t observant. She is. I’m just not breaking those rules.

I don’t think it’s fear of punishment. Mrs. Lion’s spankings sting but are short and well within my ability to manage them. Apparently that doesn’t matter. They are effective. I’m being conditioned to follow my rules. The key is consistent enforcement. I think that the spankings focus my attention on my error. I subconsciously want to correct it; and I do. I’m being trained!

This was my fantasy. But I never imagined reality could actually fulfill it. It did without my conscious help. Holy crap!

I havn’t needed correction for being naked at home. I just can’t imagine anything else.

I don’t masturbate. I haven’t since January 2014 when I did it while Mrs. Lion watched. I’ve wanted to do it, but I don’t. It’s conditioned out of my sexual vocabulary.

I have one rule that isn’t enforced: interrupting. I still do it. Again, it isn’t conscious disobedience. I just do it.

I think our current state is Lions 2.0. We’ve successfully proven enforced chastity and FLR with discipline. I’m very surprised at how successful we are. It’s time to consider 3.0. This, in my view, is where we use the proven techniques to further enhance my behavior and obedience.

Now that punishment is fairly rare, I suggest that when I do need it, Mrs. Lion should be much more severe. I think that dialing up intensity will have two benefits: it will provide me with a much more memorable experience and should speed conditioning, and it will improve my ability to submit.

Lioness 3.0 might want to enforce interrupting with the same consistency she has shown dealing with my other rules. I really want to be conditioned to stop doing this. It will help me in a lot of situations outside of home.

Speaking of severity, I think it’s time to deal much more severely with repeat offenses. There’s no question that over time I will “forget” a rule now and then. I’m not suggesting those offenses get the most severe punishment. They just need a strong reminder to recharge my obedience. However, repeating an offense only a short time after being corrected needs much more serious attention.

That is a big change for us. I’m curious to see how that will change the way I am trained. I’ve read that this is the traditional way to handle such things. I suggest we find out if it works for us. I also suggest that we consider some new rules to further refine my behavior. Mrs. Lion and I can discuss possibilities.

It’s fair to consider the end game of all this. Is the objective to turn me into a obedient submissive who surrenders decisions to his partner? I don’t think so. Neither of us wants this. Should we consider my training a serious part of our relationship? I have mixed feelings here. In my view from the bottom, I think that the FLR with discipline needs to be treated seriously. After all, we don’t want that to be our BDSM play. But I don’t want this to make or break for our marriage.

If, for some reason, we decide to stop or reduce the level of 3.0’s authority, I don’t want that to hurt our relationship. We will be together for the rest of our lives. I suspect that the paddle and punishments will always be there too. We have passed the point of no return. But our love is first. Anything else is a poor second.

Note: I had not read Mrs. Lion’s post for yesterday when I wrote this. She hadn’t seen mine either. Great minds.