So What Bowl

New England Patriots vs New Orleans Saints preseason game 1, August 9, 2012.

Today is the Super Bowl. We hate both teams. It’s not an uninteresting game like it would be if Kansas City were playing Miami, as an example. We don’t care about either of those teams. Today’s game is about choosing the lesser of two evils. And to us, they are both evil.

Lion and I like the same football team: the New York Giants. They’re in the same division as the Philadelphia Eagles. As required, we hate the other teams in our division. However, Lion hates the Eagles more than the other two teams. I hate the Cowboys more. We both agree that the New England Patriots are a cheating team that deserves to lose. But here’s where the “problem” lies. Lion hates the Eagles so much he’s considering rooting for the Patriots. I hate the Patriots so much I’m considering rooting for the Eagles. It leaves a bitter taste in both our mouths.

I was contemplating some sort of punishment system so Lion would get swats for every point the Patriots score if he does actually root for them. The issue with that is they could keep scoring and Lion’s butt could be bloody. And it’s not something he can control anyway. It’s not fair to punish him for something he has nothing to do with. It would be like punishing him for every time someone cut me off on the road. No, that’s not a good system. I will, however, be keeping an eye out for spilled food or his interrupting. That’s a given. Those are actual rules.

I think we’ll just watch the game and complain about both teams. We’ll enjoy the commercials and ignore the halftime show. We’ll eat our traditional nachos. And when the game is over, the most hated team will have won. No matter who it is.

[Lion — I think it might be fun to make the Superbowl a sort of spanking game. We never play sexy games. Getting swatted every time the time I don’t root for scores a point will provide some stake in a game that neither of us feels we have. If I root for the Patriots (shudder), a swat for each Eagle point could be fun, especially if they are administered at the time the points are scored.]

[Mrs. Lion — I’ve reconsidered the parameters. Lion will get swats whenever either team scores and whenever a flag is thrown.]

What do you think?