Month: February 2018 (Page 2)

When I first started reading Lion’s post for this morning, I thought he was going to steal my thunder. I’ve been thinking about putting him back in a collar. One of his Box O’Fun options is having his hands tied. They won’t be tied. We have various designs of cuffs. But I was thinking it would be good to be able to affix his hands to his collar. But first I had to find a collar.

I forget if I mentioned that my son is near here for training for two weeks. Depending on his schedule, he thinks he’ll be able to spend a night or two with us. With that in mind, I needed to clean our spare bedroom. The bonus is that a lot of toys were hiding in there. The blindfold and the collars, some dildos, some paddles, etc.

I dragged all sorts of stuff out of that room. No blindfold and three collars, although not the collar I was looking for. I know that spare bedroom seemed like a black hole. We’d throw stuff in there when he didn’t know what else to do with it and it just swallowed it right up. I never imagined it would swallow up the blindfold completely. And where is his red collar? Clearly we have another black hole somewhere.

While Lion was in the shower I decided to see what blindfolds Extreme Restraints have. I found one with a Velcro closure. My thinking was that if I ordered one, the other one would magically appear. That happens a lot. I figured once the other one showed up we’d have a blindfold for the camper too. I also ordered an ostrich feather tickler. Lion loves to have his balls tickled as I edge him. Ironically, when I told Lion about my purchase he said he ordered a blindfold too. With Velcro closure. From Extreme Restraints. Sometimes we’re on the same page. Other times it seems we’re not even in the same book. Oh well.

As I said, I found three collars. There was a black leather locking collar, an extremely soft might-have-been-red-once orange collar and a burgundy collar with “LION” written on it. I told Lion of my plans to connect his cuffed hands to a collar and he put the collar on. No matter how comfortable a collar feels, it’s not the easiest thing to get used to wearing. By bed time he was asking if his neck was red. It wasn’t but I figured he’d had the collar on long enough. I’ll have him wear it for longer and longer bursts of time so it will become comfortable and part of his wardrobe.

Yesterday afternoon, Mrs. Lion decided I will wear a collar. This is the one I am wearing now. In the past she has let me take it off when it got a bit uncomfortable. She’s much stricter now. I will have to get used to it.

Daisy is our five-year-old golden retriever. We’ve had her since she was eight weeks old. She’s always worn a collar. That’s not different than most dogs. When we need to update her rabies tag or when she gets a bath, her collar has to come off. She hates that. She gets very insecure and hides while nervously wagging her tail. She clearly believes her collar is a needed part of her.

We’ve always been a little amused by her bond with her collar. She’s the first dog we’ve had who formed an attachment to her collar. Then, on Saturday I realized that’s she and I aren’t that different. Mrs. Lion unlocked me for play on Friday night. She told me that I would be wild until Saturday. I liked the idea. For a while it felt really nice. It was as though my penis belonged to me once again.

Then, on Saturday morning, it felt like something was missing. I reached down and the familiar chastity device wasn’t there. I missed it. Really? Yup, I missed it. During the day as we ran our errands, I forgot I wasn’t wearing the cage. Under my pants, there is very little change in sensation when the cage is on. When we got home and I undressed (I’m always naked at home), I realized the cage was missing. I didn’t feel the anxiety that Daisy appears to feel when her collar is off, but I was a little uncomfortable.

Saturday night, Mrs. Lion locked me up again. It felt good. Yesterday morning I was awake and lying on my back in bed. I noticed the weight of the device, The sensation was comforting. I like it better when the cage is in place. It isn’t a very strong need to be locked up, but I clearly prefer it.

It’s too easy to believe that I want the cage because I need to feel Mrs. Lion’s ownership of my penis. I don’t believe that for a second. The answer is far more basic. Years of continuous wear has conditioned me to believe on a very deep level that the chastity device is a necessary part of me. This conditioning doesn’t depend on how I feel about Mrs. Lion owning my cock or how I feel about our power exchange. On some level, I need her to keep it locked up.

The concept of her owning my cock is an intellectual construct that we both subscribe to. We both believe that she has taken ownership of that part of my body. That’s the result of her continuously controlling my penis for more than four years. It feels “right” to both of us that she should own it. It’s that simple. I’d like to claim we both subscribe to some sexual fantasy about owning my penis. We don’t. It’s just a reality borne of her acting like she owned it all these years. Now, she actually does.

My emotional dependence on the physical cage and Mrs. Lion’s belief that my penis is hers, are making subtle changes in our behavior. She has told me that she wants me locked all the time that she isn’t interacting with my penis. In practice, she usually lets me remain wild after being unlocked for an hour or two. Sometimes she forgets I am wild. She wants me to remind her if that happens. I want to remind her. I want my cage back on. It belongs there.

It’s true that I went through eight months of being wild. Initially, I was in too much pain to care about my penis at all. I grew used to being wild. However, even though I was unlocked, it never crossed my mind to masturbate. It’s been too long since my last opportunity to jerk off in 2013. I don’t miss it. I don’t even think about doing it.

Being wild doesn’t really remove any temptation for me. It’s just that I need my cage. I can live without it just as Daisy can do well without her collar. It’s just that we are both happier with them in place. It makes the world right again.

Why don’t I feel like I’m in charge sometimes? Consider this morning. The dog woke me up from a sound sleep at 7-something. Of course I’m the one she wakes up. I’m the one who wakes up. I manage to get back to sleep only to be woken up an hour or so later. This time Lion is awake too. It appears we’re both awake for good. The dog won’t go out. I go crawl in bed again and ask Lion if he’s hungry. He says no and asks if I am. When I say no he says he’ll make the French toast in a little bit when we’re hungry. I specifically asked if Lion was hungry rather than asking if he was making the French toast or if I was because of our issue with pancakes for dinner. He said I didn’t want to make the pancakes because I asked which one of us should make it. I was perfectly happy to make the pancakes then and I would have made the French toast this morning.

Lion rolled back over, I assume, to go back to sleep. I’m awake. I decide to go downstairs to check email and maybe start my post. A few minutes later Lion is up making breakfast. Okay. Maybe I was wrong. He wasn’t going back to sleep. Then he’s snarkily asking if I’m coming upstairs to breakfast or if I’m staying downstairs all day. I was downstairs maybe a half hour.

When I tell him I thought he was going back to sleep he says he was but apparently it was time to get up. I often go downstairs while he sleeps. It’s never signaled anything before. He said he assumed I was going to the kitchen to make breakfast. Why would I have made breakfast if he was going back to sleep? Because apparently it was time to get up. I feel like we’re Abbott and Costello.

[Lion — That’s not exactly the way I remember it. When I noticed Mrs. Lion had gone downstairs and our dog had decided  I needed to be awake too, I got up and made breakfast. I wasn’t being snarky. I had said that I was cooking french toast today.]

For some reason we’ve been passive-aggressive toward each other lately. I feel like I need to walk on eggshells so I don’t incite anything. I’m not sure what’s going on. I’m not trying to aggravate him. I do snark back when I’m feeling particularly attacked. I suppose in a female led marriage with domestic discipline I should just grab a paddle and start swinging but I’m not inclined to do that if there’s something going on other than toddler behavior. If the butt-whomping a little over a week ago really had an effect, shouldn’t this type of behavior have stopped? Am I doing something that elicits his behavior? Obviously we can’t talk in the midst of our Abbott and Costello routine. We’ll have to find another time to talk.

We spent yesterday running errands. It wasn’t all running around. Mrs. Lion had time to write her post and play some games on her PC. I relaxed and watched some reruns of “Law and Order SVU”. It wasn’t productive but it was nice. My interest in sex has been pretty low. Maybe this is just one of my periodic slowdowns. They seem to be coming more frequently lately. I don’t think it is stress from work. That’s calmed down for the time being; and I do love my job.

I admit that the lack of play has been due to me. We have been snuggling. That’s more important than sex. I was allowed to be wild from Friday night to last night. Then, as announced, the cage was locked in place again.

Mrs. Lion was talking with me in the car last night. She mentioned that her friends at work talked about who was in charge at home. I don’t remember if she told them that she was. But she told me that sometimes she doesn’t feel like she is in charge. She didn’t elaborate so I’m not sure when that happens.

It’s not surprising. Transitioning from acceptance to leadership is a long and difficult process. We’ve celebrated (not sure that is exactly the right word, at least for me) two milestones: She spanked me for saying things that annoyed her. And, she admitted that she feels ownership of my penis. The second was brought on by my return to a chastity device. Both signal the budding of a new phase in our relationship.

The next step, in my opinion, is when she starts to feel those lapses in her authority, she will take immediate steps to restore her confidence. I imagine her paddle will be part of that process.

Living with me isn’t all that easy. I admit that I am headstrong and very used to my position as king of beasts. Taming me isn’t the easiest occupation Mrs. Lion could have.

I’ve worried that this shift of power could  hurt our relationship. At the very least, during the transition, there is discomfort on both sides. So far, we both agree that things seem to be moving in the right direction. But there is a risk that discomfort with the change could manifest itself in distance between us. To avoid this, we both have to be honest with our feelings. I think we have been so far.

I hope that Mrs. Lion will continue to stay on top of how I affect her. She worries too much about being fair. I don’t expect fairness. I expect her to use her position as disciplining wife to punish me if she feels anything is bothering her about us. Extra punishments for me are actually good for both of us. It’s the same sort of conditioning we both have about rule breaking. There is no longer any hesitation about punishing me for breaking a rule. A spill on my shirt always means a red butt.

The same sort of reflexive discipline is what I think we need when Mrs. Lion has even a twinge of feeling she is not in charge. It doesn’t matter what the cause may be. It only matters that she needs to reinforce her authority. The only way she can do that is by punishing me. I know that she will think there are better ways that involve her “just changing”. I believe that internalizing is the last thing that will help.

Even though I don’t appear to deserve it, I’m suggesting that the paddle comes out when she feels that loss of authority. This isn’t a matter of fairness. It’s a training exercise is letting feelings out. My bottom can handle it.