It’s been more than ten days since I last posted. I’ve been in bed the entire time. This is the first time I’ve spent any real time in a sitting position. I’m still coughing and find myself needing a snooze now and then. I’m not over what ever I have, but enough is enough. I can usually tell when I am recovering: I want to go places and do things. I guess sitting at my desk and writing is a good sign.
My interest in sex generally returns before I have any serious ability to do anything about it. I experienced the first springlike stirrings between my legs today too. It isn’t that I’m ready to ask Mrs. Lion to do anything about it. I don’t want sexual attention. Over the last ten days I had no interest in anything sexual: no horny thoughts and no morning wood. At one point I wondered if my libido had finally died. Apparently it hasn’t.
I knew things were bad when I read Julie’s incredibly hot post featuring her giving her husband a golden shower. It took three sessions to get through her post. I kept needing to sleep. A lion needs sickroom reading! Incredibly, I wasn’t aroused. Now, that’s serious! I love Julie and her writing. The golden shower she describes is a long-held fantasy of mine. I am always turned on thinking about it. But not this time. It had nothing to do with Julie’s writing skill. For me, it was a reliable indicator that my libido was gone.
Her post describes one of my deepest, darkest fantasies. It isn’t that I think it is too kinky. Me think that? Hah! I’ve provided lots of golden showers to appreciative women. It’s something else; something that I wonder if I would hate if actually experiencing it. On the other hand, that, in itself, isn’t a big deal. It’s taken me a long time to willingly accept anal visitors of some size. That hurts. It may have more to do with taste as a part of sex. I don’t know.
The subject isn’t very interesting to me today. It’s just that when I was completely free of any sexual interest at all, my aversion to turning this particular fantasy to reality, was easier to analyze without any sexual noise. It may have a lot to do with the surrender that this particular activity means to me. It’s intensely personal. Well, of course, all of this stuff is. But the invasion of my mouth and the taboo activity I have to accept makes it hot to think about and equally difficult to consider actually doing.
Anyway, now that my libido is awakening, such analytical thoughts will drift into the mists. However, I believe there is an insight into what my deepest, inner self is protecting. It could be that my mouth is my most fiercely guarded submissive portal. I’m not ready to admit it, but it may also be the mother lode in terms of my ultimate sexual arousal.