Yesterday, Mrs. Lion’s post was about an incident years ago that she imagines might be the reason she wanted me locked up during her trip. This incident is the only truly disturbing event in our marriage.
In her post, Mrs. Lion reports that one morning she woke me very early to tell me that she was going to drive hundreds of miles to see her kids who were camping in Oregon. That’s the first disconnect. I have no memory of being awakened and given that news. When I actually got up, she was gone. She never left without letting me know her plans. I was very worried.
I tried to call her on her cell phone. No answer. After many hours and still no trace of her, I was near panic. Finally over 10 hours later she answered her phone. According to my memory, for the first time she told me that her ex husband and kids were camping in Oregon and she drove to see them. It was an eight hour drive. I asked her why she didn’t tell me. She answered that she was afraid I wouldn’t want her to go. So, rather than risk an argument or not go, she took off without telling me.
She wrote that I was jealous she was going back to her ex. I wasn’t. I was terrified that she decided to leave me. She’s told me about other times she’d done this sort of thing in her prior marriage. Justified or not, I was sure that was also happening to me. I wasn’t jealous of her ex. I was afraid she decided to go off on an adventure that took her out of my life.
The actual event: her leaving in the early morning and being incommunicado for the day are facts we both acknowledge. In retrospect, now that I know where she went, I know I wasn’t threatened. That doesn’t mean we reached closure. I, at least, haven’t. I’m haunted by the, “I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to go” comment. I’m not worried that is still true. She is way past that point. She makes plans without consulting me. But she always informs me of what she is thinking of doing. I’m never surprised.
The scenario as I remember it has her desperately wanting to see her kids and that she needed to run away to make it happen. That is a very negative view of me. I hope that’s changed. That particular pattern was one she developed in her former marriage. Maybe this was a hangover from it.
I will still panic if she isn’t home when I expect her. Neither of us goes off without informing the other. Even if it’s just to have a drink with the “girls” after work, Mrs. Lion informs me. She knows I worry. I, of course, do the same for her.
I’m sure she is over her earlier pattern of taking off. What surprised me in her post was that she remembers telling me she was going. Maybe she did and I was asleep. Or maybe she doesn’t want to remember saying that she was afraid I would stop her.
Of course this is ancient history. The feelings are still fresh in my mind. I don’t panic easily. I used to run master control at a major network. But in this case, I was sure my world had just fallen apart.
It’s interesting that she thinks the reason she wanted me locked in a chastity device, and send her pictures, is that she was giving me a sort of emotional pacifier. The cage was to reassure me that I’m still hers. It’s not a bad idea. I didn’t understand it that way. To me, it’s a way to stay connected on a very primal level. I love that connection.
For the record, I have no hard feelings about the incident all those years ago. I can still call up how frightened I was at the time. It was one of the most frightening days of my life.
[Mrs. Lion – Lion and I have vastly different recollections of that day.]