Generally, I avoid debates over terminology. But there is one term that confuses me, FLR or Female Led Relationship. That may seem odd since Mrs. Lion and I are in one. Let me explain.
A FLR is most broadly a relationship between a man and woman where the woman is in charge. Fair enough. Is that what Mrs. Lion and I have? It depends. In my mind, a female led relationship is one where the man surrenders all decision making to his partner, who happens in this case, to be a woman. All decision making?
Does that mean he has his job deposit his salary into her bank account? Does she give him an allowance? Does she pay the bills and make all purchasing decisions? Or, does it mean that she makes rules for him to follow and punishes him if he doesn’t. Does she control their sex life? Oh, wait! Isn’t that enforced male chastity?
In our case, I pay the bills and manage my bank account. Mrs. Lion manages hers. We collaborate on life decisions. We both do household chores. From the domestic side, we have a solid, working partnership. Yet, we believe we have a female led relationship.
Mrs. Lion has absolute control over my sex life. She and she alone decides if and when I will get release. When she wants me to ejaculate, she does the work to make it happen. She makes behavioral rules for me and punishes me if I break them. In the past, her role would be defined as dominatrix. It’s true that we don’t have “scenes” in the BDSM sense in terms of my obedience. I’m always accountable and subject to punishment. We do have them when we play.
I suspect that many, if not most, people in FLR’s are similar to us. It seems to me that FLR may be a new, more palatable label for female domination. Don’t get me wrong, I do see that FLR is much broader than a femdom scene. That doesn’t mean it’s not virtually the same thing.
It’s no accident that enforced male chastity and FLR’s are largely instigated by men. We fantasize about them and may ask our partners to take them on. As I wrote the other day (post is here), enforced male chastity is more about increased sexual attention for the man than anything else. FLR is similar.
In our FLR(D) (ours includes physical punishment), Mrs. Lion is much more aware of my behavior than she was before we started. The reason I wanted to start was to assure that she had a loud voice in our relationship. I don’t need her to prevent me from straying or doing stupid things. I need her to help us grow. I know that if she actively enforces my attention to her wants and needs, nothing will fester under the surface. At least, that’s been my theory.
In practice, so far it’s been more BDSM. That’s not surprising. Rules like waiting to eat until Mrs. Lion starts or not spilling food on my shirt, have no emotional risk attached. They could be part of a scene. My punishments always feature spanking, another BDSM activity. It’s taken a long time for the actual punishments to be truly disciplinary and not “play”. That’s not to say that I haven’t felt Mrs. Lion’s displeasure. I have. But it took time for her to be comfortable hurting me enough to teach me a lesson.
Does this mean that our FLR is more an extended scene than an actual change in our relationship? No, I don’t think so. Like anything that lasts, we had to begin with baby steps. It was a big change for us to introduce punishment in our marriage. It’s a giant change for Mrs. Lion to feel justified in punishing me for doing things she doesn’t like. Let’s face it, she isn’t wounded if I eat first or get salsa on my shirt. She is upset if I interrupt her or make her feel I know more than her. When she punishes me for those behaviors, our FLR will move from the playroom to real life.
That hasn’t happened yet. There’s no guarantee it ever will. Is what we are doing now leading a FLR or is it female domination? You could argue this ether way. That’s not my point. Would we have been as successful if we called enforced male chastity and FLR, female domination? Could it be that FLR and enforced male chastity are both more politically correct ways of referring to femdom?
I think that it’s fair to say that Mrs. Lion is dominating me in the BDSM sense. We both know that. It’s also fair to say that we take things in a different direction than classic BDSM scenes. Our intention is to improve specific, well-understood areas of our marriage through FLR and enforced male chastity.
We’re poised on the edge of making our FLR more meaningful. Yes, we will continue with the rules that earn me spankings. We both get value from them. I think I will begin to feel it when I displease Mrs. Lion with thoughtless behavior. Calling me out and punishing me for interrupting her or disregarding her thoughts or feelings is very difficult for her. She knows I submissively accept punishment for our agreed-upon rules. I think she is worried I won’t be so docile if there is emotional investment in her enforcement.
I’m sure that it will be difficult for us both in the beginning. I’m committed to seeing us succeed. Even when we’ve taken this step, isn’t FLR still a lifestyle sort of female domination? It may be, but I think the terminology is important in this case. Femdom is about sexual domination and submission. It exists for itself. There need not be any redeeming value in the practice. It’s consensual sexual fun. FLR’s, at least ours, has many of the same elements as the BDSM femdom scenes, but underlying the activities is a sincere desire to use these femdom things as tools to bring us closer and improve our love and communication. That’s what FLR means to us.