Boner Shy

You hear an awful lot about how guys obsess over their penis size. Speaking strictly for myself, I never gave it a great deal of thought. That’s not to say I’m not curious about it, but not for the reason you might think.

A hard cock is indisputable evidence that a man is sexually aroused. There’s a very big difference between being naked among other people and being naked and aroused among those same people. Women, with their interior plumbing, have to be massively hot before there’s any visible sign that they are in heat.

Every guy growing up experiences unwelcome erections. I can remember sitting in a classroom and for absolutely no reason getting a massive erection. Of course, it pushed my pants out in front of me and made my condition visible to anyone who cared to watch. This was very embarrassing. If you’re a guy you know what I mean.

I’ve never had a problem with nudity. I spent my teenage years in a boys boarding school and communal showers and locker rooms were the norm. I don’t remember anyone sporting an erection in the shower. Had anybody done that, the teasing would have been immediate and gone on forever.

I think you see where this is going. A lot of those feelings stay with us as adults. It’s embarrassing to be naked when others are dressed. This is a common fantasy that sometimes comes true in BDSM scenes. It’s much more humiliating to be hard under those conditions.

I remember some years ago having a conversation with a BDSM play partner. She came from California and I was from New York. In New York, parties and clubs didn’t include sex with BDSM. Occasionally, a guy would be masturbated by his top as part of the scene. It happened to me more than once. But generally, sex was not included.

My California friend invited me to a party. She told me that erections were very welcome in her circle. When she said that I was embarrassed. This is amazingly irrational, since she was one of the people who masturbated me in a scene at a public party. Still, the idea that my hard penis would be encouraged, made me blush.

That’s one way we males are irrational about our dingdongs. Another way I am really irrational is the way I perceive my penis in relation to the rest of my body. When I am aroused it feels like my penis is the most prominent part of me. It’s not so much that I think it’s gigantic; it’s not. It’s just that it feels like it’s my visual center. I believe it’s the first thing anyone will notice. When I look down at it, it appears just enormous to me. It’s this very big thing sticking out of my body.

I suppose that in a way we’re right. There’s something naughty about peeking at somebody’s sex organs. I’m pretty sure that an erection would be the first thing folks would notice if I were nude and had one. But it doesn’t mean that the actual body part covers a disproportionate percentage of my surface area, so to speak.

Most women experience men displaying their penises as shows of pride. Look how big I am! Don’t I turn you on? This could be true in a sexual situation where a guy is addressing a potential or actual sex partner. But in the context of that party, almost everyone there is not a potential sex partner and isn’t sharing the vulnerability of nudity, much less sexual arousal.

Intellectually, I know that what I’m doing is appropriate in the context of the party. On a deeper level, I feel humiliated and embarrassed. The more embarrassed I feel, the more prominent I believe my penis is. I feel like there’s a spotlight on it that follows me through the room. Some of the guests give it a friendly pet or two. It feels good but adds to my humiliation. I’m not used to strangers playing with my penis.

This is really hot stuff. I’ve been to parties where this is happened. Personally I’ve never been in that position. Part of me would really like it. My point, however, has nothing to do with party exposure. It has to do with the way we perceive our penises. Since they offer incontrovertible evidence of sexual arousal, sporting an erection admits something we may not want to share with the world at large.

I may want my sexual partner to know I’m turned on, but I don’t really want other people to know. External sex organs carry some challenges that may make it difficult for people with internal sex organs to understand. For all intents and purposes when I am sexually aroused, anyone who can see me will know it. If Mrs. Lion is sexually aroused, even I won’t know it unless she tells me or lets me use a finger to find out for myself. It’s this public visibility that is at the root of my perception of my penis being so prominent.

Even though I’ve measured it quite a bit, I still have no visceral sense of how big I am down there. Normally, I have a good idea about the size of things. I have a blind spot about measurements between my legs. Yes I know, my erect penis is about 6 inches long and one and three-quarter inches in diameter. I can draw life-size images. I even have a dildo Mrs. Lion cast from my penis. I still can’t internalize what it means.

I suppose I can say something is larger or smaller than my penis. But I can’t feel the proportion of my erection against the rest of me. When I’m hard it feels enormous. It’s like a flagpole signaling my sexual arousal. It’s irrational. I know that. I wonder if other guys feel the same way. Be that as it may, I’m very sure that my male anatomy makes me perceive arousal very differently from females.