Much is written about how we males are supposed to function sexually. Generally, posts about male sexuality begin with pseudo-scientific “facts” discussing everything from muscle tone to hormone levels. This is the credibility-building portion of such writing. I’m no medical expert, but from the little I know most of the stuff in this section is complete crap.
Because we have external sex organs with a built-in indicator of our interest, people are very willing to assume that we are sexually simple. Essentially, get me hard, stimulate me until I ejaculate, and then leave me alone until I’m ready again. I almost never see a reference to male emotional state as part of the sexual process.
Women tend to view themselves as sexually complex. Discussions of female sexuality go far beyond hormones and vaginal lubrication. I find it interesting that a woman can consider her own sexuality as a multi–dimensional, complex process, yet look at her mate as a simple get-him-hard and get-him off creature.
I think a lot of guys have also bought into this simplistic view of their sexuality. Even if you believe this simple physical model, if you’re male you know that all ejaculations are not created equal. I know I’ve had orgasms that were plain uncomfortable. Yes, I ejaculated but it was no fun. There were other times when I experienced volcanic orgasms and produced no semen.
The ability of a man to get an erection is very age dependent. A 20-year-old will get hard if a female is anywhere within 100 yards. A 50-year-old will need some solid stimulation to achieve his erection. There are exceptions. Men of any age can get hard by thinking “good” thoughts. But in general, achieving erection isn’t necessarily an indicator of true sexual arousal.
This is where things get a little sticky. Pretty much every definition I’ve seen of male arousal indicates that an erection is absolute evidence of arousal. In a physical sense I suppose it is. But judging from my own experience, just because I’m hard doesn’t necessarily mean I want to go any further.
From pubescence on, we males are taught that if we get hard we should work to ejaculate. It isn’t “normal” not to want to come. This puts a lot of pressure on us. Sometimes it’s just nice to have a hard-on. For example, within a reasonably short time after ejaculating, I can get hard again. But I know that it will be a long, frustrating effort for me to get off a second time. Until my refractory period has elapsed, I’m not going to have much luck.
Just as many women believe we men think foreplay is saying, “Let’s do it.” They also think that male foreplay is over when they get their men hard. Young men are certainly ready to go as soon as their erection forms. Older men are interested when they get hard, but they are far from ready to go to work.
Adding enforced male chastity into the mix complicates things further. Wearing a chastity device prevents erections. Being unlocked and then stimulated, even a little, will produce a solid erection.
I think that appropriate male foreplay should always include bringing him as close as possible to ejaculation. We call this edging. I realize that in many cases doing this will shorten the amount of time it will take for him to finally ejaculate. This could have a detrimental effect on intercourse.
Fortunately, with a little planning it’s possible to build up his interest without speeding up ejaculation. Both men and women are capable of pre-arousal. That is, intense sexual stimulation without orgasm an hour or more prior to actually going for the gold. Males will develop a larger supply of semen if this happens. Females will find themselves on a hairtrigger for arousal and potentially orgasm as well.
Somehow we’ve gotten the idea that sex is a single event with the beginning (foreplay) and an end — orgasm. The idea that this is a single, continuous process makes for very boring sex. One reason so many couples like using chastity devices is that the very wearing of the device is a sort of prolonged foreplay. It also acknowledges that sex is not just something you do after you turn off the lights and before you go to sleep.
Men are particularly susceptible to this sort of prolonged play that edging provides. Being edged turns on a switch that puts us into heat and keeps us there for some time. That doesn’t mean we will have an erection. Believe it or not, an erection is not necessary for male sexual arousal. It does mean that it will be easier to get as hard and extremely easy to get us interested in going further.
I’ve been going through a sort of dry spell. I just haven’t been able to get past a certain point of arousal. A couple of days ago Mrs. Lion finally got me all the way to the edge. She did this a few times and then stopped. It was big fun. The next night I hit the wall again and couldn’t get past that same half ready state of arousal.
She worried and felt badly that she didn’t get me off when she could. I don’t see it that way. Something’s going on with me that blocks my ability to get off. Now if you subscribe to the idea that male sexuality is strictly the trip from an erection to ejaculation, that makes no sense. I should be perfectly capable of ejaculating every time my lioness stimulates me long enough.
Men and women just aren’t that different. Emotional issues can interfere with the sexual process. In some cases, a man just can’t get hard for psychological reasons. In other cases, like mine, arousal is fairly easy but I just can’t get past the finish line. I’m pretty sure I know why I’m having this problem. I’m worrying about my health. My surgery left me with poor balance and partial loss of the use of one arm. Worse yet, I was diagnosed with glaucoma and my vision is deteriorating. I’ve lost some of my peripheral vision. That loss in turn, makes balance even more difficult.
It’s easy to just say, “Lion, get over it!” Mrs. Lion would never do that. Until the situation stabilizes or improves, it’s going to be very hard for me to forget even at times when I should be focusing on getting off. When I half-seriously refer to myself as being broken, I’m referring to these emotional issues interfering with sexual pleasure.
This is a pretty extreme case. I also hope it’s a temporary one. But I think that all of us once we get past 40 years old, will find some of the worries of the day interfering with the smooth slalom from erection to ejaculation. I don’t have any scientific information to back this up, but I think that extending the foreplay over hours is an excellent way to distract the male mind and refocus it on sexual release.
In any case, I’m sure it’s better for all of us if we stop thinking about sex as a continuous process and start thinking of it as a progression of activities that may (not usually for people like me who were in chastity devices) end up with a glorious orgasm.
There’s actually a really good recent book that systematically debunks a lot of the stereotypes about male sexuality called NOT ALWAYS IN THE MOOD. The author, Sara Hunter Murray, is a PhD trained marraige and famiily therapist who has a practice focused on sexual issues. Men’s sexuality is as complicated as womens, and the hoary myth that we’re always horny and ready to go just isn’t true.
Thanks for the reference. I think it’s really important that we all understand that male sexuality is every bit as complex as women’s.
Hello from Germany Mrs lion and Mr lion
And if you, like he says, Google for “Sex and neurotransmitters” or “orgasm and neurotransmitters” you get very interesting sites!
Most important thing for you Mr lion:
Do you know the movie “last samurai”?
Where Tom cruise is fighting and loosing all the time till the man comes to him and says: “too much thinking”, don’t think!
it’s easy to say, “don’t think”. Unfortunately, that’s not completely under voluntary control. Thanks for the advice.
I apologize for commenting on an older post, but I’m glad I found this. I understand a little about what you mean, Lion. I’m 43, but when I was in my 20s orgasms were universal for me. They felt awesome every time. 10 out of 10. Nowadays I find that they can vary like you said. Some are earth shattering, some are good, others so so, and occasionally one that’s not that great. I had to do some research to find out that this is normal for middle aged guys.
I read some of your other posts, because I had never heard of male chastity before. The closest I’ve ever come to orgasm denial was a couple years ago when my wife caught the flu and pneumonia back to back. Since she was way too sick to fool around, I decided to try not cumming at all until we had sex again. It was 16 days. And it surprised me that when I finally did cum, it wasn’t that great. Huge amounts, nice feeling of pressure relief, but only so so sensations. I tried it again a couple times, this time when she was on her period, and even though it was only a week, I got a similar result, just not as pronounced. But if I ejaculate on a more regular basis, three or four times a week, orgasm is much better. It’s almost as if my body has a use it or lose it quality for sensitivity. Makes me wonder if other guys are like that. But that’s not exactly the kind of thing you can poll your golf buddies about. Thank you for the post.